Care to join me in my "Great TV shows they should make, but won't" thread? I'll start.

Top Gear

James May is parachuted into west side LA and has 48hrs to sell 3 kilos of cocaine. Will he cut it with talc to maximise his profits? Gloria Hunniford does the voice over.

CSI: Balamory

PC Plum has to stop dicking about with wildlife after he receives a call about a double homicide.

Week 2 in the Reid Closet.

Peter Andre is put in the closet with Reid. The closet is so bright due to the glow they both let off it is impossible to see them

what he wears when he thinks the camera isn't on

At the end of the six week run, Alex discovers that the closet wasn't even locked - he could have just opened the door at any time.

The moment of realisation

Turn in next week to see talc

It would be a 6 week half hour slot about Alex been stuck in the closet. People can vote in and decide how many air holes to cover and what to put in the closet with him

SP - did Alex Reid ever get out of the closet?

I like the Scotland Yard idea, Psamm - definitely real crims, though. Lots of helicopter infra-red cameras - and chaps hiding in wheelie bins and skips etc.

I came on to post that they should make Georgette Heyer into a series too! Maybe we can start a Mumsnet petition!

You crack me up, Talc.

My suggestion is serious

You know that game, Scotland Yard, with the big map of London and searching for the criminal? That, in actual London. Maybe not with actual crims, though. There would be a team of detectives linked up by iPhone or whatever, and a lone criminal.

Epicdary.

Alex Reid in Stuck In The Closet

Come Be Nude With Me starring Tom Hardy who comes to your house and is naked the whole time. I'd watch that. I'd enter to be on it

MTV Crabs - Famous rappers show you their gold-plated crotch nits.

One Is Royal - Get One Ite Of Hyar - A full-scale replica of Buck Pal is built in the Amazonian Rain Forest. The entire royal family, including hangers-on, is incarcerated there for the duration, with full staff and facilities.
Week Three: HM finally realises that she is not in London any more. Phil is sent out to have a 'sensitive' chat with the local Yawalapiti people - and is lucky to escape with his life. The Duchess of Cornwall is selected by viewers for the Bush Tucker trial; she has to eat game terrine and smoked trout that has not come from Fortnum's.

Hairstyles of the Rich and Famous - A fascinating look at some of the more ridiculous and ill-conceived barnet choices of slebs around the world.
Episode 6: Donald Trump attempts to explain what exactly is going on 'up there' - and why he doesn't think he looks like a twat, when everyone else does.

Tanorama - a topical show debating how orange can one really go. Caution - visors or welding masks may be required for viewing episodes featuring our favourite Klaxon one.

Glandstand - explicit all-nude version of the popular Saturday afternoon sports programme. Parental advisory - contains scenes of naked horses racing and Gary Lineker.

In The Fight Garden - Cute fluffy characters, with a penchant for farting, knock ten bells of shit out of each other in a leafy wood somewhere for the enjoyment of kiddies. First rule of Fight Garden is you do not talk about Fight Garden.

Celebrity Chef Come Dine With Me. Does what it says in the title.

999: What's your leggings emergency? A crack team of fashion police answer 999 calls from the public who spot women wearing see-through leggings with not much else on. The FP then swoop in, advise the leggings wearer then force them into an arse and camel toe coverer.

I did think of that - perhaps there could be a late night version with a selection of hammers and mallets.

Sorry Eammon, your gaffes and jokes amuse me really.

Smelly - why oh why does the hammer have to be made of foam?

I'd much prefer to see repeated, forceful use of a meat tenderiser.

Peace and love, man

Holmes Under The Hammer - a mallet's mallet style game where Eammon Holmes is hit repeatedly with an over sized foam hammer - well, it would be screened during the day - whenever contestants get the answers wrong.

The American version would be glitzier with Katie Holmes obvs

Newsfight and Oh, it's you have made me howl. :o

Barrow-In-Furness's Next Top Model - Shannon from The Cod Piece fish and chip shop goes head-to-head in a photo shoot-off with Sandra from the library. They pose in an alluring selection of kagoules and pac-a-macs from Millets, before having to display their catwalk action in front of the panel of judges, headed by Les Dennis.

Vague Touch-Up, Home Edition - Ty Pennington and a lazy shower of incompetent painters and decorators surprise a deserving family with a bit of minor home maintenance.
Episode 97: - The Clunge family from South Carolina have the barge-boarding sanded on their dilapidated bungalow. The team then can't be arsed to come back and paint the prepared surface, preferring to sit outside a local bar with a beer and a tin of roll-ups. Ty leads the hysterically screaming family through their unchanged home while lots of emotional tinkly music plays.

Nicotine Patch of the Day - The highs and lows as 2nd Division football managers try to give up smoking.

Baldy Shores think Geordie Shores but with trampy, orange over 40's

Pop Idle - Pop reality show rejects sit by the telephone, waiting for the telephone call that might secure them a day's work entertaining shoppers at Festival Place Shopping Centre in Basingstoke. When not on phone vigil, the wannabe popsters settle down, with a glass of Tizer, in front of CBeebies for a back-to-back Balamory-a-thon. They check their reflections in a hand mirror up to seventy times an hour.

Oh, It's You - Low budget version of Surprise Surprise. Unsuspected members of the public are reunited with people they had a brief chat with in the GP's waiting room the previous week. The final denouement includes a grandmother who hasn't seen Edie from the W.I. for over a fortnight, since having her varicose veins stripped under Dr Shadid at the Royal. Emotions run lukewarm, as they don't like each other much really.

Is it wrong that I really want to see most of these go into production?