Almighty gaffes you have made

I'm currently working as a domiciliary carer. I was assisting one elderly lady to her automatic recliner when I asked 'so, I'm taking you to the electric chair am I?'

Looks of horror all round.

I got on the tube with my then boyfriend (now DH) and we were lucky enough to find a seat. I was chatting away to him while looking out the window (an overland bit) and rubbing my hand up and down his thigh ... when I looked up and saw said boyfriend glaring at me from down the carriage. I was sat next to a complete stranger!!!! I couldn't apologise enough but he got off very quickly at next stop.

DH still brings it up and it was 20 yrs ago!

I have done loads, which I banish from my memory but are unfortunately recalled in great detail by dh.

However, my most embarrassing was on our wedding day. Was standing in front of minister repeating our vows, feeling all bubbly and glowing but really nervous. When he'd finished the vows he turned to the congregation and announced really jovially 'I say...' But before he could finish his sentence I also repeated 'I say...' In the same jovial ott way. He merely looked at me then carried on with his sentence (think it was I say, what an honour to be marrying this couple or something similar). I could feel my mums eyes boring into my back for the rest of the ceremony and dh still finds it hilarious.

Similar to one earlier in the thread. . .

At a work meal we were discussing unfortunate surnames, I said that I thought the worst surname was hoare, I actually didn't just say it, I went on and on about how embarrassing it must be to be called mrs hoare.

The conversation moves in to maiden names and one of my colleagues says she doesn't want to say, why I asked, we won't laugh. You will she said - it was horwood!

And my worst one ever, told my colleagues that an ex colleague had died - I had been told by a reliable source. Management sent a condolence card, turns out my reliable source wasn't that reliable, and she wasn't dead at all.

ErrorError

My auntie's friend did a corker. She was asked to post a sympathy card to a colleague whose husband had just died. She chose a beautiful card with a horse on it. He'd died in a riding accident!

I ran over a parent when I was on teaching practice,

I've just sent a work email to someone and got an automatic reply. He clearly intended to say he was on annual leave, but left out an important "u"...

I used to work on a supermarket checkout as a teenager. It was early in the morning and I was hungover, and was just scanning stuff through without really looking at the customer (what a charmer eh!). Customer was a very tall, long haired quite chunky person and they handed me their credit card. I looked at it and said "this isn't yours". Customer said "what do you mean, of course it is". I said "This is a man's credit card". Stony silence. He said "I am a man". When I looked at him directly he clearly was, complete with man boobs which is all my hungover brain had registered

this thread has really made me
last night, I randomly started laughing, DH asked why and all I could say was "wanking jacket" - he didn't quite get it :)

HAHA! these are great. love the right dirty wink to elderly couple!

Working as a TA and dealing with a bunch of year 6 children misbehaving and taking the piss, I said them.

'Right you're being silly now, need to calm down, you're acting like children.'

Kid responds, 'we are children, miss.'

Well that explains it.

Waiting in Dr's waiting room when receptionist called my name and told me to go to room 1. I have health anxiety and a good relationship with my Dr so I walked in and said 'me again, but I am not dying today' turns out I was in room 2 and that Dr was with a patient and neither were happy.

Having a smear test and nurse has to leave the room to get something. Her stupid door locks from the inside and she didn't have the key. She knocked and asked me to let her in so I got up just wearing a t-shirt with no knickers and let her in, I opened the door too wide and a few people were outside to see me in my naked glory. The nurse was more mortified than me. I was just glad it wasn't some kid in there when she locked herself out.

cumfy, so what IS the real name of 'those fuckers'? Or can you still not remember?

'a right dirty wink' made me have to feign a coughing fit (I'm at work).

at 'bones and penises'

Sweet old chap covered in medals going round pub with collection tin for veterans charity.
Me (delving in purse): 'sorry I've only got a bit of shrapnel'
Him: 'don't talk to me about shrapnel love, I've still got some in me leg!'

I did the do you want a hand? one to a person with only one hand. It was in A&E and the man was struggling with the parking ticket machine, his remaining hand was badly deformed. It was made worse by the fact the that when I saw nobody helping him I strode across the floor glaring at everyone and loudly asking him if he wanted a hand.

After a gynae appointment at the hospital I forgot to put my knickers back on . I had to knock the door and ask could I get them. Obviously they had fallen down the side of the couch and I had to climb on it to reach them.

My mum was leading a conference once for about 300 people.
In her opening statement she starting by talking about appeals and bonuses, but actually said "bones and penises".....

"Hazelbrowneyes Thu 25-Jul-13 09:29:38

I?ve remembered another.

I?d been getting recurring UTIs so I was referred to a consultant. He said he wanted to examine me and asked me to get on the couch, so I bravely smiled at DH who was there with me, went behind the curtain, took off my knickers, hitched up my skirt and laid on the bed. "

I'd have thought exactly the same! I think he should have been clearer

A great one from my son last week - he's the kind of person that speaks, then thinks. So he was sat in hairdressers and this lovely but extremely camp young man was going through hairstyles with him. Ds suddenly claims "umm not that one, it looks a bit gay". Oh Christ ds.
The young man smiles and says "and?"
Ds immediately realises what he said, goes bright red and adds "not that there is anything wrong with that!! It's quite nice actually! I like it!"

Oh how we laughed. Good job the lad had a sense of humour.

Italics fail!

I was talking about corsets to a colleague, who happens to be a little large and of an alternative persuasion when it comes to fashion.

She said she'd quite like one, my reply;
Oh yes, have a look online, there's loads of good ideas. The only thing is, the type of people that seem to make them are all fat goths.

Not just foot in mouth, but downright rude. My brain just hasn't connected with my mouth at all. I still cringe thinking about it, thankfully she laughed it off.

^In a very naice patisserie...

The name of the pastry is right near the tip of my tongue, but won't quite reveal itself to my brain, so I politely ask:

Oooh, could I have one of those fuckers, please ?^

I could not get my breath for laughing at this and thought I may literally die laughing

I also went to my first cremation when i was in my early twentys, and when the little curtain shut round the coffin, for some reason i went into total hysterics, thinking sooty and sweep were going to pop out the curtain and say hello, i had to muffle my laughs into a hanky and someone behind put a hand on my shoulder, i think they thought i was overcome with grief, it was so mortifying :(

years ago i went with a friend and her boyfriend to his parents flat, it was in a big block, and lots of windows, and there was one flat with bright yellow nylon net curtains and yes, me big mouth said ewwww look at the state of them yellow nets, how tacky, and yes, once we came out the lift the yellow nets greeted us, i was only about 16 and should have said nothing instead i went on, oh dont them nets look lovely close up, they didnt down stairs etc he just looked at me :(

me and my friend still laugh about it now, and no he isnt her boyfriend anymore :)

I?ve remembered another.

I?d been getting recurring UTIs so I was referred to a consultant. He said he wanted to examine me and asked me to get on the couch, so I bravely smiled at DH who was there with me, went behind the curtain, took off my knickers, hitched up my skirt and laid on the bed.

I then discovered the poor consultant only wanted to feel my stomach.

I have no idea how he managed to keep a straight face, nor why I thought he?d want to examine anything that involved me taking my clothes off.

I cringed my way through the rest of the consultation, got outside, furiously whispered to DH what I?d done and that I needed to just get out of the hospital as I was so embarrassed and strode off down the corridor. Realised a few minutes later I was talking to myself, turned around to see DH slid down the wall crying with laughter. He then drove straight to my mums to tell her. She now tells this story every time she sees a doctor.