To be miffed at "Gift list for mother of the baby" enclosed in *Baby naming ceremony* invitation?

just . The behaviour of the sister and party planner is appalling. Glad the day is replanned. It sounds lovely

Double, you have done the best you could for your friend given the circumstances - as MumnGran says, if she was putting on a good face, how were you supposed to know that she was under such stress?
As it turns out, it's almost a good thing that this has gone the way it has or you might not have realised for much longer how vulnerable your friend is, and she could have made herself quite ill. Now though, you and her DH are on top of it and can keep an eye on her. :)

Her sister, OTOH....

Glad to hear from you double ...and good to know the conversation has been had with the less than D' sis, although the attitude beggars belief! Her position is now very clear, and in my humble opinion: hang her high. Although sounds as if she may be in for a rough ride with the rest of the family, anyway!
Even more sorry for your friend now, though, as am sure the last thing she needs at the moment is a major falling out with a sibling.

I don't think you can blame yourself for not spotting problems ...we all put on a good face to the world and it is not your fault for not picking up that all was not well behind the facade, particularly given strains in your own life. The only thing that really matters is that the minute you found out, you were there for her every step of the way!!

The sister may have gone into a strop because the friend ditched the planner, but she might revise her opinion on knowing exactly what the planner was trying to commit the friend to.

This is why I think a talk is in order first to establish the sister's understanding of the situation. If it turns out that she was aware of the excessive arrangements and did nothing about it then give her the bollocking she'd deserve.

If there's a chance that there are a load of misunderstandings clouding the issue, it's worth taking time to sort them out.

But te op said the iter has gone into a strop as the op friend has ditched the planner, and started to take control of the situation

I can see what MumnGran is saying here. A lot of the things going on have been down to the planner, so whatever he is saying might not actually be what the sister actually said to him.

It is worth giving the sister the courtesy of allowing her to explain and apologise before giving her both barrels, if required. Would be better for future family relationships, especially if it turns out she had no idea of the extent to which the planner went.

You sound a really fantastic friend OP. i think your friend might need quite a lot of support over the next few months to prevent something else bonkers happening. Baby brain is one thing but letting herself get quite so swept up in this ridiculous charade is pretty scary.

I know you said the party planner had arranged things without consent but he must have had some indication on budget. I wouldnt have thought planners just book things if they think they won't get paid for them.

£1,800 on flowers FFS! Unless they are loaded, she could have financially crippled them if you hadn't stepped in.

I've lived in UK all my life and never heard bare stress

Imagine for one horrible moment what the day would have been like if you'd said nothing. The horrors. £20.00 to decorate a flipping cup cake? What are they decorating them with? Gold and the magic dust from a unicorn's hoof? Who did the planner think this was for - Jordan?

Your friend had a lucky escape. Hope her sister turns out to have had been woefully misguided / hoodwinked rather than opportunist. Maybe she thought it would be win win situation come back ASAP and tell more

God, "bare stress". That takes me back. I haven't heard that expression since I left the UK:o

piglet have been watching thread since the beginning, and have been 100% supportive of OP and her friend. It was me who suggested that she talk to her friend in the first place, rather than assuming the worst!
I may have missed a post where the sisters admission of complicity in things like commission, and off the wall wishing wells, was outlined ...in which case I of course apologise for posting "lets hear her".

I was at pains to say I was not defending the sister. Merely following the same tack I took originally, in saying that it pays to actually have a full conversation to discover exactly what the other persons stance is, before condemning outright.
I assume that more will come out after friends DH talks to the sister at length today.

Mum op has described in detail the friends sister behaviour, and how te sister recommended the planner to her so that planner could get commission, nottat he was good and would organise a lovely event within the budget. The op was concerned as she knows her friend, and this gift list was out of character. Because op friend and op are taking matters into their own hands and ditched the planner, she has thrown a strop and made it all about her. Add to,that this has upset their parents. Just because they are sisters does not mean they have similar personalities, my miu. And her sister are like chalk ad cheese. The friends sister sounds like a bit of a diva, I'm inclined to believe op

Wow. Just read the updates. So pleased it was an event planner and not your friend. I hope all the invitees continue to be kind and understanding over this and that your friend works it out with her sister. I just want to say that you sound like you have been an amazing friend.

I am so desperately curious about the event planner

Hope the naming ceremony goes well.

wow! I'm dying to know what DDP's reaction was - did he agree to return the money or was he still spluttering with indignant rage? When you said he went ahead with stuff knowing it would be vetoed - he really planned stuff that he knew wasn't wanted?!

Just sticking in a word of caution here ......before the sister is permanently hung out to dry.
At the start of this thread, double's friend was lambasted from here to eternity until the real story was uncovered. Perhaps we should give the sister the benefit of the doubt, until she has spoken with people. They are close enough as a family that she has been chosen as a godparent. We know OP's friend is a lovely person, ergo ....the sister may not be quite the bitch that the surface facts present.

We know that the sister recommended the party planner ....but (I think) that is all we do know. Not sure of the content of the short phone call (?) or of her reaction beyond initial shock and (presumably) defensiveness because she did recommend.
She could be totally stunned by his excesses. She may have declined any commission for the recommendation, or be unaware that any would be paid. She has used him before for corporate work, knows he just gets on and does the job, and possibly thought that what her sister needed was someone to take the strain of organisation totally from her shoulders.
She may be horrified by the state her sister is in, stunned by the planners flights of fancy in a non-corporate setting - and suffering horrendous guilt that she played any part in the mess. Until they sit and down and talk openly, we can only surmise.

I am NOT defending her. Have been as horrified as everyone else by the insanity of these plans. Just saying - as I did with original input over the gift list - that it doesn't pay to judge until all the evidence has been heard.

Still rocking, double!

SBA - do read the thread. Things have moved on MASSIVELY. If you haven't already got the OP's posts highlighted, you can do that in Customise at the top of the page; it will speed up the story. :)

I would take a gift for the baby & leave it at that. Requesting gifts is tacky! I had a shower & people rang my Mum asking if we needed anything so she suggested wipes or cream or baby wash, etc, but requesting gifts, especially for the mother, is rude!

The hotel must be pleased not to have to hand over 10% of all money spent ( final bill) to the planner as well, as that is sometimes usually how planners work as well. ( as they have influence over the choice of venue and bringing future business)

So yes, there is a big chance not only was your friend being billed by the planner, but the planner could have been getting a commission from the hotel.

The sister sounds well, not very sisterly. Glad to hear she is staying in a hotel as well. You rock, OP! :)

Oh and OP, better prepare your friend for the fact that the sister will say that she was planning on giving the commission to the child as a gift......

Well from a purely personal pov, as a godparent is supposed to look after the spititual welfare of the child, I wouldnt want someone in that job if their main focus was the bottom line.

Can't believe the sister was on commission and planning to take it! No wonder she wanted the bill to be huge and was probably pushing ddp to go as big and ott as possible, sounds like she was in it much more for the money and the hope of nicking looking after all those nice expensive tasteful presents that the baby might damage and accidentally taking them back to Australia with her than seeing that her sis got a nice reasonably priced happy friendly naming ceremony.