Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mumsnet classics

Relive the funniest, most unforgettable threads. For a daily dose of Mumsnet’s best bits, sign up for Mumsnet's daily newsletter.

Original poster

Gaahhh, can you sew up a belly button?

132 replies

TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 22:15

Or maybe stuff a cork in it or something?

I shifted some garden waste earlier and I was annoyed but not worried by a very itchy waistband.
I had tree bits everywhere but we were burning it all & would only get more scratchy bits on me so I left it. This was my first mistake.

I got in the bath and my belly button was still stabby and itchy, so I armed my self with tweezers to try and get a splinter out.

It was not a splinter.
It was a fecking huge bug of unknown species, at least dog sized, probably carnivorous. I would be prepared to swear I saw fangs.

It obviously saw my weaponry and made a dash for it...down my leg
It's gone now but I don't know where...I can feel it watching me. It could swim, nowhere is safe.

What if waits unti I'm asleep and tries to eat my face? What if it liked my belly button and decides to get back in ?

OP posts:
cocolepew · 15/06/2013 23:52

And when his dog bothering neighbour got married he used to get his SIL to dress up as a school girl and take photos. He used to show them to people as if he was a serious photographer Hmm

Original poster
TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 23:46

Waffly! For the love of fuck nooo!

It's nothing. It's just...moles or bats or something.
Hopefully just robbers.

I will not open the curtains. I. Will. Not.

OP posts:
Original poster
TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 23:43

Coco - how do you explain that? And forever being 'on yeah, don't invite Dave the dog fucker' or 'Larry the Labrador lover'.

Your DH is v interesting - I know about his b.button and pup plunging neighbour and he sounds fascinating. Your DH, not Larry.

OP posts:
WafflyVersatile · 15/06/2013 23:42

Can you see their little orange eyes gleaming at the window yet?

Can you hear them chomping through the walls?

olidusUrsus · 15/06/2013 23:42

I haven't clicked any of the thinks in this thread, despite the temptation. I think I made a wise decision. I'm proud of my own wise-icity.

Not entering the dog conversation. Ew

Kneedeepindaisies · 15/06/2013 23:40

Blimey! This thread's moved on from. gross to just plain weird.

cocolepew · 15/06/2013 23:38

DHs next door neighbour was caught trying to shag the family dog when he was a teenager

It was a Golden Labrador in case you were wondering.

Original poster
TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 23:37

What?!

Murder by dog semen? That would take some planning? Although I really don't want to think about all the possibilities.
My horizons have been doubly broadened tonight.

Ew. I am feeling better about my predicament now though. Yeesh.

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 15/06/2013 23:33

The dog involved was a German Shepherd.And he was kept in quarantine for at least 6 months after,because the guy who brought the dog to her was charged with murder and he was fighting the case (but wanted his dog back afterwards).It was one of the weirdest cases ever,one of those that makes you think 'you never know what goes on behind closed doors'.

She was a member of the Neighour Watch Committee too,if I remember right.Which made it seem even more surreal to me.

Original poster
TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 23:30

The Queen.

My brain just did a big fat fucking nope to that.

OP posts:
HildaOgden · 15/06/2013 23:29

Oh God,I hadn't thought of that....what if you have the Queen?That will seriously piss the worker creatures off....I wouldn't sleep easy at all tonight if I were you.

Still,not to worry....I'm sure you will be fine.Probably.

Original poster
TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 23:27

My dog is a girl.
At least that's one slur Hilda won't be able to accuse me of.

I never thought people into bestiality might need to do a patch test.

I also really hope I don't know anyone that would benefit from this info Shock

OP posts:
SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 15/06/2013 23:24

Was this your garden you were in?
There's more than one you know.
They'll be outside waiting for you to leave the house. You'll have taken away the queen or something.

Don't go out again.

Original poster
TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 23:23

Vaseline! HAH!

CSI for a reason evidently. However, if it fails & you are called here. Please inform the press I had all my clothes on, and there was absolutely no sign of trying to do a diy job of plugging my holes with the wax from several babybels.
Thanks.

OP posts:
crazydrunkevilhamster · 15/06/2013 23:21

Dp regrets asking why I were laughing like a hyena & is currently Hmm Confused

TrinityRhino · 15/06/2013 23:21

'allergic to dog semen' bloody hell, thats crazy Grin

not as crazy as having sex with a dog...

Original poster
TotallyBursar · 15/06/2013 23:20

Noooooo

I am not manky. No one said Ripley was manky (well she was a bit when the alien sex happened) but noooo.

Trinity - autoerotic asphyxiation, it has caused more than one newsworthy accident. I always thought they could have just lied a bit.

OP posts:
LemonMousse · 15/06/2013 23:20

I think the 'dangerous wank' needs further explanation - come on OP it will take your mind off your larvae infested belly button things.

HildaOgden · 15/06/2013 23:20

Trinity,I'd say she means auto-asphixia.....although there was a woman in Ireland who died from having sex with a dog,turns out she was allergic to dog semen.I kid you not.What a way to find out Shock

CSIJanner · 15/06/2013 23:19

Smoother your belly button with Vaseline. If its still hiding in there, it will suffocate. If it tries to get back in, it's feet will slip like Daffy Duck on ice and it won't be able to grip on.

Just don't stand close to an open fire should you choose to smoother your entire self to stop the bug from hell heading back to body snatch. Use the force Bursar-one.

wonderstuff · 15/06/2013 23:18

Until 5 mins ago I was quite sad that my belly button had been all stretched out to the point of no return when I was pg. now I'm quite glad. Thanks

HildaOgden · 15/06/2013 23:17

The newspaper will also say you were infested with creature larvae,and we'll all think you were manky hoists judgy pants up(keeping belly button safe)

TrinityRhino · 15/06/2013 23:15

who the fuck died of a dangerous wank?

wtf IS a dangerous wank?

nohalfmeasures · 15/06/2013 23:14

Ooh, we could write a horror movie between us without any problem!

Swipe left for the next trending thread