Care to join me in my "Great TV shows they should make, but won't" thread? I'll start.

Homeland Under the Hammer - an increasingly frantic Claire Danes attempts to buy and renovate property at auction before some ginger bloke in a suicide vest blows it up.

Dixon Of Dock Green Green Grass Of Home. A mild mannered old fashioned copper nicks Boycie for crimes against Shropshire. And comedy.

You've been flamed made me laugh out loud!

Wife Swap Presented by Boris Johnson.
Boris shows he's not above getting involved himself.

masterchef with Hannabal Lecter.
The contestants are whittled down, and washed down with a nice Cianti.

Blue Peter Andre
Peter shows us how he makes kids 'ozzie style'.

the Magic Roundabout
Dougal's LSD stash is discovered to have contaminated the water supply since episode 1 and it's revealed to be a show about grey accountants from Surbiton.

Inspector Coarse - a foul-mouthed detective solves murders in the historical university city of Cambridge.

Baywatch UK - it's Baywatch as you've never seen it before. Based in Whitby Bay.

You've been flamed Survivors of AIBU talk candidly about their experiences.

Episode 1243 A newbie explains her first encounter with worra and scottishmummy.

Life in Spars Gene Hunt gets a job in stacking shelves in a convenience store.

In the follow-up series Rashes to Rashes, he moves on to work in a pharmacy.

A Place In The Sun - annoying estate agents get sent to the sun. Forever.

scratch of the day a group of elderly people wearing baggy underwear sit on a sofa while scratching themselves, grumbling, drinking tea and eating biscuits.

Bra Wars - Rival gangs of huge-breasted amazonian women fight it out on the streets of a housing estate - using only their foundation garments as slingshots, plus a selection of gourd and cantaloupe ammunition. Narrated by Sir Ian McKellen. ^(Available in HD and 3D - subtitled)

Judge Doody - Criminal proceedings and petty spats are presided over by a giant turd wearing a horse-hair wig and propped up in a large wing chair. In over 300 editions of this popular daytime show, a judgement is yet to be made by the oversized stool - due to it having no powers of speech or rational thought. (Repeated at 2230, after Two and a Half Shits)

The Crystal Haze, contestants on crystal meth compete.

One Man and His Bog slebs talk us through their lavatorial decor,reading habits and rituals

Blue Peter celebrities reveal their home sex movies

Downton Out the cast of Downton Abbey sleep rough in hedges and eat out of bins.

I'm a nonentity, can I stay here? - while the celebs fight it out in the jungle ordinary people compete to stay in the celebs' houses.

Bargain Hunt in the dark - first task is for contestants to identify their expert by touch alone - how do you tell one tubby, tweedy antiques expert from another?

Dongs of Praise celebrity stud muffins get their cocks out

Trumpton - The stop-frame animation town lives up to its name, as Dr Mopp has to attend the scene or a near-fatal immolation. Fireman Grub has lit one of his farts - flames have shot across the fire station lounge area and set the nylon curtains ablaze. Pugh, Pugh, Barney McGrew, Cuthbert and Dibble rush Grub to Trumpton General in an agonisingly low-speed emergency dash through the sleepy cardboard streets. Proceedings are brought to a halt, as Mrs Lovelace crosses the road outside the town hall with her three Pekinese pooches. Cert U.

Newsfight, Grand Resigns. Brilliant! Nearly woke DD up from her milky bliss with my cackling.

The Rex Factor Members of the Royal Family compete to be Britain's next monarch.

I'm on Jeremy Kyle, get me out of here: with added audience votes- should she leave him/ have the sex change/ sell her children? You decide!

The credit goes to Reeves and Mortimer,but I can't help thinking of 'International Pan Fighting' and 'Poldark on Mopeds'.

Hoodies Emergency Room

A gang of steet yoot are given the opportunity to learn how to be medical professionals....watch as Chardonnay performs drastic brain surgery with a flick knife and Col' gets to deliver a breech baby using only his teeth and a firework.

Midsomer Turders - In the sleepy village of Midsomer, the search is on for the identity of a mysterious shitter.

Six Feet Udder - Drama about the world's largest cow.

Bargain Hund - Alsatians compete against Weimaraners to buy antiques cheaply.

Return To River Cottaging - Homosexual bargemen give a whole new meaning to cruising. Series II.

Han About The House - Hilarious 70s sitcom featuring Intergalactic Space Pilot Han Solo, who has moved in with two buck-toothed peroxide blondes in push-up bras and white plastic platform boots.
Episode 7: Landlords George and Mildred Roper spy on Han, as they suspect he may be part of a Rebel plot to overthrow the Empire. They attempt to have him evicted from the flat for keeping a pet - but Han tries to explain that Chewy is actually his lover. Chrissy and Jo find an amusing new use for a light sabre.

Emmerdale Nights - Late-night, adult-themed spin-off of the favourite agricultural soap.
This week: Amos Brierley goes twos-up with Mr Wilks on Annie Sugden under a tarpaulin in the top field. A few sheep, chewing, look on with mild disinterest. The Woolpack is closed by Trading Standards officers, when it is discovered that the Bishop's Nipple Ale actually contains Rohypnol in significant quantities - which could be behind the recent spate of abductions of middle-aged men.

Takeshi's Arsehole - Bizzare Japanese game show. Contestants face a variety of scatalogical challenges, including: 10 Gallon Coffee Enema 100m Dash; How Many Brussel Sprouts?; Amateur Haemorrhoidectomy With Plastic Cutlery and the legendary Pineapple Challenge. Viewer discretion is advised.