I pooed on my skirt at work today

Can't stop laughing

I've just read a couple of these to DP, he's wetting himself laughing (not literally ladies )

I haven't owned up to my own story though - do I read it to him and pretend its someone elses?

My gorgeous new baby DD was having a bare bum kickabout on the changing mat just as DH was coming in from work.
To add to her naked gorgeousness I tied a big ribbon (from the bouquet of flowers he bought me following her birth) to her ankle before opening the door to him.
When my back was turned she had a huge watery shit and her little kicking legs used the ribbon as a giant paintbrush!
She was covered from head to foot as well as a wide area of the floor around the mat! His face was a picture!

OMG, have had to read this thread over 2 days cos I keep laughing so hard I can't breathe and have to have a little rest from it.

staring intently in M&S and i'm so sorry Alan were person favourites.

Anyway just remembered my own hideous poo story. We had a (really gorgeous) plummer round to fit some new taps in our bathroom. Just after he arrived I realised I needed a poo, but couldn't go as the plummer was in the bathroom (with our only toilet). I thought he'd only be a little while so I waited while he did the work. Unfortunately it was quite a difficult job and it took ages. I was getting cramps and starting to panic a bit. I didn't want to ask him if I could just pop in cos I didn't want the smell to be lingering around while he worked (slightly silly I know).
Anyway it turned out he needed some kind of special washer or something and had to nip to a supplier to get it. Brilliant I thought, I can pop in now - I was pretty desperate by this point. As soon as he left I went straight in and did the most enormous log of a poo I've ever see in my life. Went to flush the loo but realised he'd (obviously) turned the water off! Couldn't turn it back on cos the taps were still off the basin and wasn't sure if water would go everywhere. He had told me he was going to turn the water off and i'd filled the kettle earlier so i could still make tea while he worked. I rushed downstairs and grabbed the kettle full of water and tried to use it to flush the monster poo down. Nothing. Just wasted all my tea water.Was starting to really panic cos this thing stank! I ended up having to don disposable gloves and fish the bloody thing out of the loo, bung it in one of DS's nappy bags and put it in the wheelie bin outside. Managed to do it just as plummer got back. Stupidly I realised later that in my haste I'd left the kettle on the bathroom windowsill above the loo. God knows what he thought

Oh cupofbrown straight into the clothes I was trying on........ white trousers no less
I did purchase them....... never wore them due to the unfortunate stains

"a cluster of clits"
"rears are streaming"

I have my period atm and IBS and so afraid to laugh as much as I want at this thread for fear of any of the above happening!

Laughing at 'poo rules' ...

I have laughed so much at this thread!

None so much as when OH asked me why I was laughing and I said 'I am so sorry Alan'. The had to explain as was creasing up so much!

*Yes, his name is Alan!

I have literally cried laughing at this thread, particularly the unintentional typos!

To share a couple of my own horrors (having namechanged of course!):

Third first date with hot guy, we end up in bed, shagging enthusiastically.

I had started a period about 3 days previously. My periods are a bit mad, often very heavy but can last anything from 4 to 14 days. This time it had finished the morning of the date. Or so I thought...(you can see where this is going can't you)

While we were having sex, I did think it felt wet down there, but as it had been a while I assumed I'd just forgotten what was normal

In fact I had bled copiously. Everywhere. We were both covered from the waist down, my bed looked like a crime scene.

All credit to him, he was entirely unfazed (though I was mortified) and claimed it was a massive turn on and went down on me to prove it. Then we both had a shower, changed the bed and did it again - with much the same outcome.

One that happened to me only this week:

We have a loo at work with 4 cubicles. I normally avoid one of them because the loo in it is a bit dodgy and doesn't always flush properly. A few days ago I went racing in there rather desperate for a poo. All the other cubicles were occupied except the dodgy one, so had to go in. Poo done - thankfully without noise or significant odour - I flush.

The bowl fills. Water comes up to the brim, and then subsides.

Poo has not moved.

I flush again. And again. And again. And the fucker does not move an inch. I start to think I'm going to have to put my hand in and fish it out, or cover it with loo paper and sneak out.

In the end, after 10 flushes it finally retreated.

I used to work in a nursing home. One lovely old man who lived there & had dementia had completely forgotten all the poo rules.
One morning he came walking along the corridor with his zimmer frame, trousers & pants around his ankles, everything on show, with a trail of (fortunately very well formed) poos trailing behind him and another one on it's way out.
On another occasion he walked along carrying a special gift in his outstretched hand, but had managed to re-dress himself apart from buckling his belt.
And one day a poo just exited from the bottom of his trouser leg as he walked along.

