hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

Oh I LOVE the idea of David Beckham phoning to say what he's having for tea!

These are absolutely brilliant and makes me feel so much less of a horrid mother!

My personal favourites, have been:

The ice cream man loving nicknamed The Child Catcher. (DD was about 6 before she worked that one out).

The multitude of chocolate of all types that came through the house. Always told DD it was mint flavoured. DD didn't like mint, so saved me having to share.

And the green box that the council gave us especially to store all DD's models and pictures in from nursery and infant school.

When my sister and I were little and didn't want to put our jammies on (so running around starkers) my dad would go outside and chap the front door and my mum would shout "QUICK! IT'S THE BARE BUM POLICE!" My sister and I would then frantically get dressed and get to bed so we wouldn't be arrested

I distinctly remember telling my whole primary class about the bare bum police. Funnily enough, they all believed me

bloody autocorrect gond mad above... sorry!

When I say the park is closing, it isn't really. I just want to get you out of there without a tantrum. And she I say Spiderman always eats all of his dinner and that's shy he is so big and strong...erm.. actually thats probably true!

Chameleon what happens when you get to five????????

Remember when father Christmas phoned to check you were in bed that Christmas Eve? It was your Dad calling from work doing is best "hohoho" down the phone...
And DS, your favourite pasta sauce that only I can make with the secret ingredient? It's garlic.

Actually my credit card does work in all shops, despite telling you it doesn't.

The fromage frais "to cool you down" when you have a raging temperature actually has Calpol stirred into it, that you would otherwise refuse to take.

Father Christmas doesn't watch you all year round on the burglar alarm sensors.

The horrible soft play hasn't really closed down.

I do actually know where all the things you can't find are - the bin.

The ice cream van man plays the music to let everyone know he has run out of ice cream

Love this thread! Am taking notes!

Darling daughter, you know those green leaves you pick for me in the garden, yes that's right, the ones I then put into the blender with a few bits and bobs, uh huh, as I whizz it all together and you swear blind you won't eat the leaves from the garden? Yup, it's the exact same stuff that I dollop on your pasta a few moments later, you know, your favourite green pasta sauce? That's the stuff. Leaves.

Taking notes for the future.

My sister is still deeply confused by the concept of chicken being beef flavoured, pork flavoured etc. (she's 32). Bad parents

rhino that's pure genius!

Dd the rides outside shops were not left out for the man to come and fix them.

And the tooth fairy is not scared of 'Fluffy' your pillow pal doggy. Mummy forgot, twice

DD, you know that tooth you lost swimming this afternoon, the one that turned up in your swimming towel when we got home, guess what, it wasn't yours it was your brothers that fell out last week that mum planted in the towel to stop you getting sad about the tooth fairy not coming.

DS - those clever sweets you get every night...they're not really Bassetts Chewy Vitamins...

My two have both (at different times) decided to find out what I'd do when I got to five. They only did it once!

I'm marking this thread for future reference.

One my parents did with me years ago when watching too much TV. 'Horsey could you just go out of the room to fetch.... . ' Oh quick!Look Horsey, TV has burned out, you can;t watch anymore today. It won't work any more today. ' I was about 10 before I figured it out, doh!

haha, I never do the lost toy one.....or phone santa one....or count to three....or any of the others honest

And, I oh so definately didn't just tell my stupidly bouncy dd's that daddy couldn't have a birthday tomorrow if they stayed up....because without going to sleep it would still be today...oh no

Oh and I don't actually know how many sweets are left in the bag. Or how many mints I have. Or how much lemonade was in the bottle.

I also cannot see through the ceiling. I just know when you are on your iPod rather than studying.

We have an ice cream van that comes and plays his jingle outside our house every evening at 7.15pm from about March to Sept. DS, it's not really the Bed Inspectors checking to see if all the childre are in bed.

You know how that first year you were so excited to have been allowed to stay up until midnight to see the new year in?...... well you didn't I'm afraid as we'd actually brought all the clocks forward so it was more like 10.30/11pm on new years eve that you saw .

DD2 - That noise I make when I put my hand behind your curtains? I'm not shutting your window.

Of course I won't turn your light off when you are asleep, sweetheart.

My Ipad battery doesn't really keep going flat whenever you want to go on Minion Rush.

DD1 - I don't have access to some magic software that alerts me when you break a rule. I check your Facebook account.

I don't have software that tells me you are on Facebook when you should be doing homework. I just know.

This thread has to be a Discussion of the Day.

Quorn is not chicken. And summer magic ( old cheesy film) didn't fall off the sky planner!! I deleted it

Mine are all older now, but I remember....

Ds1- that "magic spray" your football coach sprays on you? It is water.

The "special" chicken just for you?
It was fish

The fact that you can't be a footballer unless you eat carrots and peas. That it was actually the law that they had to eat veg?
Yeah, that was a lie.

Dd. The story about the tooth fairy being so busy with the other children that she didnt have time to deliver your money until the next day?
I didn't have any change.

The day Toys R Us lost their keys and couldn't open the shop?
Not true.

The fruit that you refuse to eat?
It was just the same fruit in the crumble. It was not special sweetie crumble.

Drinking my wine would not have stopped you growing when you were 5.

Daddy's cold coffee is not coke.....

and Father Christmas doesn't really use the cameras on the motorway or in shops to check that you are behaving....

Cbeebies wasn't really broken for the whole of the Olympics.

And the bush in the garden isn't really made up of magic dust either.