hey kids, let me tell you a little secret, love Mum...

dd the crust off the tiger bread isn't too tough for children's teeth....and doesn't contain any ground up tiger...

oh and you were right, it was a different goldfish not something in his food affecting his fin colour

DD1, the orange smarties don't really make little girls poorly, they are just mummies favourite.

Love this thread!

If I unscrew your belly button your bum won't really drop off.

All those times when I said 'it was special baby growing food' was just because I didn't want to share my treat, they wouldn't have made you grow a baby had you eaten them, esp given you are boys!

Mums have to have the first bite of any chocolate to check its not poisonous...

Mummy's don't always have to have the first sweet out the packet to make sure they are ok.

It is not only daddy's iPAD that will download Angry Birds and has a YouTube icon, and mummy's isn't really just a rubbish low-spec version

Lovely 11 year old DS - you know the other week when you begged me to make fajitas for dinner and I umm'd and ahh'd and eventually said OK but only if you agreed to do ALL the washing up?

We were having them anyway. Ha!

dd the corners of a toblerone aren't so sharp that tbey would cut a child's tender mouth

and the cameras on the traffic lights aren't tracking all your behaviour for santa

The swimming pool is actually open every day, rather than between 2 and 4 on Saturdays or between 4 and 6 on the occasional Friday.

Our TV isn't actually as temperamental as all that; it's just that I switch off any programmes I find overly annoying which is most of them

Well, I haven't yet had any DC yet, but.

Dear DM and DF,

I now realise that for all those years, DF wasn't going to his car to "listen to music and eat peppermints", like I believed until embarassingly late in life. He was smoking.

Now I realise that those sheep in trucks you pointed out when we were driving to the coast weren't going on holiday. The fact you pointed it out every time kind of disturbs me, but not as much as realising what was actually happening to them.

I didn't get a new grey hair every time I had to tell you off. Even you aren't that naughty.

(Worked until early teens when I confessed!)

DD1, that tshirt you bought from the naff shop in town? The one I hated?

Well, it didn't fall apart in the wash because it was so shoddily made...

95degree wash.

It's not one of those funny English-language-coincidences that 'lamb' (that you eat) and 'lambs' that run around happily in the field have the same spelling and pronunciation.

It's not the law to tell your mum everything, even secrets.

All that garlic? Yeah .... It's onion.

I can't hear you plotting from the other room, I just hear you go quiet.

The kitchen cleaner won't burn your skin off, but it does make the floor slippery,, which is why I don't want you to squirt it.

I would never send you to bed without having any dinner, no matter how much you bicker whilst I prepare it.

There really is no risk of being banned from computers until you're fifteen.

You know when I make you sit "facing the wall, saying and doing nothing for the rest of the day"? Ten minutes, max.

We don't have "bright evenings and dark evenings", sometimes I just need a night to myself and for you two to go to bed at eight.

I never fell off the back of a chair when I was little. Ditto getting run over because of being silly near roads, being bitten by strange dogs, or falling out of windows. I never went to hospital at all, not even once.

When I was your age, I ate a good deal more crap and much fewer vegetables. I HATED mushrooms and wouldn't have even considered a pork chop. I was a shit, and was frequently rude to my mother. I was too fat and I hated pe. I got quite a lot of pocket money and mostly got what I asked for.

Sometimes I hold my phone to my face to make you drop the subject of pudding.

All I have is 'MummyVision' doesn't really exist - You are just very noisy and we have a lot of reflective surfaces in our house.

Also, Aldi doesn't really have a 'Naughty Alarm' - I think they just use that to open extra tills.

You are 8 & 10 now. I am no longer on the preschool committee. Those 'meetings' I have to go to?

It's the pub with my friends.

Roaring at queen hahaha.

And when I let you watch tv in bed on a Sunday morning its not for a special treat- its because I'm shagging your dad!

Oh and DS2, those fruit string things you love so much? That there is only one left in the box so you will need to run down to Aldi tomorrow to get some more? Loads of places sell them. I just want you to pick me up some sub rolls and mustard while you are there and I don't want to walk there myself.

Chicken pox is not really called that because you will grow feathers out of any spots that you scratch. I just didnt want you to have a giant scar in the middle of your forehead like your brother.

Amazingly, your dog didnt go to live on a farm either. DSs are now in their early teens and still occasionally mention their dog who lives on a farm chasing rabbits all day. The one who went to the farm 10 years ago. When it was 12. G&T at school, utterly bloody clueless at home.

Dd, you are not really a brilliant helper. Nor are you the best tap cleaner in the world. Truth be told, my heart sinks a little when I'm peacefully (and efficiently) cleaning the bathroom and you skip in asking to help.

I am hoping that all this cleaning aged 4 will mean you are doing it all yourself when you are 14, but sadly fear your love of cleaning will have evaporated by the time you are old enough to be any good at it.

Oh, and your potato peeling is rubbish too.

My dog became a police dog. I only realised the truth a few year ago

the TV doesn't really need re-charging after one episode of Thomas

there probably isn't really a policeman walking towards my car who will take it away if you don't get in the car seat right now

Its not really the baby in my tummy that needs a gigantic great big bowl of ice cream

Yes, DS, it is rather strange how the sun shines so brightly at 8 o'clock at night. But it must be 8 o'clock because that's what the clock says. Aren't I kind to let you stay up a whole hour later than your usual bedtime of 7 o'clock?

Note to self: remember to change the clock back to the correct time when he's gone to bed

SP, I remember the horror on a previous similar thread when a couple of posters realised that they childhood dogs had not gone to live on a farm after all.

oh didnt see this how many of our dogs had gone to the farm

oh queensbay that happened to me i found out in my 30s my dog hadn't gone to a farm at all but gone to the vet i was devastated