"A changing room in Top Shop"

Into a bag or just on the floor?

poor you

I will never tie my jumper/coat around my waist again just incase a mnetter passes and thinks I've shit myself.

I have crohns disease and have pooed in the following........
A nappy
A trainer in the car
By the side of the motorway........ lorries going past lots of beeping........
a carrier bag
A changing room in Top Shop
A garage forecourt

Have had numerous accidents too and it is rancid and loose [sorry for TMI]

I have no poo shame :}

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

This cannot go in classics.

I could tell you lots of poo stories my friends and I had from our teen years - we all met at a teen eating disorder support group and it quickly turned in to an eating disorder encouragement group who met outside therapy and took laxatives and discussed vomiting tips. Lets just say taking 10x the recommended dose of dulcolax almost daily and trying to hide it from your family is very difficult!!

the cube of poo thread and Ellaroo's river of sweetcorn

Rather a lot of beer is making me share this......I have two incidents.

(1) young teenage me, on my period, at a friends house. For some reason, I had either been told to, or didn't know not to, rip a used sanitary towel in half and flush it down the loo (don't worry, I realised pretty quick that it was not the correct way to dispose of them). Well, this day, I ripped a used towel, flushed it down friends loo, went off to do whatever. Cue friends mum coming in to asked if one of us had spilt red pen over her bathroom rug? I said nothing. In hindsight, years later, I think how stupid of friend's mother to think it was red ink? Common sense would have made her realise what it was, and either speak to us about it or clean up and never mention it.

(2) at an old job, I instructed outdoor pursuits, and had a group who I had taken to the Rifle's Shed for a lesson on shooting. By the end of the hour and a half, I was desperate for a wee, and the nearest loos were a good ten min walk away. Well, I think the teacher must have thought I was a nutcase as I practically chased her and her students out of the shed with the aim of racing for the nearest loos. By the time they had all gone, I realised I wouldn't be able to make it and thought "well, when in need" and moved to the back of the shed where there were a stack of hay bales etc, thinking I'll crouch down and pee behind those. I couldn;t get my trousers off in time, and ended up peeing myself . Thankfully (arf) it was raining really heavy outside, so I took off my fleece, tied it round mmy waist and rolled up my trousers, cropped style and practically ran back to my room to change, thankful that I was soaked from head to foot in rain so was able to hide my embarrassment.

Phew....gkad to get that off my chest.

Fussbucket - the weirdest thing was when we got to playgroup...
"you'll never guess what happened to us this morning..."
recounted the yukky story.
Slightly prim and proper uber mum type "ohmygoodness, what did the hospital say?"

Aye, right. Like you'd go to a+e with a story of "I've let my kid eat crap"
"well, cut down on sugary snacks and drinks, try to get five a day..."
"no, no, no, you don't understand, I've let my kid eat an ACTUAL crap!"

I'm not a great mum, that much is clear, but I'm not an idiot.

Sheesh, what did the hospital say? Muppet.

my friend & I were on a sponsored walk, about halfway around & in the woods my friend developed stomach cramps & suddenly had to go! She dived in to a big bush thing & did the business while i stood patiently at the side of the bush.
All the other walkers came past giving me a cheerful "hello" when all i could hear was my friend groaning about no loo roll in the bush behind me.

Mumsnet classics. hpurs of entertainment on a soggy day.

OMG mybabyweight!

Yep, what's classics, and where do we find them?

I'll make you tell me by sharing my poo story...

Taking kids to outdoor park place, to show I'm a great mum. You know, the sort of place where there are good sticks to find, stones to chuck in streams. Nice place to take your dog for a walk.

DD(3) falls off a log, brains herself. Blood everywhere, hysterics. I'm mopping her up with my solitary wet wipe, DS (18 months) ignoring the racket, wandering around with a pine cone.

Wasn't until he bit the pinecone that we realised that it was, in fact, a very large, very firm, dog jobbie.

DD in hysterics again, "mum, mum, it's in his teeth!" And, I had no more wet wipes.

Bluuurrrrrgggggh. Fucking dogs.

Once in a while, the Goddesses of MNHQ decide that something in Chat is just too wonderful to allow to disappear due to the 90 day rule, and save it for evermore in a special place called Classic Threads. Which I once found by accident and spent a whole afternoon of my life (which I will never get back) PMSL in.

I feel the need to clarify that there are loos in m&s Salisbury

What are classics?