House rules I forgot to make.

You are NOT Buzz !ightyear
No, you cannot fly

You are NOT the fecking Andrex puppy

do not open the dettol.

do not pour dettol on your baby brother.

do not drink the dettol.

do not let the dog out onto the main road.

do not light a gas burner under a plastic teapot to make a cuppa.

you do not need to empty your brother's colostomy bag. in the middle of the night. all over mummy and daddy's room.

when asked to find something round, do not suggest my (not pregnant) friend's tummy. or her breasts.

do not ask your teacher if she's been decorating (she's going grey).

do not practice being a tightrope walker on the landing banister.

do not hang out of the window to paint the house. do not paint the house with talcum powder mixed with water.

Do not play golf with dried dog poo in the garden. Our NDN do not like it.

[Message to me and DSis about 30 years ago ]

Hiariois thread! Have read the whole thing!

My own:
Do not put stickers in your ear resulting in 2 trips to hospital to have it removed.
Do not put beads in your ears. Or up your nose.
Do not put peas up your nose.
JUST DON'T PUT THINGS IN YOUR EARS OR UP YOUR NOSE.

Do not throw mummy's phone over the fence onto the train line.

Do not wear character shoes to preschool.

Stop walking around the house in my best high heels. You'll break your neck. Or worse; my shoes!

Stop giving your 5yo brother a makeover. Yes he does look pretty but he enjoys it far too much!

Do not put your hand in between my legs and help me wipe, mid pee. I do not need help from a 2 year old, you will get a wet hand and it doesn't speed things up! Let me pee in peace!!!

Do not launch yourself at the whirly washing line pole from a chair playing fireman's pole. Garrotting yourself is not the look of the season. nasty red lines across throat after being lifted down

Do not swallow ball bearings even if they do look like silver peas.

Do not throw away one of my shoes causing me to spend weeks looking again and again behind the sofa.

Do not colour in your privates with my favourite lippy.

Do not chop a whole melon aged 4 with the biggest knife you can find whilst it's rolling around on the counter top.

Do not tell your grandparents with great excitement about the dairy, leading them to believe you want to see the cows, and leaving them nonplussed to find themselves cajoled into buying ice cream in a NZ corner shop.

Morning biscuit crumbs are welcome with your grandparents in their bed but I do not want them in mine. the crumbs not the grandparents Actually both!

do not clean DVDs with CIF

no arranging baby's fingers so it looks like s/he's giving the finger.

no taking pictures this arrangement either or of your poo, saliva, snot or doing a wee.

no getting the dog drunk

there's no such thing as a Barbie autopsy

do not eat your uncle's biggest goldfish

do not release all the rest of the goldfish back to the sea by flushing them down the toilet

do not dress the dog in your pyjamas

do not cut off your eyelashes

do not brush your teeth with soap to spite your family

do not play with grandma's false teeth. do not hide them either

do not run through a glass door because you are having a tantrum

do not cook unbroken eggs in the microwave oven - experiments like this will not make you a scientist

no shaking up unopened cans & bottles of fizzy drinks - not at home, not in the shops, not anywhere

boys - do not try on my bras. just no!

do not try to hang yourself as a joke to scare the girl next door.

when she is hysterical and runs to tell that you jumped into a hole from a tree with a rope around your neck and miscalculated the distance and very nearly killed yourself - do not celebrate.

the fact that you nearly died is not equal to "mission accomplished", no matter how white her face went.

(true story, happened 30 years ago. utter idiots!)

do not use your baby brother's face as a colouring book - purple metallic felt tip pen does not look good on his eye lids.
nor does green on his hair, blue on his lips or pink in his ears.

do not take your grobag, sleepsuit and nappy off in the middle of night then pee yourself.
do not wake me up shrieking at 3 am, because you woke up freezing cold from being naked and wet. (waking me up is ok, shrieking is not)

do not flood the upstairs bathroom in Grandma's house on Boxing Day causing all things electric to short circuit in the kitchen.
indoor rain is not "wow"

Crying here!!

Do not try to put rasins in your 3 week old sisters mouth. Saying "she was hungry" does not make it any better.
Do not tip juice from your cup on the same sister.
Sudocrem is not sun cream or carpet shampoo.

Rule 1) When you are first in the bath and your brother is next, do not wee in the bath.
Rule 2) Rule 1 still applies when you have got out of the bath and your brother has got in.

Do not keep telling your little sister that you have let her imaginary dog off the lead and now he has run away!

Do not eat fox poo

No sitting on your sister's imaginary dog

So glad I read some of these. Now I know that it is normal for children to lick cars and metal poles that hold up canopies in shopping centres and stick fingers up cat's bums etc because my 2 year old niece does this too.

Do not lick the seat on the tube
Do not put stickers on your baby brother's head
Do not tell the lady in the que behind us that Mummy does her poo in the toilet

To dd then age 2.

Please make sure you urinate before trying on Mummy's brand new unworn shoes.

do not clean the toilet bowl with my tooth brush

sexydragon "Don't ask me to smell your poo's everytime you do one to see if it's stinkier than the last."

can I top this?

do not try to smell your sister's poo every time and then check the texture with your finger when I look away!
and if you menage, do not wipe it on my pillow!

do not repeat any swear words, ever.

no need to tell me to not eat your willy, I wasn't planning to do so anyway...

do not look at people and say "fat" (even if that is one of the only 5 words you can say at the age of 28 months)

do not put your hands in my top and pull it down to reveal my bra - especially in church.

do not force my eyelids apart in the morning followed by a cheery "Mummy, you are awake!" (actually that is rather sweet...)

Poos are limited to 1 per person when we are getting ready for school/work in the morning. This enables mum to be able to get in the bathroom and actually get washed!

Don't put peas up your nose.