House rules I forgot to make.

No invoking Satan!

Do not try eating the poo your sister inadvertantly left lying on the carpet

• a contender for worst parenting moment - only a contender mind you - a potty training/ learning to crawl calamity clash - I may have raised an eyebrow

Don't put the baby in a headlock (this said to OH!)

Don't eat the cat.

Mummy's new lipstick is not for drawing on the walls with.
Mummy's old lipstick is not for drawing on the walls with.
Leave Mummy's lipstick ALONE!

You can't put toothpaste on Mummy's 'buzzy toothbrush' when it's already on.

Waltzing into to the front room and proudly announcing "I'm naked " pronounced nekked is not OK when we have guests.

Just because Mummy's expensive-special-treat-for-her-shampoo smells nice it is not OK to wash in it before a school disco.

Those things with strings in the green box in the bathroom are not 'missile launchers' for Action man, nor are they 'mice' to chase each other with.

Don't put sudocrem on the carpet. Especially don't put it all over the carpet.

Don't blame the goldfish for eating Mummy's Green & Black's.

Don't wash your trumpet (not a euphemism) with Mummy's best bubble bath.

Don't poo in a Kandoo box.

Don't throw your pants out of the window and onto the flat roof.

Don't throw your pants over the garden fence, as it unsettles the neighbours.

Don't post money in the DVD player. It is not a Money box

Toilet rolls do not go down the toilet, especially if you are going to pull the flush

No being sick out of the window - if you are drunk make sure you take a bucket with you (note to ds1)

Don't lick the toilet
You have to sit down to wee everytime (DD2)
Don't shave the dog
Don't drink out of the dogs bowl

Don't wait until your teenage sister is in the bath and then shout that you weed in her water.
Don't wait until your teenage sister is in the bat ad shout that you are sitting on her pillow with your bare bottom and rubbing it from side to side.
Don't wait until morning to tell your sister you sat on her pillow with your bare bottom yesterday.

Don't put pooey pants behind the radiator. Especially in winter.

If you think a question is sensitive, do not ask it, not even in your best stage whisper...

"muu-uuum, I thought men had moustaches. Why does Grandma have one? Is she not a lady?"

sigh.

Your bowel movements should not be discussed over dinner. I'm glad we are close, but I don't want to hear about the texture, shape, size and gruntability of your poos.

Use the correct item for cleaning, ie do not varnish the wardrobe doors with sudocream nor sprinkle a whole bottle of ink on big sister's carpet like Shake n Vac

Don't poo in the drawers in the bathroom.

Don't poo in the bin in your bedroom.

Don't insert your sisters lipstick and toothbrush up your bottom.

Don't tell grandma that her back ache is probably a tumour.

Don't spend your dinner money on 4 cans of energy drink and then be angry that your teacher has rung me about your persistently disruptive behaviour that afternoon.

Don't play with your willy in front of grandma.

The music channel is not to be watched at grandmas house because she finds catching you wanking rather embarrassing.

Do not tell your teacher about "daddys thrashing stick". It does not exist and your teacher will look at me askance.

When he was younger: you are not a train, and neither am I
A year or so later: you are not a jedi and I am not a sith
A year or so later: you are not Link and I am not Zelda
Yesterday: you are not a rock star and I am not your manager. Nor am I "killing your buzz". Just do your homework.

Do not post the Sky viewing card into the washing machine.
Or my handbag
Or Daddies shoes
Or any shoes
Or your nappy. Leave it where it is.

I will change your sisters nappy, I appreciate the help but you are 7 and not strong enough to stop her wriggling away and smearing poo all over the floor which she then puts her feet in.

DS please don't answer the door while 'adjusting' yourself. It looks odd.

Do not pull every single wipe out of a new eighty wipe packet and dispose of round the room. It is not decorating.

do not rub sudacream in hair/clothes/carpet/upholstery/cat

pulling cats' whiskers does not end well. Did she scratch you? Serves you right (actually, evil cat only threatened and never touched him at that time, but it would have served him right)

Do not brush the dog's teeth with daddy's toothbrush.

don't ask mummy when it's time to have sherry in front of health visitor

No handstands against a full length glass door (she 12, you might expect a tiny bit of sense)

our sub woofer used to be home to lego and playmobil bits too!

don't eat other siblings sick

About four weeks ago:

Don't stick sequins and googly eyes on your brothers willy.

And constantly:

Branches are not lightsabres
Sticks are not lightsabres
Baguettes are not lightsabres
Kitchen roll tubes are not lightsabres
No lightsabres at the table
No lightsabres up bums

No naked trampolining