I pooed on my skirt at work today

Don't worry fuckwittery, I still haven't worked out how to find classics and i'll bet half the rest of MN haven't either.

My most recent one concerns the then six week old ds2 last year. From having ds1 I was well versed with newborns windy bums and their ability to launch bf poo over great distances. This meant that whenever ds2 had a bare bum he would always be on a muslin 'runway' to protect from poo.
So one warm Saturday I was just getting him dresses only for him to grunt and squeeze out a solid arc of yellow poo, clearing the poo runway and landi g squarely in the lap of my dressing gown instead.
I have to say I was impressed by his capacity that day.

Tears streaming, face soaking, wheezing so much from laughing I'll have to look for my inhaler.

Best thread ever!!!!

This is such a funny thread just realised I have a pop story too.....recently been v poorly and had reaction to antibiotics...result terrible diarrhoea and putrid farts! Problem I have never farted in front of dh, silly but true! During poorliness a waft of fart from a sewer from hell would waft into the room! All the family were looking for a rougue nappy that might have escaped! God what's the smell, in the end I had to join in as couldn't admit it was my arse! In end took self to bed where farting although still dangerous wasn't as disturbing!

Such a comfort to know I'm not the only person to have driven 40 miles to a party, get too pissed to drive home again, get the shits, have to throw knickers away, and belt off to nearest shop to buy new clothes in the morning. PMSL thank you everyone!

OP?? Yoohoo, OP?!? How come you've never returned to your thread?

People are usually made up to make it into Classics

I have loved this thread! Nearly died when I read "cluster of clits' my stomach and face ache from laughing

Curse this damned phone!!!

What's the collective noun for a group of clitoris? Oh yes - a 'cluster'

omfg.... "a cluster of clits"

am really very nearly pmsl

Flung a cluster of clits !!! :o

So funny!! Here are mine:

Aged abt 17 dp and I played a game involving vodka in copious amounts he then proceeded to take me home... Along our route i had to go so we pipped into KFC... I was blotto and insisted I could go by myself... Dp barges in after id been on there 20 mins finds me fast asleep.. Poop all over my hand from wiping!! Lord love him he washed them off for me and put me to bed

Second one was on my birthday, found out i was pg with much longed for baby at last decided to go to fav italian for double celebration. Lovely evening rich food and wine... Had been taking xenical... Which works by basically making you shit out fat!! Needed a poo... Sharted.. Had to dash in pub clean self up, sharted again at bus stop had to remove pants!! Awful.

Period wise mine come when they want... Often heavy /clotty... Dp was once summoned to loo at friends party as had manage to fling a cluster of clits so high i couldnt wipe it off!!

Lord knows why Dp is still around... Poo perv im guessing!!

lol I did, but I am finding so much funny on here that I'm starting to keep it to my self. This whole thread is just hilarious. It's just my level.

cake - yes I noticed :o
I've broken my throat laughing with laughing so much - never read a thread as funny as this one :o

I'm sorry, did no one else notice the "rears are streaming" comment above? Because on top of everything else, it's just made me psml even more.

Love this thread!

this isn't just any poo thread...

Oh my God I am crying with laughter. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard at a thread before!

A few years ago, front row at a packed gig waiting for the band to come on, a huge fart just crept up on me and I couldn't hold it in. It was a silent but deadly one, it stank. A chorus of 'oh god' 'urgh can you smell that?!' 'what is that smell?!' and the like went up from the people behind and the security guy at the barrier went along the line asking if everyone was ok or did someone need to be lifted out to get to the toilet! I just pretended it wasn't me and looked all round 'ewww'ing with everyone else!

I had a poo situation at the Zoo the other day on a family outing.
I had taken a laxative the day before. Clearly I have a very slow system.
For various I had to explain my predicament to my elderly mother who wanted to know why on earth I didn't carry spare knickers around with me!

'Because I've never SHAT myself whilst out in public before' I hissed at her.

Her: (smiling) I'm pretty sure you have'.

Nightmare scenario.
Always had dodgy tum (IBS) worst accident was when I had taken my daughter to tea in a smart London hotel, and then on to see chitty chitty Bang Bang. Sat down, great seats and just as the car started flying, my stomach started griping, just had to go. I was terrified to stand up,was wearing white jeans (hot sunny afternoon) Didn't want to leave my daughter on her own in the theatre, but had to get to a loo. Eventually had to go, crawled past the rest of the row, knowing I had shit pouring out of me....oh the shame... thank God it was dark. Got to the loo, I was in a dreadful mess. chucked my pants out (down the loo, which was stupid, as it got blocked up, had water pouring everywhere.) white jeans ruined, had to stand half naked in the ladies in the theatre washing my trousers....auful!!! thank God no one came in. Had to put soaking wet jeans back on, tied my cardigan around my middle and then with as much dignity as I could muster get back to my seat. My poor 10 year old daughter was distraught as I had been gone so long. Later in the performance she needed a wee. (Yes I was still sitting there in soaking jeans) When she came back she said "Mummy it was auful the loo was all blocked up, and there was water everywhere....(Ground swallow me up moment) We the had to get the train home, me squelching back in soggy stained jeans.....hideous!
There have been a few others, but that was my worst.

drywhiteplease thankfully the offending poo crawled back up her arse allowing her to carry on perusing in per una until we had a tea and poo break
she would die if she knew I was telling you all this but she does keep me amused , like the time she was shopping with her skirt tucked in her knickers..classic. We had to go straight home for her to have a lie down she was so mortified

This has reminded me of my most embarrassing poo incident! I was suffering from food poisoning and towards the end of it, I went to pick up dd from the childminders. I was sat on her sofa and felt an ominous rumbling! I knew I had seconds to get to the loo and so ran for it. I did get there in time, but my backside just exploded!! This is prob TMI but shall we just say that the explosion went 360 and sprayed the walls behind the toilet. There was a hoover stored in the cloakroom, behind the loo, and that was covered too. I spent 20 minutes cleaning poo out of every nook and cranny of it and I was totally mortified.

I called for the childminder, who was quite sympathetic, and had to ask to borrow some pants and a pair of trousers to get me home.

I never could look her in the eye again without thinking about that day!! Awful!

Oh dear God I haven't ever laughed at a thread so much in my life. Even The Mister came in to see what all the fuss was about and has been giggling his way through it.

Atleast you know that your husband loves you if he sees you at your most embarrassing moments. :)

I got married in Vegas and the day after the wedding myself and DH went to a diner and had a huge fried breakfast each to cure our hangovers. After an hour or so I felt much better and we went on the roller coaster in the New York hotel. Everything was fine until we were walking around Caesars Palace hotel and I really needed to fart. I thought I would let out a sly one but instead I followed through in a spectacular fashion and had to dash to the bog with shit dripping down my leg and on my white rara skirt . I had to throw my knickers away and buy some new ones at Victoria Secret. Possibly the most embaressing moment of my entire life- nice sight for your new husband to have to see too.