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Original poster

Given that most of us failed the on-line British Citizen test, let's make up our own questions about what it's like to be British?

184 replies

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 16:50

original thread here

We need questions about British culture, class and manners, which would truly work out whether you knew the country. For example:

Which of these expressions would only be used by someone from the lower middle class:

  • Bog
  • Loo
  • Toilet
  • Lavatory
  • Shitter?

List these supermarkets in order of naiceness.

Iceland
Budgens
Aldi
Sainsbury's
Waitrose

What is a snakebite (tick all that apply)?

  • A bite from a snake.
  • A mixture of cider and lager
  • A flaming from a nest of vipers
OP posts:
Bearfrills · 16/01/2013 18:52

You wake up to discover it's 15 degrees outside and a slightly brighter shade of grey than usual. The correct response is:

a. Nothing. It's a normal day.
b. Go back to bed.
c. Ring in sick to work and spend the day incinerating frozen animal parts on the BBQ while wearing shorts and a vest in order to enjoy the summer while it lasts.

Tammy attends university and works two shifts a week at McDonald's. How many Pot Noodles and bottles of supermarket own brand cider can she buy on pay day? Show your work.

Original poster
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 18:46

These are very funny. Smile

OP posts:
ginmakesitallok · 16/01/2013 18:38

You get on a bus. Do you sit

A) on the closest free seat, beside the smelly person
B) on the next closest seat, next to teenager with headphones
C) on next closest seat, and ask person to move their bag
D) you stand

Nancy66 · 16/01/2013 18:38

Rate these crimes in order of offence from 'a little bit naughty' to 'unforgiveable and deserves to be shot'

  1. living in the city but driving a 4 x 4
  2. giving your child a traditional name BUT changing the spelling
  3. not cooking from scratch
  4. buying coloured loo paper
  5. not knowing the difference between 'there' and 'their'
  6. allowing any child under 15 to walk to school alone
OpenMouthInsertCake · 16/01/2013 18:32

Someone you've only met once before tries to greet you with a hug. Do you:

A) Recoil in horror. Make awkward movements to avoid actually touching them and end up being hugged anyway, all the while wishing the ground would swallow you up.
B) Eagerly return the hug.
C) Eagerly return the hug AND kiss them on the cheek.
D) Eagerly return the hug and try to cop a feel of their arse at the same time.

5SpeckledFrogs · 16/01/2013 18:31

You are at a party talking to someone you know slightly. Which of these are acceptable conversational gambits:
a) the weather
b) politics
c) religion
d) your recent STI test

You notice people smile at you in the street. Do you:
a) think how nice the locals are
b) check your skirt isn't tucked in your knickers
c) think they're all plotting to kill you

Original poster
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 18:29

Name which social class each of the following home furnishings styles would place you in?

Swirly carpets, mahogany veneer furniture, lladro porcelain figurines

Leather sofa, twigs and pebbly shit, laminated floor, large telly, sky dish outside

Stripped floorboards, oak kitchen table, farrow and ball paint, Egyptian bed linen

Inherited furniture, threadbare rugs, antiquated heating, oak panelling

OP posts:
lashingsofbingeinghere · 16/01/2013 18:21

It's raining. Do you say to the person next to you at the bus stop

a) nice weather for ducks

b) this bloody country

c) well, at least it's good for the garden

d) bum, I left the washing on the line

f) none of the above. The British will only address a stranger if they are on fire, or similar.

FairPhyllis · 16/01/2013 18:18

Multiple choice. The rules for the much-loved traditional game Mornington Crescent may be obtained by writing to which of the following?

a) The Controller of Radio Four
b) The CEO's office, Transport for London
c) Mrs Ivy Trellis, Pwllheli, North Wales
d) Karl Marx, Highgate Cemetery, London

imogengladhart · 16/01/2013 18:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

alexpolismum · 16/01/2013 18:13

What is Kate short for?

a) Katherine
b) Kathleen
c) Bob

Original poster
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 18:12

An acquaintance has a new job. Do you

a) ask them what the job title is, and how much the salary is?
b) congratulate them and leave it there?
c) skirt around the issue, asking what the responsibilities are and checking out their drive to see if there is a company car?

OP posts:
PastaDee · 16/01/2013 18:11

Ha ha. These are great.

List those permitted to park in p&c spaces at the supermarket.

Original poster
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 18:09

As a Johnny Foreigner, does the Daily Mail like you?

Yes
No
Only if you are white, speak English, are solvent and have a job (which no British person wants).

OP posts:
Original poster
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 18:07

Oh, I thought this had died.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/01/2013 18:03

allegiance not the crap I typed

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/01/2013 18:01

What is the correct pronunciation of scone?

What is the correct way to greet an opposing football fan when you team has just lost?
a)Well played old chap
b)Headbutt in the face and a kick in the nuts
c)Change your alliagence to their team immediately

Which of these expressions means something is good
a)Spiffing
b)Dogs bollocks
c)Sick
d)All of the above

You are an MP, which of these expenses is not allowable
a)Wisteria clearing
b)Adult movies
c)Duck houses
d)All should be allowable but some odious little pleb keeps saying no

FairPhyllis · 16/01/2013 18:00

You are visiting a National Trust property. True or false:

The main highlight of the visit will be the tea shop and gift boutique.

You are encouraged to sit on the furniture in the display rooms.

The entry fee will be very reasonable if you are not National Trust members.

Nancy66 · 16/01/2013 17:54

True or false:

All UK teachers get 30 weeks holiday a year and when they are at work they always finish at 3

All doctor's receptionists are rude, opinionated bitches

Center parks is for posh folks while Butlins is for chavs

whiskeytangofoxtrot · 16/01/2013 17:52

Complete the following sentence:

This is Davina. You are live on Channel 4 please do not

EllieArroway · 16/01/2013 17:51

What does it mean when someone says "Shall I be mother?"

a) They want to adopt you
b) They want to lick their hanky and wipe something off your face
c) They are offering to pour the tea
d) They are asking whether you think they might be pregnant

whiskeytangofoxtrot · 16/01/2013 17:49

You have workers/tradesmen helping out at your residence
DO you offer them a beverage? and if so, what is its colloquial name?
(and how many sugars are contained therein? Wink)

Absy · 16/01/2013 17:48

I'm writing a "culture guide" for a friend who might be moving to the UK, which has been fun.

Some key questions:
Are pants outer wear or under wear?

The following beverage can solve any problem:
a) a nice cup of tea
b) a glass of water
c) a cup of coffee

Nancy66 · 16/01/2013 17:48

Mine is a two-parter.

Before she married Lady Mary shagged a diplomat at Downton who died

a) What country was he from?

b) which servant helped move the body?

whiskeytangofoxtrot · 16/01/2013 17:48

You are making tea:
Mug or cup?
Bag or loose?
Lemon or milk?
Earl Grey or English Breakfast?