hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

The naughty children's home for bad girls is really an sheltered housing complex!

We haven't run out of face paint, I have run out of patience.

The fairies didn't really take your dummy for the new baby's be ause you were so big. Oh no ...

Most of the foods I say is 'really spicy' and 'you really wouldnt like' are actually tasty treats I want to keep to devour for when you are in bed.

Magnum lollies are not 'yucky' or 'not as nice as your mini milks in the freezer', either

I stole that from a colleague by the way!

This is so funny!

I can't remember any of mine now but these have made me laugh so hard!

I do tell my teenage pupils (for a laugh) that the little wifi gizmo on the ceiling is a SantaCam - and very sweetly some of them even believe it for a few seconds!

When you tell a lie and I look into your eyes. I really can't see fibbers.
.... So when you screw your eyes up to avoid me seeing fibbers I have no idea that you are lying.....

I think all this wisdom should be saved - could we move this to Classics please?

DDs, you know how Santa calls you every Christmas Eve to get you to go to bed? Well, that's your Great-Uncle, who you've rarely met as he lives abroad. Grandma calls him and gives him a run-down on what you've been doing before he calls, that's how come he knows so much about you.

Dd, 'Auntie' Jo didn't really have the chicken pox, which sadly meant you couldn't come with me to visit. I just wanted to drink very hot coffee, smoke and swear like a sailor for a few hours.

Also you've actually already had chicken pox and probably wouldn't get it again anyway.

Dd you were right it wasn't actually your bed time mummy wound the clock forward an hour

You know when you get a brightly coloured and exciting looking birthday/christmas present that looks like it's going to be extremely messy to make (e.g. shaker maker clay dollies) and I quickly put them away for safety and to play with later ? Well, google "regifting".

I'm also a counter with no idea what to do if he called my bluff.

Those rides at the centre aren't always broke. I just refuse to pay £1 for a 1 minute ride of you going up and down.

The ice cream van doesn't play music to let you know he is going to go to the ice cream shop as he has run out.

I dont stay in waiting for you when you go to your dads. I tell you that so you don't go telling your dad everything.

SpongeBob doesn't go for naps. I just show you a blue screen on the box office channel

Just thought of another one. The Magic Sleep Spray for when you can't sleep? Lavender water.

Lucysmam - whatever I'd threatened at the time came true. IIRC I told DS that if he didn't put (and keep) his shoes on by the time I got to five, he would come on the school run (to take DD, he only starts in Sept) barefoot in his pushchair! Oh, the indignity of it! Can't remember DD's, she's 10, so it's a while ago.

Sadly, the runaway hamster had NOT just moved to the North Pole to work for Santa.

If you ever find out my MN nickname you will understand what happens, quietly, one-by-one, while you are in bed, to all those balloons you bring home from parties.

< chuckle >

dd1...Special Lucy wine isn't actually wine, and isn't just for Christmas either....it's just a 40p bottle of fizzy flavoured water from Asda (that'd be why it's not pink like mummy )

Love this thread. Dd five months is asleep in my arms whilst I'm chuckling away at these. :)

That robin in the garden isn't making notes on your behaviour to tell Father Christmas if you've been good enough for presents.
I know you don't like mayonaise, that's why you have Special Chip Sauce instead.
Twighlight, your bunny, didn't run off to the circus.
All those drawings of bunnies aren't 'around somewhere', they're being recycled probably into bogroll

Thanks for all of them, DM and DF. I have good notes for lying through my teeth being economical with the truth when DS grows up.

LadyM are you she of "woof to you, Lady" fame?

This has made me laugh so much...and made me feel so guilty!!

My darling daughters...
I know you worked out (decades ago) that the windscreen wipers weren't really working intermittently in time with you sucking your thumbs, but it is now waaaay past time to tell you that:

DD1: the reason your casseroles etc "just don't taste like Mums" is because you have hated onions since you were six .....so I liquidised them whenever a recipe used them .....and still do!
DD2: your hamster didn't really quietly fall asleep and not wake up, and daddy didn't really bury it before you came home because he could dig a much deeper hole than you & I. The cat had a whole other reason for not wanting its tea.

No my bedroom door is not broken and I don't need a screwdriver in my bedside table to fix it. I locked it after your early morning visits to our en suite and not the bathroom.

Christmas Coke is in fact available on all other days of the year.
It is not against the law for children to be vegetarian.

These are inspired

Ds, you're not really allergic to mummy's bubbly stuff, I just don't want you in my bath.

You don't really get to stay up really really late at weekends, I just give you your dinner and bath an hour earlier than usual.

Oh and the jolly green giant soup you love so much is actually pea soup, you know that vegetable you hate.