fecking animals are driving me nuts and i am going to kill them all

Oh, the halti.

Bastard dog used to run sideways, like a crab, with her nose almost touching her shoulder whenever I put one of those on her. She would also do her "staffie screech" whilst doing it, and people would look at me like I was abusing her, not trying to take her for a lovely, peaceful walk.

Do yours always lie in EXACTLY the wrong spot? Bottleneck in kitchen? There he is. Doorway in sitting room? Perfect for a little lie-down. I spend my life stepping over the fecker.

He is an ardent shit-eater. I have posted before about the grimmest of the grim. I shall not repeat, merely hint: ds2 caught short during D&V bug. Dog got there first. I couldn't look at him for days...

I must admit, I have used him strategically during those traumatic early toilet training days whistles innocently

Whilst I was out of the house for the first time since Thursday, stupid sodding dog got bored and has eaten her collar.

Not chewed, eaten. All that's left is the buckle.

So now I'm back on poo monitor duties which in this weather means scouring in over a foot of snow for crapsicles.

Ridiculous animal.

Have bought halti. Which mutt dog will be the lucky one to try it? Only one. 2 dogs.
Vet had one- thought pet warehouse would have 2... Nope only one. Should have bought one from the vet!
Ah they're following me again...

Oh blimey, the pulling!

MadLab2 used to strain and pull so much his eyes would be rolling, his mouth foaming and he would make a noise like a donkey trapped in the air con. Nothing could convince him this wasn't necessary. SmallDog was apparently jealous of the evil glares we got from strangers when walking them, so decided to join in.... but developed the extra trick of shitting while walking in the hopes you wouldn't notice the trail of dog shit spread thinly along the pavement, therefore elicting better evil glares from passers by. Bastards.

I have Bastardcat, who will lie lovingly purring on your knee until he is suddenly taken over by The Dark Side and sinks his teeth into your flesh, without warning. The Hitler 'tache should have been an omen.

Also Twonkdog, the most pointless animal on the planet. Gets out and follows random strangers through the countryside, proving himself to be harder to shake off than herpes. Has his own cell in the local dog kennels, where he normally ends up after one of his 'adventures'. He also steals food, particularly butter, has a tail that is exactly the right height to swipe wine glasses off the coffee table and despite being a labradoodle, moults enough hair to stuff a mattress on a daily basis.

And Fatlass, the retriever. She sits in mud and barks, mainly. Occasionally comes in to share her mud with us, and that's about it.

Then there's the shit. Oh, the shit. Soooooo much shit...

Pass, would you have been happier if the vet had given him a stern telling off?

Cat shat on my bed so I took him to vets The vet said its because he's not happy The CAT is not happy

So far this evening

Cat wants to come in. Let cat in.
BigDog follows cat. Runs away every time cat looks at him.
LittleDog thinks this is a hilarious game and follows BigDog following the cat.
Cat gets pissed off, hisses and scratches BigDog.
BigDog cries and jumps on the sofa.
LittleDog copies BigDog.
Both dogs run over the sofa 4 times.

Cat walks away.
BigDog follows cat. Runs away when cat looks at him.
LittleDog follows
Cat pissed off, hisses, BigDog and little dog cry and run up and down the sofa.

Cat wants to go out. Let cat out.
30 seconds after I shut the door, BigDog wants to go out. Let BigDog out.
30 seconds after I shut the door, LittleDog wants to go out.

Cat wants to come on. Let cat in.
Sit down with coffee. Big dog wants to come in.
Get up, let BigDog in.
Sit down. Lift cup to drink coffee
LittleDog wants to come in. Get up. Let LittleDog in.

Sit down with slightly cold coffee. Cat miaows like a mad thing for food. Both dogs join in.
Get up, feed animals.
Throw cold coffee down the sink.

Cat walks away. Big dog follows. Little dog follows BigDog.

You know the rest.

Fucking stupid animals.

frantically stuffing her tabby face

only good thing about the greedy chocolate labrador - it'll eat cat sick if it beats me to it ... I make sure she does!

