50 Shades of Mumsnet. A collaborative book.

There was a parcel waiting. Beverly bit her lip, and opened it. Inside was a leather strap assembly, with some man-plums attached to it. Love From MN, the card said.

crying with laughter

They flew back in his helicopter, parked it on a double yellow and dashed back into the Great Green Room of Fuckery.
In the Great Green Room
There was a telephone
and a red balloon
And a picture...

Bernard was trying to get a nurse to give him a uniform he could take home for Beverly to wear when she was giving him his enema.

The nurse kneed him in the gonads.

Beverly couldnt understand ut. He was so beautiful and manly. Why wss the nurse being like this.

Then the penny dropped. She was probably a lesbian. She idely wondered if she knew Tracey.

Bernard growled in approval at her moistness "I love how you're always so wet for me baby"

"Oh actually I just pissed myself slightly at a mumsnet thread" said Bev

I have just almost choked to death! 'He's remembered the crisps this time'!

He quite liked it and wished the penguin would bite his arse again. If only he spoke penguin.

The Penguin bit Bernard's arse

Bernard throbbed over the nurse groaning.

Bernard was removed from the hose. However whilst being x-rayed , the a&e staff found half a dozen " toys" , a set of handcuffs , a spare mobile phone , and assorted vegetables and one very distressed penguin .
Bev bit her lip .

Bev folded the table and climbed out of Bernards magnificent trouser tent to sit on a chair in the waiting room

Bev wondered why there even was a camping table in a&e . So she bit her lip .

Bev extracted her mooncup and the toilet brush from the dishwasher and suggested to Bernard that the best was yet to be.

'You're mine. All mine', he said as he ever-so-erotically brushed his fingers over her sex. 'Yes, I am' Beverley gasped as Bernard pulled her plait. Her inner goddess gave her a thumbs up - 'hair pulling is a soft limit, go for it'. Beverley starting rising higher and higher. 'Let go' Bernard commanded and she exploded into tiny fragments all over the camping table.

Be's subconscious looked up from her mills and boon "he only wants you to be shis skivvy"she snarled sarcastically . Oh vfuck off yelled bev. I like servicing my ginger wounded prince

Bev phoned NHs direct on advice about weenies stuck in Hoover hoses .

At casualty , the triag nurse said ,in a knowing tone, hello Bernard , are you in again with milk bottle trouble ?

Slick with wetness Beverly moved towards Bernard. Purposely wuth a purpose. Then disaster! She slipped on her own wetness! The combination of her womanly wanton wetness and the real oak floors caused her to fall and hurt her wrist.

"Ouch ouch take me to a&e" she sobbed.

"Could you not just phone NHS direct" Bernard said cruelly while extracting his weenie from the hose.

Obviously dyson was shit and just stood there .

Bernard and bev and Henry had a 3-some .housework got intresting

"Do you know how to gut a fish?" Bernard Bellowed. "I knew a girl once, verity, she knew how to handle a fish and a man in homer simpson pjs".

"You have a lot to live up too"

"Do you think you're up to it?" he glinted with his glisteny eyes.

With disappointment, she realised it was only a Dyson, and not the Miele she was hoping for. With all his millions, Bernard had nevertheless failed to read the mumsnet reviews

He suddenly remembered the vacuum cleaner - it had a better sucking action than Beverly.
He ran back to Beverly and grapped the hoover right out of her hand. Beverly gasped at the way he held the hose. She was so wet, she wanted him so badly, she wanted to feel the suction of the vacuum cleaner against her body.

Bernard retrieved the turbot . It smelt super fishey after where it had spent the last few hours .

Bev eyed the fish slice suspiciously. 'What are you planning on doing with that?' she asked with a tremor to her voice, about a 3.4 on the Richter scale.

Walking through to the kitchen , he eyed the egg whisk , the spud masher and the slotted spoon . His manly hand caressed the kitchen aid , and thought if only I had a motor like this kitchen aid , I could go all night and whip some cream in not time hands free ,

Wandering off to find bev , he took the fish slice

Whilst Bev was busy with the Henry, Bernard was plotting fiendishly in his home office. He was aware that Beverly seemed to be going of the boil. Much like the spuds. He steepled his manly fingers, with their manly manicure together and pondered ponderously. He closed his manly grey eyes with his long fluttery, but manly, lashes. And wondered what he could do to keep Beverly interested.