House rules I forgot to make.

Don't lick the pavement.

also, listen to this. It's BRILLIANT

Love this

Do not ride the dog
Do not give the your dinner because she is hungry she will get fed
Do not wee in the dogs water and then try and force her to drink it

Poo goes in the toilet/potty not on your bedroom floor walls bed nor is it for your cars to be driven in

Do not put your toys in the air vent or in the washing machine or dvd/vhs you will break it and won't be able to watch thomas

Oh and do not sit on kitchen side eating sugar even though its delicious.

Yay, classics

Oh cjbk1 I've spluttered tea at the inappropriate hilarity of your comment.

you are not Bobby Sands

Don't attempt to give yourself a hair cut.
Mum doesn't need to wipe your bum anymore, you're 5. And don't ever ask mummy to do this for you in front of our visitors!

The words that mummy and daddy sometimes use to describe other drivers are not to be repeated outside the car (this from DP).

Oh, and I forgot this one.

Don't use a marker pen to decorate the bathroom an hour before potential buyers come to view. (I did manage to clean it, only just in time.)

No playing with power tools in bed

Don't decide to decorate your bedroom by spreading Vaseline everywhere, carpet, walls, yourself, etc, when mummy is out and daddy is expecting a quiet night in. (Came in to DP going quietly bonkers, trying to clean it up. We ended up having to repaint the bedroom, and iron the stuff out the carpet by using newspaper. Thanks, DS.)

Do not immac the cat

We don't lick dog's bum holes

Sticking your nose in between your sisters bum cheeks is not acceptable. Asking her to fart whilst you do so is just downright weird!

Drawing on the wall will not prevent a fire.
Do not throw mummy's glasses at her at 6 a.m. She knows where they are.
Antique dressers are not a suitable surface on which to practice writing.
I do not need a label with my name on stuck to me at all times.
For immediate attention before an epsiode of vomitting, "I am going to be sick" tends to work better than "I am going to feel sick".

The floorboards are not a post box.
The floorboards are not DVD players either.
The floorboards are not a cash machine either. Alas, no money will come out if you put Mummy's credit card between them.
Do not repeat any of the words Mummy uses when she finds out you've been using the floorboards as a cash machine.
Do not repeat any of the words Daddy uses when he takes up the floorboards.
Do not choose this point to suggest 'Do you think there's a really big mouse down there?'

Don't confuse expensive face cream with finger paints.

Brilliant thread!

Don't ask visitors if they want to see your poo, even if it is a funny shape, and when you've done said poo in a potty don't accompany your offer of a poo viewing by waving the potty under their nose...

Don't get your willy out in the middle of a crowded cafe

Don't use a breastfeed as an opportunity to stick your finger up my nose or in my belly button

Don't ask your mother whether she's going for a poo and whether you can look at it after, again when there are visitors in the house.

The bathroom ceiling doesn't need decorating with used toilet paper

You need to move your skirt out the way before going to the toilet

Hiding all your rubbish under the bed doesn't count as tidying your room

Don't lick your plate and put it back in the cupboard

Don't eat over the computer, mummy isn't impressed when she cleans the crumbs out

Don't leave stray sandwiches behind the radiator.

I love this thread

I had to stop reading as I'm in the library and silent-laughter-making-the-table-shake is not much better than loud laughter!

But to add:
Please do not wake Daddy after a late shift by announcing very loudly "my poo is shaped like a dinosaur".

If you want to be Spider-Man that's fine, but I do not want to be Mary-Jane whilst you swing up-side-down and try to snog me at the park (3yo daughter, not daddy).

If you want to paint your face like Spider-Man that's also fine, but DEFINITELY DO NOT try to snog me. I don't like the taste of face-paint.

Please stop telling people that "Daddy steals Mummy's money" - it was two pounds. One time. For the bus.

Mummy's bra is not ear muffs
Willies are not air guitars and should not be pulled out and strummed (especially in front of visitors)
Do not have a competition to see who can stand the furthest away from the toilet when having a wee.
Do not ask in a loud voice why that man has a baby in his tummy
Please do not take photos of your willy on Dad's ipad as they are automaticaly uploaded and may appear as a screensaver on the TV
Please do not run into a room, pull your pants down, fart and shout "in your face" - I do not find it funny!
Just because we talked about how babies are made in the biological sense, you do not need to ask Grandma how it felt when Grandpa's willy was inside her

No DS your toys dont want to swim in your wee.
Mummy doesn't want to poo so you can look at it.
No I don't want to eat your bogeys and no they don't taste nice.
No I don't want to watch your willy dance
Please don't tell strangers mummy's willy fell off
(He's just been potty trained so obsessed with anything to do with willys and poo)
Don't flick daddy's willy in the shower he doesn't want to share his shower with you as it is

You must to remember to wipe your bottom every time you use the toilet. When the adults say to you, "Hurry up," it does not mean, "Hurry up and definitely don't bother wiping your bottom."

Yes, this rule still applies, even if your cousin is over playing and you'd rather be outside.

No dancing with M&Ms in your mouth.

Don't put your feet on the computer.

Don't taste the 'chocolate ' looking stuff on ye trampoline - it s birdpoo
Don't lick sinks