House rules I forgot to make.

Do not eat Daddy's wedding ring. It is not a steak, it looks nothing like a steak and if you wanted something to eat to pretend it was a steak like Alex the Lion in Madagascar then you should have asked instead of eating Daddy's wedding ring.

Voting this for Classics...

Fair enough Amazing! But one day, it wont be snot....just sayin' :o

I have 6 too, my eldest is DS who is 22. I wont tell you any of his stories other than to say that shortly after his 13th birthday I realised that the bolts on his high sleeper needed tightening and it needed moving slightly further away from the wall

bogey face - it is snot.
if you mean wet dreams and the like DSs are not that age yet!! (grin)

and one for school:

no money making schemes!
even if he begs you, you are still not allowed to bump your head on your friend's chin in the hope that his wobbly tooth fill fall out and that you share the money the tooth fairy brings him!

Amazing if its a DS, then that aint snot...........

no drinking an entire glass of wine at the age of 2 then licking your lips, grinning (just coz Daddy looked away)

parents - never ever take your eyes off your children. never.
learn to sleep with your eyes open.

no hitting your baby sister with a brick

no using your baby brother's mouth as a piggy bank

no sneaking downstairs at 2am play on the Wii

no collecting banana peels, apple cores, empty yogurts pots, chocolate & pepperami wraps, all your school ties and half your PE kit under your bed.

and what's with the mountain of snotty tissues?

Oh, Vaseline.

No smearing Vaseline around the entire insides of the car when your baby sister has just done one of those poos that explode out of the nappy.

No giving sanitary towels to a neighbour who wants to blow her nose.

No offering snot to strangers.

no playing with mummy's tampons in the bath.

no decorating the ceiling & walls of bathroom with wet tampons

no drawing the water level of the bathwater with mummy's fucking expensive and only lipstick

no painting the keyboard with Dulux paint samples

no covering the sofa with the contents of the biggest jar of Vaseline, and on each others clothes & hair, then denying it the face of being caught "red" handed.

not eating candles

What's with all the 'licking'.

Do not run around upstairs waggling your willy when your DD15 has her friend over who is an only child and doesn't have younger boy cousins so doesn't understand what boys do.

Rules for guests:
Don't piss in our mugs
Don't ask me to wipe your bottom (6 year old)
Don't make a drink out of coffee, olives and water and then be sick in the drains

For DH.
Look I can never remember ages. Not even my own half of the time and when you rock in -quietly I will admit- at 1am slightly squiffy when I have to be up at 6 and try and have a conversation with me I am not likely to be very articulate.
Therefore the new rule is to not get pouty at me when I think you are 40 next year. Yes I know it isn't till the year after but seriously, singing 'Flobba is a meany' in my ear is only going to get you an elbow in the stomach. And I would rather like to go back to sleep. Tell me about your night out in the morning.

For DD2 yes of course you can pat Daddy on the head to wake him up. Yes I know I usually move you but today is special and yes of course you can stick your finger in Daddy's ear

Please Please PLEASE let me do a poo in peace.

dont put the rubber bath toy "o" on your brothers willy ?
not all remote controls belong to you . sorry best mate
cream for your skin is not meant for the dog,
posting the house keys out of the letter box with the door locked is not funny.
slamming the door behind mummy is not funny especially as the keys are on the stairs, and now you refuse to post the keys thro the letter box?

Do not throw the big dolly out of the upstairs window and then scream out of the upstairs window that the baby has fallen out of the upstairs window. It is very cruel to passers-by.

Only God is God. No-one else is God. Yes, he is everywhere but that doesn't mean you're God.

Do not wake me at 5am with complicated scientific questions. I don't know the answer and I feel foolish, especially as I am 30 years older than you and should know. I'm sorry I don't know any answers to any of your questions.

Don't ask me, in a loud voice, complicated questions about the planets on the bus because I don't know the answer and I feel foolish.

Don't lick the window just because the cat does
x

Do not shout "WHY IS THAT MAN WEARING A DRESS?" on a packed bus.
Do not shout "BUT HE IS A MAN!!! HE HAS A BEARD!!!" when told that actually, it is a lady.
Do not choke on the chocolate buttons forced down your throat in an attempt to shut you up.

Out of my three daughters DD3 has already got me quaking in my slippers. I have no idea what the next few years will bring.

Last week....

Do not climb out of your cot
Do not climb out of cot and barricade yourself in bedroom
Do not make mummy consider calling the fire brigade because she can't get in
AND
Do not take off all your clothes and nappy then do a gigantic poo and pick it up to present to mummy when she finally breaks in to bedroom.
You are only just ONE year old for gods sake!!!!

These are old ones now but:

Please don't call every random man 'daddy' especially when we are in a lift in John Lewis and there's no escape.

I like rainbows too but not the one the entire length of the sofa drawn on the wall in wax crayon in my newly decorated lounge.

My wedding dress didn't need a rainbow on it either.

I have hours and hours of embarrassing video footage including naked bouncing on the trampoline. Mums revenge is of the sweet variety

don't clean your teeth with my razor

Grannys nurofen are not sweets

don't put your head through the cat flat

don't lick your brother

When the postman puts the letters through the letterbox, it is not the start of a game wherein the next move is for you to push them back out onto the street again.

Similarly, my house keys are needed inside the house when the door is locked, and shouldn't be posted onto the street outside.