The comment about pulling reminded me of my old girl. Christ she could pull a tractor if needed she was so strong. My right arm is longer than my left by about two inches. I blame her even though the bitch has been dead 2.5 years

The vom song - I know it well. Evil cat has skills in this. She has always eaten too fast, she didn't work out what flavour was until she was eight (she's nineteen now and evil). So you would hear her frantically stuffing her tabby face, then a pause, then 'yowl, yowl, yowwwwllll...' Then the most revolting, convulsive heaving noises. Then second hand catfood all over the carpet. She would go from the kitchen where there was lino to the dining room where there was carpet as she would only barf on carpet. Or slippers. Or once another cat. And then she immediately begs for more food! She can make a simple barf last twenty minutes.

Don't tell anyone but I hate the guinea pig

It's my ds' pet but he doesn't do anything for it. Do I have to clean it out, feed it endless veg and hay. It's a pooing machine

It's never been friendly
I'm sorry, I'm a bad person

Aaah and lead pulling! Fingers snapping off from cold and they are pulling and wheezing. Will attach a sled soon. MUSH!

DD (almost 2) constantly shouting 'out dide! Out dide dirls! Do! Do way!'
Can you guess what i am shouting at our dogs all day?
Stinky, sniffy, food stealing, moping around, under feet, bum licking, jumping up, nutty barking at nothing, in out in out in out, begging, sneaky dogs! Can't hate them though... But do hate their blardy furr stuck to my socks arrrrgh!

Potassium? Bananas? I have 10 bananas next to me.

Though I don't like bananas either. But banana vom more palatable than shitty vom. Just.

Now bastard loud cat is being bastard loud, and I'm trying to cook tea and all the cat food is in the car. She will have to starve.

Has anyone done the "picking up a cat as they're doing the barfing song" dance? I had to do that the other day and spent ages spinning around trying to decide if front or back door was closer. Which meant the projectile vom was neatly splattered in an arc all over the walls of our hallway. Was tempted to let bastard dog clean that up too.

our pets are all over-spoilt pains in the arses.

Ragdoll 1: prima donna 'I'm considerably more well bred than you' type; expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Ragdoll 2: mad fucker; wall eyed; uncertain parentage ? half squirrel; will take on anything (so much for being placid ); expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Moggie 3: old; most awful violin type wowl; stubborn fecker; expert at in out in out in out game; moults like a bastard

Labrador: slave to cats; will eat anything except bananas, funnily enough considering upthread, likes to roll in anything over 20 days dead; likes to eat shit and puke back; expert at in out in out in out game but not as good as cats; big scaredy cat who won't go out in dark by self; currently on state of high alert as has not yet been taken for walk - if I twitch an eyebrow she almost shits herself with excitement; moults like a bastard; shits her own body weight thrice daily

Rabbit: ungrateful, self serving little fecker who gives nothing back except crap

fucking bastard animals.

I've just returned from the kitchen to find a fucking cat that doesn't even live here curled up on a kitchen chair, as if one furry nuisance isn't enough. I suspect this is because I have had to prop open the catflap because my thick cat is scared of it flapping in the wind, my kitchen is bloody freezing because of it and I can feel a draught coming under the door, now I'm going to have to buy a draught excluder. When this cat dies I am never getting another one, the bloody thing doesn't even like me it only goes to DH so I get all the work and none of the benefit.

Evil cat this morning was sitting in her lair by the radiator and started her pre-vomit song. She does the drama really well - five minutes of operatic 'I'm going to be sick' song and then two minutes of convulsive regurgitation noises and then one small teaspoon of froth. Except this morning she had the sick song, dragged herself across the living room carpet and then threw up into my slippers.

Not happy.

I have literally written a book about our cats.

We have 3 cats.
Small Orange Cat randomly shits on the floor every so often. I was particularly unimpressed when I was just falling back to sleep at 4.45am after being awake with ill DC to hear him scratching around on our bedroom carpet before there was a horredous smell. He had chosen to shit on the spare uncovered duvet which had fallen on to the floor. The duvet was ruined and I never did get back to sleep.
2 long-haired white cats were a stupid idea as a pet. White fur is every fucking where. I vacuum and 6hrs later have to vacuum again. I spent a hour brushing fur off my coat before an important trip to London but it still didn't look much better. I couldn't even watch tv while doing it because they had knocked the cables that connect the Virgin box to the tv. They are perfectly litter tray trained, but do loose shits that get in their fur so we have to wash their shitty arses before the sit on the furniture. They stink.
One in particular is obsessed by my hair. He sits by me and licks/ chews it. Yesterday, while I was making an important phone call he constantly tried to climb on my shoulder (he is huge) to get to it.
They sit at the top of the stairs in the dark waiting to trip us up.