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Original poster

Given that most of us failed the on-line British Citizen test, let's make up our own questions about what it's like to be British?

184 replies

MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 16:50

original thread here

We need questions about British culture, class and manners, which would truly work out whether you knew the country. For example:

Which of these expressions would only be used by someone from the lower middle class:

  • Bog
  • Loo
  • Toilet
  • Lavatory
  • Shitter?

List these supermarkets in order of naiceness.

Iceland
Budgens
Aldi
Sainsbury's
Waitrose

What is a snakebite (tick all that apply)?

  • A bite from a snake.
  • A mixture of cider and lager
  • A flaming from a nest of vipers
OP posts:
TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/01/2013 19:55

Demonstrate the pearl-clutch whilst hoping bosum and adjusting judgeypants. Extra points for Shock face whilst harrumphing.
Further bonus if managed in a queue and you manage to elicit support from other queue members without making eye contact.

Original poster
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 19:53

MamaMary. I think it's a fact of life that the British are obsessed with class. This is a thread laughing at this obsession amongst other things.

OP posts:
FellatioNels0n · 16/01/2013 19:53

It snows a bit for three hours.

Do you:

a) Grab a scarf and some sensible boots, then get in your car and go to work as normal.

b) Do a) but put a blanket and a shovel in your car for emergencies.

c) Go out in your car to buy ten loaves of bread then drive home and phone your boss to say you can't come to work for a week.

What happens when it snows a bit for three hours?

a) Schools grit the playgrounds.

b) Schools turn the heating up.

c) Schools call in a couple of supply teachers just to be on the safe side.

d) Schools close for the week so the teachers can sit at home wrapped in a duvet watching old movies and eating ten loaves of bread.

Original poster
MardyBraWouldDoEddieRedmayne · 16/01/2013 19:51

I love Watching the English. I lent my copy to somebody and I can't remember who. Bastards, whoever they are.

OP posts:
TheWombat · 16/01/2013 19:50

Oh ffs. Centre parcs

TheWombat · 16/01/2013 19:49

You are going on a centre parts holiday. What will the neighbours think (in no fewer than 200 words)?

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/01/2013 19:49

Mug: Milk before or after tea is poured?
Jacket potato: Grated cheese on top of beans or vice versa?

On which occasions is it permissible to
A. Steal a chip
B. Cop a feel
C. Poo in a householder's loo?
D. Bring an Iceland pudding to a festive meal at someone else's house?
E. Use your spare set of keys to enter your inlaw's dwelling place?

TheWombat · 16/01/2013 19:47

'The loo brush is an essential component of any British bathroom.'

Critically discuss, illustrating your answer with examples of British bathrooms from your own experience, or from historical,, fictional or media accounts.

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/01/2013 19:42

A friend suggests you go clubbing on Friday night. You decline because you know you will be too

Knackered
Battered
Lagered
Having marital back door relations

TrucksAndDinosaurs · 16/01/2013 19:37

A excellent and high,y amusing book for thread contributors: Watching the English - the Hidden Rules of English Behaviour by Kate Fox.

Link here

nickelbabe · 16/01/2013 19:31

someone bangs into you in the street. what is the correct thing to do?
a) tell the person they banged into you.

b) get annoyed

c) apologise

Nancy66 · 16/01/2013 19:28

In what year was the anal sex law (for heterosexuals) repealed?

LineRunner · 16/01/2013 19:26

Complete the TV catch phrase "nice to see you...."

... "I'm a gurning, juddering shit on legs"?

cocolepew · 16/01/2013 19:23

Friday night is
a. Family night
b. Drinking night
C. Prayer night
d. Bumsex night

InMySpareTime · 16/01/2013 19:21

What is a biccie?
What is a brolly?
What is TOWIE?
Complete the TV catch phrase "nice to see you...."

InMySpareTime · 16/01/2013 19:18

If there is only one 20-minute rain shower all day, what time will it be?
A) 6am when you're in bed
B) 10.30am when you're indoors
C) 3.25pm when you're waiting at the school gates.

OpenMouthInsertCake · 16/01/2013 19:15

Read this sentence aloud:

The explorer decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

FellatioNels0n · 16/01/2013 19:13

Fried eggs, bacon, fried bread, mushrooms, baked beans, sausage and --

is the missing ingredient

a) carrots

b) sour cream

c) maple syrup

d) HP sauce

e) ketchup

Alert! This is a trick question designed to sort the wheat from the chaff.

Dollydowser · 16/01/2013 19:12

What's the difference between a napkin and a serviette?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/01/2013 19:10

MamaMary

Is 'Britishness' SO tied up with class issues?

This could be one of the questions.

And yes, Class is a major issue in this country and laughing at it is a good thing in my book.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 16/01/2013 19:08

PART A
A Public School is

a) a Government funded school that anyone can go to
b) one of 9 (later 10) very very expensive private schools
c) any private school

PART B
Is it possible to answer this question without upsetting someone somewhere?

FellatioNels0n · 16/01/2013 19:04

You are standing in the middle of the street in minus temperatures at 2am in January in either Newcastle, Cardiff or Leeds.

Are you:

Wearing salopettes, a woolly hat and clutching skis?

Wearing hiking boots, a rucksack and clutching a map?

Wearing a nun's habit, a celice, and clutching a bible?

Wearing a mini dress with sick on it, bare legs, no coat, and clutching a kebab and a blue WKD?

LineRunner · 16/01/2013 19:02

Which TWO of the following statements are true?

The British eat horses

The British do not eat horses

The British do eat horses but just don't know they're doing it

MamaMary · 16/01/2013 18:59

The weather ones are good though Grin

MamaMary · 16/01/2013 18:59

I'm very Shock to see how many of these relate to class.

Is 'Britishness' SO tied up with class issues?

Must be. Bit :( reading these, not funny at all.