Care to join me in my "Great TV shows they should make, but won't" thread? I'll start.

Ooh yes - you're right, Bella.

They could be marketed as a twin BluRay gift pack for your favourite uncle at Christmas, who enjoys a bit of profanity and low-quality pugilism.

I can actually see the trailers on Channel 5 - fast, flicking film clips, to capture those of a short attention span. Big, brash musical score - lots of drumming and explosions, while angry faces snarl and lots of slo-mo finger-jabbing.

Ternight, on Channel 5...

It'll Be All Whites On The Night BBC2 in depth look at the history of the meringue.

Ooh Talc, that could be a sister show of my Call The Fishwife.
Thinking longevity and franchising opportunities.

It's A Knock-Out! - Nope, not the jolly team game show featuring Eddie 'Up and Under' Waring and Stuart Hall asphyxiating - but a whole new concept in ultra-low-budget satellite broadcasting.

Each week night, live from the city streets at chucking-out time, graphic and exciting coverage of the pathetic attempts at bare-knuckled scuffling between inebriated pub punters with an alcohol-fuelled axe to grind. Laugh at their woefully poorly aimed swipes and punches; groan as they miss the edge of the pavement and stumble into parked taxis; cheer as the Old Bill turn up and start loading the detritus up into the back of the van.

Week 9 - Bolton; Gary's girlfriend has chucked him, so he decides to get completely ring-bolted to drown his sorrows. At closing time at the Mucky Duck, Gary thinks that that bloke over there by the fruit machine is looking at him funny - and does he want to step outside to make something of it? Follow Gary's progression from him falling down the steps outside the pub, through A&E as they struggle to contain him on the trolley while he hurls into a cardboard dish - right through to his appearance at the Magistrates' Court, where he is given 120 community service for Public Affray. In HD - subtitled for enhanced swearing

Yeastenders Long-running soap about a group of Londoners with thrush.

Foo Hospital Channel 4 series where Pixie McKenna tells a selection of viewers' minges that they'd be healthier if only they ate more endamame beans. The minges' consultations take place in a very large modern house clearly not lived in by Pixie, then we see 'after' footage of carefree minges skipping along a windy beach walking dogs and laughing gaily.

Jake Gyllenhaal naked.

That's the whole show. He may do flexing at some points.

Universally Challenged
A group of chavs in their twenties attempt to pass the 11 plus exam, coached by Amy Childs and Mark Wright.

Yus - Classics!

If I do go for the DG of the BBC, this thread is my fecking CV - I shit you not.

I'm loving You've been Flamed

Genius!

Mr Bloom's Nursery

A fly on the wall docudrama following the trials and tribulations of a gangly but strangely attractive childcare provider. Episode 9: Will Mr Bloom shut up shop following continuing sexual harassment from mothers at pick-up time? Who's been making ratatouille? And just where has Sebastian the aubergine gone?

Justin's House

A chance for nosy people to discover exactly what goes on behind the doors of homes owned by people called Justin. This week: Justin Timberlake lets the cameras in so we can all bitch about his taste for twigs 'n pebbly shite. Next week, Justin Bieber shows us his feature wall and brown leather DFS sofas. You can still catch previous episodes featuring Justin Fletcher's actual house (a bare, minimalist cube with no colours at all and certainly no fucking polka dots anywhere, oh no) and, erm, some ruins reputedly loosely connected with the Roman emperor Justinian. And that's about it, really. Is more a mini-series.

they ought to do life on mars/ashes to ashes with the Gene Genie arriving in 2012

How I Met Your Brother a rather dull "bumping into someone in a supermarket in reverse" story, about how various people bumped into random acquaintances in supermarkets, recounted in a pub over a nice pint.

Extreme Fishing With Robson Green Robson Green goes fishing. Oh, hang on...

Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad

Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad Extra

Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad Spun out to unbelievable lengths of banality and job creation for talentless has-beens

Junior Strictly Antique Cakes Makeover Surprise Pet Tango Challenge Celebrity Deformity Goes Bad

My Baby Ate my Breast Milk!

What's my resignation Reason? - BBC Unreality Show

We made it to Classics! Hooray!

Upstairs Downstairs

Not the Edwardian drama based on class divisions, but an extended advert for Stannah Stairlifts.

The Big Bang Theory

Brian Cox, Patrick Moore and Brian May live across the hall from, oh, I don't know, Fearne bloody Cotton, and spend the evening trying to explain the whole of physics to her. Brian Cox looks all toothy and awed and says things like "The universe! It's fucking amazing!" while Brian May and Patrick Moore jam in the back and all Fearne is things like "Ooh, random!" at the most inappropriate moments.

SPRINGWATCH: Live from sofa's and beds across the land, live outside broadcasts featuring the best of british springs and what happens to them during the programme.

ONE MAN AND HIS LOG: Severely constipated people tell tales of horrific experiences from their own past of triumph over tragedy.

Follow up series for a more niche market audience.

ONE BORN EVERY MONTH: Women recount how they overcome consitpation during pregnancy and post childbirth. WARNING this programme contains bad language and scenes of violent explosions from the start

Put 'Em in the Stocks a hilarious cross between the Jeremy Kyle show and old Medieval England, whereby the days victims guests get their chance to have a dna/lie detector test. Except before the results are read out, they are place in stocks, and instead of booing, the audience are invited to throw rotten cabbages and tomatoes at them (upcycling unwanted food, very green and thus bringing down the carbon foot print of the show). When it turns out someone lied, the audience is then allowed to watch as the guest is tarred and feathered. Could be presented by David Cameron

Mock the Weak..
A series where Ian Duncan smith and a bunch of his mates, line up people claiming benefits and throw pate fois gras, caviar and shower them with champagne. Last man standing gets to keep his DLA.

TessOfTheBaublevilles amazing

Everybody Hates Liz - sitcom about the life of a bitter and catty newspaper columnist called Liz Bones . Every week, watch as Liz spouts her bile and upsets many, all while thinking she is a serious journalist.