House rules I forgot to make.

oh and Wee duels are not fun! Why they both decide they need to wee at the same time, with DD sitting down and DS standing up, screaming at each other that " MY WEE DEFEATED YOUR WEE"

Do not stick your sisters wand up the end of your penis then stand there swinging it back and forth like some sort of bad taste pendulum.

He is 5 and the penis obsession shows no signs if ending!

For my dog

If I choke on a hob nob, do not rush over to me like a bat out of hell and bark hysterically in my face.This is not a recognised first aid procedure.
Learn the Heimlich manoeuvre or leave me alone.

Do not flash at the police!

Oh dear, oh dear, I am laughing so much it hurts and both cats have left the house in terror at snorts, honks and squawks.

We had sanitary pads with wings used to "decorate" windows, which was retrievable, but I hadn't noticed the one on the tv screen until too late as I showed visitor into living room.

Classic please!

Do not fire BB guns at screens; that means not at the TV, nor mum's laptop.

Standing up poo! Bending over sister too! Poor girl. Utterly brilliant!

If you are a girl, you do not wee like a boy does, standing over the toilet.

Don't put the smallest piece of Lego you can find up your nose and necessitate a trip to A&E
Don't ask me to smell your poo's everytime you do one to see if it's stinkier than the last.
Even if DD is potty training I do not need photos of poos in her potty sent to me when I am out and about (looking at you Mother!)
Don't keep putting your hand down my cleavage!

Do not lower the toilet seat when Daddy is mid-wee.

It is mummy who likes to do pelvic floor exercises.

Loo roll is only to be usedfor toilet situations. Nothing else

Don't break dads decanter with the whiskey still in and glasses, then blame it on the dog. Saying that he had seen a rabbit, gone berserk and ran into the table as he was so excited

Never say in earshot of your DCs "this room is not big enough to swing a cat in"

I was only 3 at the time, poor kitten

Do not walk around watching Hanna Montana videos on my laptop and walk into a door and drop and break my laptop.

Do not use superglue while making your 900th origami creation because you cannot find the bright red stick of glue on the kitchen table because the kitchen table is covered with another 400 origami creations and then with supergluey fingers touch the screen of my Kindle Fire on which you have been watching Hanna Montana videos since the death of my laptop.

When you are having a poo, do not open the bathroom door to see who's at the door - they don't want to see a pooing 12yo.

Similarly, there must be some other time we could have all those important conversations. I will not sit in he bathroom to chat with you and sitting outside the door isn't the best fun either.

not at 5.30am either.

I am a 35yo woman, privacy in my own bedroom should be a basic human right.

you don't need to talk about mummy's smelly poos in public. they might be funny to a 12yo boy but to a 35yo woman, they're private

granny does not need to know how often we have takeaway, how rarely I iron or every conversation I have with anyone ever. even though she's interested.

my odd socks are not suitable for you to wear for school.

Do not 'help' old ladies up the stairs by walking behind them, grabbing their bottoms and pushing them.

Do not tell everybody you live on a farm and be so consistent in your story telling that even your nursery teachers believe you.

Do worry about that the jewellers are stealing mummy's watch when she leaves it there for a new battery. There is no need to stage a sit-in protest in the shop doorway, screaming that your mummy wants her watch back.

Don't put your father's mobile phone in the nappy wrapper bin, twist it shut and not tell anybody. (only mummy's genius light bulb moment of inspiration saved it from being put out for the dustman)

Don't belly dance in the Museum of Modern Art.
Don't play with a filled water balloon while on the loo.
Don't tell the man with moobs that he is supposed to have a willy not boobies.

Do not yell "wet tshirts!" repeatedly in Tesco. You are 4yo and have shit all idea of the connotations but every other shopper will think you do and look at me like I'm a monster who lets you watch filth on the tv.

Do not eat everything. You do not have pica.

Do not put your fingers up grandma's nose.

Don't hump the non-slip mat in the bath. Weirdo.

In fact, do stop humping things full stop.

Stop mooning the window cleaner.

The next time (and every subsequent time) that Gropey Snogging Couple start up again right outside the living room window, anyone in the house is to line up like the Von Trapps and do a beautifully choreographed dance routine or similar, until GSC find somewhere else to smooch.

Just because it fits in your nose does not mean that it is meant to be in your nose...

Take your tongue out of your nose

Ds1(3) - ds2(1) is not a horse and you cannot ride him.

Ds1 - the remote control does not belong in the fish tank.

Ds1 - toys should not be washed in the fish tank.

Dd1 (5) and ds1 - fish food is not shake and vac.

Dd1 - sudocrem is not the same as windolene.

Don't tell Daddy, after we have been doing Christmas shopping, that we have bought him a "secret radio".

Daddy is not a horse. If you are in a rucksack on his back, beating him on his bald spot will not make him go faster.

If a bald man comes to the house, don't tell him that his barber, "Snipped and snipped and snipped until there was none left".

Not all stepmothers are wicked. Mine isn't and please don't tell her I taught you that she was.

And since they became teenagers.....

Don't buy more and more clothes and use them as a way of totally concealing your carpet.

Clothes from Hollister and SuperDry might be lovely, are certainly expensive but don't call them "designer" to justify your extravagance.

Maybe don't tell people that your favourite bit of mummy is her moustache...

Fresh from today...

Don't tell everyone at school nanny is going to die. She said diet not die. She is losing weight not her life!!!!!

I had condolences off several people thanks to you ear wigging!

Do not shout "Ladies love willies!" very loudly in toilet adjacent to tearoom in Botanic Gardens.

Or anywhere, really, actually, now that I think about it...

Don't pull my top down and show then general public 'mummy's tiny boobies'
Don't try to ride the dog. She is not a horse.
Neither is the cat
Don't try to climb in the fish tank. You cannot repeat not swim in there
No ham sandwiches in the DVD player. Even if you are trying to send it to Thomas on the telly.
Do not use permanent marker to decorate the walks,telly,fridge, cat and your face.
Do not use permanent marker to draw a moustache and beard on your face, you are two years old and its not a good look!
Don't try to post pennies in the cats bum. She is not a money box.
Neither is the dog.
Please.....do not ever wake me up by taking all of your clothes and nappy off and sitting on my head. Mummy does not appreciate your willy anywhere near her eye. Especially at 5am.
Yes you are cute, but not everyone appreciates seeing your 'sexy bum bum' being paraded around ttescos.
Please stop calling random strangers daddy.
Please stop pointing at random strangers bums and shouting poo poo. Mummy gets some very dissaproving looks.
Your tractors, cars, food, and socks do not belong in mummy's drink. Neither do the fish. Especially if it is a glass of wine

When in public, don?t say loudly ?That?s not very nice. You hit me? when I didn?t (and don?t ever)
Don?t insist on a second yoghurt, then only eat one tiny mouthful before declaring that you are full
Don?t eat Vaseline
Don?t help me by carrying a full potty. I appreciate the intentions, but you are actually making more work for me
Teddy does not need THAT much Sudocrem when you are giving him a nappy change
Do not hang up the phone when I am talking to someone on it
Do not shove Play Doh down my neck or in my pockets
The bar of chocolate hidden in my bag is mine and I need it more than you do