House rules I forgot to make.

Trucksanddinosaurs your post is one of the reasons I've nominated this thread for Classics!

reminded by an earlier poster.

do not wear an elasticated skirt, that is easily pulled down by a toddler, to the school disco. You will end up flashing your knickers to the DJ.

to 10 month ds, do not try to follow cat through cat flap, you will get stuck.

to dd. check there is space on sofa before sitting down, this would avoid sitting on random items left there, most recently, your brothers pizza.

No daffodils in plug sockets.

Is this in Classics yet

Said to DS 10 months;
Do not lick the cat.
Do not poke the cats nose.
Do not poke the cats eye.
Do not poke the cats bumhole.
Do not pull the cats tail.
Do not cry when the cat runs away from you.
All in the space of 5 minutes.

Laughing so much at this thread that Dh came to see why I wasn't sleeping as it's my (rare) turn for a lie in!

From when dd was little:
Sudocrem is not paint, hair product or carpet shampoo...
The dvds are not to be flung around the room in the time it takes for mummy to get you water
Do not pee in your room, in the bathroom bin or in the hallway.... You are a child, not a dog!
Do not answer the front door naked...

Do not put your face mm from mine and yell "wake up" that does not put mummy in a good mood for the day.

Do not sneak into mummy's bed for a cuddle and then do a wee. That is of the highest degree.

:o at 'bouncy bouncy jumping hill'

Love this thread

trucks I love your post so much I think I might steal it and share it. It so reflects my life!

Mummy's pants are not a hat.
Not is my camisole to be used as a cuddly.
Nor is my underwired padded bra a bouncy bouncy jumping hill for Owl and Panda.
Look just get out of my underwear drawer already.
No the dinosaur must not go in the microwave.
Or in the DVD player.
Okay he can go in the fridge.
All right he can come out again.
Yes he's cold now but he must not go in the toaster to get warm.
Right, the kitchen is now closed.
Owl does not need to swim in the loo.
Or rub himself on the loo brush.
Or eat toothpaste.
Right, Owl is going in the washing machine. Yes I know I said he was not allowed to get wet but that was before he played with the loo brush.
It will be a lovely adventure for Owl. Please stop crying. He is fine. Look, he's swimming nicely.
Right we are going out. Get your hat.
No, Mummy's pants are not a hat.

Don't keep saying "look at my boobies" very loudly while mummy's on the phone booking a pedicure!

My two are 10 and 14 and these STILL apply

Don't wrap your brother in copper wire you borrowed from school and attempt to plug him into the mains. He is not Frankenstein's monster and it is NOT scientific.

Don't repeatedly slam yourself into lamp posts, it is NOT hug a lamp post day.

Don't steal your brother's comfort blanket and proceed to tell him a horrid story of how it was murdered and is now being buried under the street by the workmen around the corner as you speak.

Don't set up your brother's PC to have a screamer appear as soon as he moves the mouse.

Don't bite your sister and blame it on the ghosts.

Don't attempt to use your father's CDs he needs for work to practice your 'DJ scratching skills' with. Neither of us will be impressed.

Don't pour gravy in the toaster.

Pet hamsters who have passed on do NOT need a viking burial. They will be buried the old fashioned way.

Do NOT borrow your sister's makeup, doll yourself up as Heath Ledger's version of The Joker and hide under her bed until she lays down for the night. The resultant scream will bring several neighbours running to see what happened.

*leaving our house!
grr

bloody MN app!
*bottom of the pram.

Do not put nail varnish on your feet and the hall carpet in 20 seconds it took me to go back to the car to fetch your baby brother.

Do not put sweetcorn up your nose.

do not drop the car and house keys into the country of the pram of a friend getting our house.

Do not hide those keys inside the sub-woofer where we don't think to look for four days.

Just because you are the same size shoe as me, it does not mean that my brand new shoes are there to be borrowed without asking.

I have two pairs of shoes, you have 6 pairs. I may begin to return the favour...

Look where you are going when you are ogling that wholly unsuitable, 5 years older than you older teenage boy with his top off.

Said to DD 30 seconds before she walked into a lamppost...

Do NOT leave open packs of Haribo in your trouser pocket. The washing machine isn't a fan of sweets

From today : Do NOT lick the bus window just after someone else has sneezed all over it.

Do not put mummy's coaster under the rug.
Do not unroll the entire toilet roll.
Do not shake mummy's bottle of fizzy pop & bang it on the floor.
Do not pull all the DVDs off the shelf.
Do not climb up the stairs on your own before mummy & daddy manage to shut the stair gate.
Do not open the living room cupboard & get the wine bottles out.
Do not throw mummy or daddy's glasses across the room.
Do not change channels on the TV. You are only 11 months old & are not entitled to select the afternoon viewing.

My DH when he was little:
Do not 'measure' the toothpaste by squeezing out the entire tube.
Do not write your name on all the pans.
Do not strip off at every possible opportunity.
Do not steal cucumber from the market stall & eat it in your push chair.
Do not butter the wall.

To parents : do NOT ignore a toddler tugging at your trousers or skirt on the High street, especially if said skirt or trousers have an elasticated waist.

Sanitary towels are NOT aeroplanes and do NOT stick them all over the bathroom wall.

Sudocrem is NOT shampoo.

Do not use jam to dye my carpet red because I refused to buy a red carpet.

Do not poke my eye to wake me up.

Do not show off your new found "cutting skills" that they showed you at nursery by chopping up a fiver from my purse and expect me to be impressed