hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

All sausages are not Richmonds, dd, sorry.

The bank doesn't have Santa-cam.

That late night you think you had, nope, I moved the clocks.

The head teacher at school doesn't have a spare bedroom at home for children who won't go to bed at home.

Oh my, aren't we all naughty? But it's whatever works eh?

Lmao at emergency bed time hour

Fromage my DH is also responsible for all of the lost and missing food, and lost and missing toys. He does a awful lot of eating and tidying while they are asleep. The fact he has a 30" waist and I do not has escaped them

Wow, clever ds! Now you have two rice cakes biscuits! Aren't you lucky!

He's only 8 months, but my mum and mil are already primed with the line about only Grandmother's being allowed the magic tokens that make supermarket rides work

recording the bedtime hour is The Most Convincing Argument Ever for getting that swanky tv box thingy :o

DS1 when I used to tell you that Minstrels and Rolos had nuts in them and you couldn't have nuts because you we're too little - guess what?

Also, when you were nearly two and we told you that those things in the stir fry were mushrooms and they were magic sweeties? Would have been enormously helpful if when you went to nursery the next day and were having a What We Had For Dinner chat, you hadn't told all the staff you'd had magic mushrooms for dinner. Thanks for that.

stealthpolarbear, yes, thats me too!

all I can say is that because it looks like a common occurance on some of these matters then they must be really true,

Your Dad didn't really take the last doughnut/cake/few biscuits into work to share with his friends because he is kind, I ate them last night while you were in bed

oh and DD, here isn't only one way to grow, but just as long as you believe it has to be in a 'dark room' then I'm not complaining.

Readers this was my response to DD when she wanted to start having the landing light on for no reason. I told her that the only eay to grow up was to be in a dark and quiet room whilst you slept.

Also I forgot we don't really have invisible elves living in our house watching you to report back to Santa.

DS and DD1 your dad hasn't really placed a hidden camera upstairs even though sometimes we would like to

Also I too have no idea what happens when I finish counting (I count down from 5), but as you know when I start I'm being serious so you do as your told it doesn't really matter. Yet.

Luckily I don't have to hide veg as my kids will eat it (although DS doesn't want to), DD1's favourite food is sprouts (wierd child)

That red tractor toy I swear blind never existed? It did. I stood on it and couldn't fix it so I had to bin it. I did try to replace it but was not up for paying £25 for the pleasure.

pagwatch, we too had a lot of 'chicken', 'tuna chicken', 'pork chicken' etc in our house. Thankfully DD now eats a good variety of foods that don't have to bare a relation to chicken.

Currently 22 weeks pregnant and taking notes for the future

Ds I don't have a shrinking cap like grandpa from cbeebies. I know what's going on in school because my friend works in the office.

Aww demented that's one of my favourite ones.

My dad drummed it into us so much that for years if anyone prodded my belly button I'd get shooting pains in my arse cheeks!

Balloon, so it does the opposite of Crawley's (Good Omens) CD player then?

If I unscrew your belly button, your legs won't really drop off.

No, of course I didn't put mushrooms in

The cat didn't eat the last doughnut.

Oh yes and when I tell you to put your finger/hand/toe in your mouth when you've hurt it a teeny bit and a cuddle/kiss hasn't stopped the crying it's not because it'll take the pain away it's because the crying/screaming noise is reduced/stops while you do it.

i dont even have kids and love this thread! mum used to mash cauliflower into mashed potato and put cabbage water in gravy to try and get some veg into us

CDs by Queen would actually work in the CD player in Daddy's car.

DD (4) - when you won't go to sleep at night and the 'fairies' ring Mummy's phone to speak to you, it's actually your dad speaking in a high pitched voice. something your 2 year old brother cottoned onto immediately with the response 'stop it daddy! Stop being silly!'

Those onion rings had squid in.

Those chicken nuggets had scampi in.

I didn't really phone Santa, but I wish I could!

Broccoli- trees
Cauliflower- white trees
Sprouts- baby cabbages

Wee willy winky isn't real, I just tell you that so you go to flipping sleep!

Dear DS, when I trim your nails I'm not going to cut your fingers off. I promise.

But the real reason we've stopped arguing about this is because I've started trimming your nails after you've gone to sleep. They don't magically get shorter in the morning.

It can't be that bad if you don't even wake up.

I've never lied about battery operated toys not working, not having the instructions for toys I don't like, claimed only daddy knows how to put the toy together, or hidden a wooden recorder, trumpet and drum sticks in a high cupboard