Almighty gaffes you have made

I was at a big family meal and we were discussing people being slightly inappropriate at work.
Instead of saying that the man had winked at me, I conjugated the past tense of wink and announced to everyone (including my very straight-laced mother) that a man had wanked at me!
My mum's face has never been so straight while my dad was huddled in a corner crying with laughter.

Pawprint

Oh god so many for me.

Watching a documentary on chimps in the wild, my brothers and dad walk in and ask what's wrong with the little chimp on the tv, what I said in my head was "it's got mange" what came out my mouth was " its got minge". Cue lots of Micky taking for what seemed like forever. [embarrassed]

Two kids at the youth centre where I work, were messing about and swinging their coats about, I said "be careful, you'll have someone's eye out". One of them looks and the other laughs and pops out his glass eye. I was very [embarrassed].

Kid comes over to talk to me in a crowded supermarket, he's chatting away and I don't really know who he is and then the penny drops and I say "oh I didn't recognise you out of bed". He'd been on the hospital ward where I worked and he'd been on traction for weeks. Oh the shame as everyone turned to stare at me. [embarrassed] [embarrassed]

My mum asking for popcorn chicken (that KFC sell) in McDonald's!!

pawprint

I've just been told this story today:
4-year-old girl, beautifully dressed at a wedding.
XYZ: "oh Lucy, you look so beautiful! you look like a Princess!"
Lucy: "I'm not wearing any knickers"

I once met a minor member of the royal family and he asked me (in a royal talking to a pleb smalltalk way) about a trek I'd been on I'm the highlands of Scotland. I meant to tell him that all my clothes had got dirty and stained but it came out as "well, my underwear was absolutely minging".

Bang goes my OBE.

My friend was at the dentist when she was a teenager and after her check up and clean they got to the swirl and spit bit. Except my friend hadn't had a sip of the pink cup. So when the dentist said "....and spit." She literally just spat in the wee sink beside the chair. Oh how I roared when she told us up

At the gym. Doing leg stretches in the stairwell. Cue lovely young man walking past me up the stairs. He says "good place to do some stretching". I mean to say "yes, it's nice and quiet".

I ACTUALLY say "I'm so lonely".

Wtf?? He hurries off and I cancel my membership immediately.

A letter once went out at school reminding children to bring their willies on the school trip. Damn auto correct!

"Jar of Fuck Dat"

when referring to some kid related stuff I told the wife of my son's teacher that "as you are roughly the same generation as my MIL blah blah blah"

she was

she is 20 years younger then my MIL (they know each other well).....

so trying to explain what I meant I said "well, I know you are younger, but you know it's having kids and then grandkids blah blah blah"
she has no kids..

A couple of years ago I asked the very pregnant looking lady in the petrol station when she was due. Her reply? I'm not pregnant.
Please ground, open up and swallow me NOW.

Ha ha yes it was kind retards

That rings a bell Fairy. Was it 'kind retards' instead of 'kind regards'?

Can anyone remember the MN I think she was a teacher and sent out a letter and it auto corrected to something.

Ash can't remember the details but it definetly involved a letter and ? Disabled/deaf children. I cried at that one

So did i chip monkey!

I have just made A Gaffe!

I breezed into the room where ds1 aged 17 was on his laptop. I said "Hi Sugarybum!" which has been a joke name I have used for him for years but only in the house, not in his friends' hearing.

But he was on Mumble. With friends. Playing a game.

They heard. They laughed.

A couple (not mine) from my Post Office days.

An older prudish colleague trying to work out what price tax disc to issue for a lovely chap, asking him various questions about what motorbike he had. Getting nowhere fast, she exasperatedly said 'come on now, tell me how big's your engine?' He arched his brow and said something like 'a bit personal don't you think?!' We howled while her cheeks glowed.

Another colleague, being asked for a stamp by a gentleman whose first language wasn't English. She couldn't understand where he wanted the letter sent and he hadn't written the address out yet so he couldn't show her. He kept repeating what sounded to her like Devalah, so not wishing to show ignorance, she took a guess that it was somewhere in the Middle East and issued a Zone 1 stamp and an airmail sticker.

A short time later, he handed me his letter to post. To DVLA SWANSEA.

Oh yes Luis I will take wine.

These are hilarious .

A woman I used to work with was married to a minister.
He was called out one Christmas night to go and sit with the family of one of his parishioners in a hospice.

It was totally silence in the room which was full of family as the man was about to pass away. Friends DH crossed his legs and a tinny version of We Wish You A Merry Christmas started playing from his new Christmas socks.

I was about 12 and had gone with my mum to see my grandad in hospital where he was recovering after having his leg amputated. Someone from the hospital radio was going round the ward asking if patients wanted a song playing for them. My grandad told the radio person to ask me as I knew about current good songs. I felt very important to be asked, thought hard and came up with "suicide is painless", the theme from MASH. I thought I was very cool to suggest this until everyone looked a bit shocked at my suggestion and my mum pointed out it might not be very appropriate for hospital radio. I was mortified until my grandad then asked for "stand by your man" and my mum pointed out that was an odd choice for a recent amputee!

.

'Mind the fag!'

This morning I walked past a parked car ,outside a small shop, with a baby (6-9 months ish) crying in the back - the window was down an inch or two. I thought I'd chat to the baby to try and cheer her up until someone came back. I'd bent down and was cooing away when I realised a lady in a full black burqa was sitting in the back next to the baby The baby did stop crying!

I have tears streaming down my face at "are you Ally Gator"

Just remembered one of mine. I was trying to be polite at my boyfriends ( now DH) family party. It was christmas and had been snowing.

I asked his granny,' did you get much over christmas?' Meaning snow, much to my now brother n laws amusement, to which his granny replied straight faced ' no, not much, just a couple of inches'

Guffaw!