Given that most of us failed the on-line British Citizen test, let's make up our own questions about what it's like to be British?

Is it acceptable to have gravy with your chips?

a) Yes. But only if the chips are served with a meat product.

b) Yes. But only if the chips are served with nothing else.

c) Yes. With anything. But only if you're from the north.

d) No. Never.

NameGotLost

You need option e), for folk who live in Oxford:

e) kick up a fuss in the store leading to police being called on suspicion of a breach of the peace.

In which of the following scenarios is it alright to hug a complete stranger?
a) when they are upset and crying
b) when making their acquaintance
c) when very very drunk

London is:

a) the beating heart of our beautiful country, full of cultural and economic opportunities for all
b) a haven for the bastard bankers who are destroying the rest of the country
c) full of fucking hipsters with beards and glasses who do thousands of pointless MAs on Daddy's credit card while snorting up vast amounts of ketamine
d) a place where you can't get a chip butty but you can go and see almost any musical you choose
e) all of the above

You are at a self-service checkout till.

The machine announces "Unexpected item in bagging area." Do you:

(a) Seek assistance from a member of staff
(b) Apologise to the screen
(c) Attempt to resolve the issue yourself
(d) Curl into the foetal position and cry?

Part 1

If you go to someone's house for tea, what do you expect to be served?

A cup of tea
Tea, cakes, sandwiches, scones, cream and jam
pie and chips, shepherd's pie or similar
Any of the above depending on where in the country the host comes from

Follow up discussion questions
Tea or milk first?
Are tea bags in the cup acceptable or must one use a teapot?
Jam or cream on the scones first?
What penalty should be applied for anyone using canned squirty cream instead of clotted cream?

Part 2

What is supper?

A gathering at someone?s house with several other guests. A a naice 3 course meal will be served with lots of wine. People will talk about house prices, schools, politics etc
Milk and cookies before bed. Generally only had by children.

To all smokers from the rest of Europe, where is it acceptable to smoke:
In a pub
In a restaurant
On the bus
In a cafe
Next to non smokers
In fact anywhere but outside.

For the shoot you need the top 3. Obv a trick question. But we should have our own MN shoot where we take all of them IMVHO. Let's ask OliviaMumsnet and HelenMumsnet to be referees.

Your HMV vouchers will not be honoured.
Do you:

a) Write an e-mail of complain to the Manager?

b) Find out where the MD lives and go round there?

c) Go to your nearest HMV, pick up items to value of vouchers, leave vouchers on counter then walk out?

d) Throw vouchers in the bin and cry?

Argh! Fat fingers posted too soon!

...e) She brilliantly handled her child's very public tantrum leaving her somewhat embarrassed and in need of an encouraging smile

It is acceptable to pass comment on a stranger's parenting choices if:
a) She is breast feeding in public

b) she is formula feeding in public

c) she is not doing it the way you did it in your day, therefore you know better because "I have had children of my own, you know"

d) She is not doing it the way you did in your day, and although all experts agree that the modern way is better, you know better because "it never did us any harm"

e) She has brilliantly handled her child's very public tantrum, allowing her to walk away with her to

Which of the following is responsible for the "destruction of the traditional British High Street":
a) evil national chains opening stores, turning High Streets into identikits with no character
b) well loved national chains going into administration and closing stores
c) both of the above

For Fell's shoot one, personally I would take a combination of b and e and have a freaking awesome time.

are you a Good Foreigner or a Bad Forriner*?

*South African, Australian, American, Polish Plumber
** See Daily Mail for guidance

If you are invited to someones house, what time would you arrive for
Lunch
Dinner
Tea
Supper?

Which is the correct response when you are offered a complement by an acquaintance:

a) smile graciously and say 'thank you'
b) smile and say ' I know I have always thought so'
c) stammer awkwardly and mutter something non-committal
d) ignore the comment completely and talk about the weather instead.

Geography

Is Britain part of Europe?
Does Britain think it is part of Europe?
Does Britain want to be part of Europe?

Express as a percentage (with 0% being not at all and 100% being totally and utterly) how pissed off a Welsh or Scottish person will be at being described as English.

Where is the Calcutta Cup played? Which countries are involved?

Someone cuts you up on the motorway, do you

a) flip the bastard off

b) forget about it. Live and let live.

c) spend all day silently seething then take it out on your family when you get back home

d) bang on about it for the next week and bring it up whenever you travel on the motorway driver/passenger for the next 20 years.

Explain in 5000 words or less what exactly is a mum boot.

You are invited to dinner at a large house.
It transpires that some of the guests have been invited to spend the entire weekend there.

Do you
a) Think "I'm glad I live so handily for such awsome repasts, I'm happy to ensure that there will not be thirteen at table and I shan't have to do any washing up on the staffs' night off"
b) Sulk because you were clearly an afterthought. But go anyway
c) Start a thread in AIBU about how everyone at houseparties should be asked to stay overnight because otherwise it's not fair innit?

A person walks into a shop and purchases a star bar, flamin hot moster munch, an um bongo, 10 sterling superking and a lucky dip scratch card.

Which newspaper does this person chose?

a)the mail
b)financial times
c)the star
d)guardian
d)this person cannot read.

What is this person wearing?

a)a selection of different sportswear ie, adidas nike, gola and reebok
b)a barbor jacket with riding boots and a neckercheif
c)a onesie

What are this persons plans for the rest of the day?

a)sit in front of the tv watching jezza kyle, then completing the next level on call of duty.
b)going to brunch with old friends then off to selfridges for a spot of retail therapy.
c)back to bed

What is this person having for dinner?
a)pot noodle
b)duck confit with brocoli rabe
c)the monster munch and star bar

You are invited to attend a 'shoot' on Boxing Day at the posh neighbours in 'The Big House', with all the land.

Do you take:

A bottle of wine and a bunch of flowers

A camera and some cocaine

A shotgun, a labrador and a hipflask

Clothing suitable for paint balling

A kalashnikov and a flame thrower.

Explain using 20 words or less the connection between Stella in Corrie and Whitnaaaaaay in East Enders.

*You may employ venn diagrams and flow charts.

True or false

If you met someone at a social event and they asked you if you wanted to "to see their etchings?" they are inviting you to an art exhibition.

Lambrini is a vintage wine suitable as a gift to take to a dinner party.

In no more than 100 words, please explain how much Peter Andre loves his kids.

You have an hour to yourself after getting the kids off to school. Do you:

Search the internet for a suitable prayer breakfast to attend.
Wash your front doorstep down to impress the neighbours.
Slump in front of breakfast TV with a cup of tea and a secret fag.