fecking animals are driving me nuts and i am going to kill them all

Oh, it's you again. The panda hater.

:(

You've made me sad. :( Again. :(

Ha!
Idiot dog ate the plaster even without horse hair.
And the skiting boards - well, saves me on dusting!
He also poos 7 times a day.
Costs me a fortune in baggies - I'm a model citizen, me, always pick up.

Ok I am so with you all

Dog no 1 - saintly staffie but he does chew everything at the moment- and I mean everything - all the kids toys, my place mats, the sofa ....

Mad dog no2 - stalker dog she silently creeps under your feet and then trips you up to lick you to death

Chickens - actually they are quite cool at the mo

Pigs - fucking uselss fuckers who have turned my garden into the Somme - spent the weekend making a new enclosure for them which they broke out of within 5 mins - too frigging smart for their own good - and we love them both so I can't even eat them......

Oh yes and the mud

We have a cat flap which cat can use.
I'm on sofa.
Cat meows at back door repeatedly until I open door. Door is beside flap.
Cat has made point.

This-

www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/dre0347l.jpg

ah! I feel at home!

cat: shits in bath, pisses on any clothing discarded on floor. likes to do running jumps at shut window ( accidently headbutted a cactus and i almost DIED laughing, he was like this >> )
hide behind doors and attacks dogs. tried to excape out of the letter box
he truely is a twat of a cat.

dog 1: spends his WHOLE day doing one of 3 things:
slurping and sucking and licking his cock
following the cat around and licking his arse
trying to lick my face. fucking delightful.

dog 2: gets scared easily, and gets upset if he thinks you are telling him off.

We had a house bunny. It cost me a fortune in vets bills due to its teeth problems. Bit much for something that some would stew or turn into gloves. By the end he couldn't clean his backend to spent a lot of time flicking his paws and thumping. Husband and I had to use the baby bath to wash its bum in every three days. Sigh.

Thank you ladies for stopping me feeling dog broody.

I have a senior kitizen with dementia (16) that walks into empty rooms and cries extremely loudly for ages like she can't remember how to use an open door.
The little cat looks like a bizzare bat/cat/monkey hybrid and is a kleptomaniac. She has been known to drag cooked chickens out of carrier bags, remove the packaging and devour brazenly on the kitchen floor.

I have a corner sofa, 7ft x 10ft. Where am I sitting? At the dining table, that's where.
The German shepherd is stretched out on one side with the cat lying on her head.
The irish setter pup is taking up the whole of the other end, he is only 6 months and is almost taller than my 8yo shepherd.

They are all getting shoved onto their beds in a minute.

When I was pregnant with ds1, the cats used to follow me to the loo every single bloody time - as if they didn't think I could be trusted to pee on my own, due to my delicate condition! As soon as I headed for the stairs, they would dash after me, and would both sit opposite the loo, on the edge of the bath, watching. Off putting, you will agree!

If I ever managed to make it upstairs without one of them noticing and sounding the alert, I would hear a thunder of paws as they ran up in a panic, for fear I had thrown myself in and drowned, I think!

Fuck knows what their logic is.

Mmm, this plastic bottle is ossom, oh is that my blood all over the floor, never mind, wonderful bottle is worth the pain.

Maryz, nowhere on this thread has anyone documented cruelty to animals. Just animals being cruel to themselves through absolute & total stupidity.

god I'd love to have a piss alone. Always at least 2 of the feckers downstairs, usually the wall eyed Ragdoll and the fat labrador, just in case I decide to do a bit of cooking and drop something while I'm in there (apart from the obvious ) and all 3 cats if I'm upstairs, one of them usually having a sychronised piss in the litter tray to keep me company

you'd never guess they were the most pampered pets in town

Jack Russell Terroriser:

Barks head off in the car. Wakes baby.

Barks head off at the doorbell. Wakes baby.

Rolls in fox poo. Cleans self by rolling all over lounge rug.

Gets covered in mud. Jumps on bed.

Disappears down rabbit holes for five hours. Brings home ticks.

Sits at back door whining to go out everytime I get comfy on the sofa.

Sits at back door whining to come in everytime I get comfy on the sofa.

Prefers to divide poo into one thousand tiny pieces by snapping them off while crouching around the lawn so it takes me half an hour to make it child friendly again. Every fucking time.

What the hell goes through heads when they eat these things? If anything?

My mum came home one day to find MadDog and StupidDog merrily eating the wall. Actually scraping the plaster off then eating it.

Ah, memories..... maybe I do need a dog....

Salmotrutta not the toilet but the toilet paper - all we needed was a small lapse in concentration locking away the loo paper and evil cat would happen - instant confetti. I had a lovely cast iron kitchen roll holder that made it really easy to tear off one sheet at a time. Unfortunately it held evil cat's mortal enemy, paper on a roll. Grab, fall, kick confetti out of it.

Mine had to be unzipped as a puppy too Cock, she'd eaten a sock whole, it got wrapped around in her intestines and was rotting. Mmm. Thank god for pet insurance that's all I can say.

Since then she has learned much from this lesson. The list of non food items eaten consists of (but is not limited to) 4 bibs, numerous pairs of shoes, a pair of pyjamas, a bottle of bubble bath, 2 pairs of slippers, the beading from around the floor, the arm of a sofa, 3 slats from a set of horizontal blinds, her lead (leaving only the buckle again), the sky cable, several nappies (boaktastic), a leather boot, numerous pants and socks, a book, 2 DVD cases, a razor and now her second collar.

She's had to be crate trained for her own safety. Ridiculous animal.

I can't jeep a straight face reading these.
Yes muttdogs remind me of those fish that attach themselves to whales... Or the birds that sit in the hippos...hmmm meaning i am said hippo or whale... Metaphorically speaking.
Wherever i am, they are there... Bad enough having a 2y/o watch you piss. I have an entire audience.
Shall we talk about poo?
Muttiest of dogs (aka MD1) likes to roll in it- preferably straight after a bath. Au de mutt. What's that you see muttdog? Duck shit! Oi oi! Puppy foie gras!! Buon appetite!

Best. Thread. Ever.

I have 2 bastards cats. They are too lazy to do anything but murder small furry animals and drink out of the toilet .

We have to keep the lid down at all times now.

You lie, from what I've seen you're in a state of permanent outrage. You big po you.

If anyone wants a truly terrible shit related story I could recount the time ridiculous dog got into the cat litter tray, ate cat shit, puked cat shit, ate cat shit puke.

Her breath was unpleasant to say the very least.

This thread is fantastic . We have no pets currently, but when I was younger we had a CuntHamster. Little bugger would hang from the top of his cage and aim a stream of piss out through the bars. Also would only sleep in his food dish. At first we thought it was just the dish that he liked, so we put his food in a different dish and his bedding in the first one. Nope, just moved on to the new food dish. Also, he appeared to have quite the taste for human blood.

We also had a SuicideFish. It's bowl was on a shelf in the kitchen. Every morning for about a week we came down to find SuicideFish flapping about in the sink, having catapulted itself out of the bowl and in to the sink. My mother finally put a pair of tights over the bowl to keep the fucker in.

Randal, consider yourself lucky. We've discovered the occasional sock in the garden after StupidDog had attempted to digest it. But once she ate a teatowel. Devoured it without a trace. We only knew because we took her to the vets because she hadn't eaten her breakfast (could only be something serious to prevent that) and was looking sorry for herself. Multiple hundreds of £ and an operation later, the vet asked if we would like it back as it was almost completely intact (we think he was joking). StupidDog had actually choked down a teatowel, whole for nothing apart from her own enjoyment. She would do the same again. Dogs, wtf.