BODEN the endless threads about quality. These have been around since Dawn of time.

The nextites fell before Johnny and did flagellate.

'Begone' he sayeth, 'you have forsaken me oh foul daughters of those Tribes of Peruna. You are damned to walk the earth for all eternity in fussy garments with disproportionately large embellishments.'

And they did weep

Thus it came to pass that the Pharisees, who were verily clothed only
in Per Una Speziale, went forth.
Johnnie wept.

But, Lo, the sun darkened and the moon would not give its light. And the Lord God Johnny B showeth himself to be a jealous God!

'Submit to my 'fun' cord skirt and stretch boots!' sayeth he, 'And turn not towards thy false idols, White Stuff and Fat Face, for they know not the (chic, embellished) way of the Lord and are worshipped only by the wicked and misguided Tunicites and Floralites and others from the evil Twelve Tribes of Peruna...'

etc etc

very funy thread, btw!

Johnnie did look upon the land and did decree that the anointed shall receive an invitation to a Town Hall Sale, to held in a barn on an industrial estate. For two weeks the apostles will fast and devote themselves to Boden.

Under the cover of darkness the weary apostles shall gather having travelled from afar. At first light they shall survey the queue and quickly divine the Heathens amongst them and pity their belief in false gods. At the ninth hour the door of the barn shall open. In rusheth the chosen. Those on their first pilgrimage will look on in reverence at the 1000 square foot of true Boden.

High Priestesses, in their feverance, shall pile their baskets high with all of the Boden of Mini. Whereuponce they shall pay for their goods, return home and spread the good work of the Lord by selling the wares on Ebay.

Though this thread is PROPER FUNNY. Old MN style. Wit aboundeth here.

SuePurblit = SuPurb.

Coming to this thread late but just want to make clear that Johnny Boden did NOT invent me, on the first day or any other.

If MN didn't own copyright to all of this it ought to be published!

Hilarious.

'Tis a Revelation.

Too funny!

And Johnnie Boden spake unto his designers, and said,
For each dress and each top and each funky duffle, and for each pack of 2 long johns and each pack of 2 short johns and each reversible teddy zip through
Let them appear in three or possibly four different fabrics. And the first of these fabrics shall be blue and white striped. And the second of these shall be vintage rose, or if it is not vintage rose then let it be funky spots. And the third, or possibly fourth, shall be of such fabric as none shall wish to wear.
And it shall be of orange and brown paisley, or of some big apples, or it shall have doggies on it.
And in the time of the great sale, the first of these fabrics shall sell out instantly. And the second shall sell out shortly afterwards. And the last of these shall still remain untouched.
Ye shall do no learning from the fact that the two nicer fabrics always sell out, and neither shall she observe that age 13 woollen dresses with spots on shall not sell.
And Johnnie spake, and he said,
Therefore shall ye observe my statutes, and all my judgments, and do them: I am Johnnie Boden.

And the mothers did buy Johnnie B for their older daughters, and the older daughters did shun it because there's a difference between having JACK WILLS on the elastic of your knicker waistband and JOHNNIE B, the name of a middle-aged married man.

And verrily, it was the funniest thing she hath read all week.

Love this. Thank you. Cn you store Mumsnet threads?

And it came to pass after these things that the young women of the earth turned to Jack Wills and would no longer be suffered to wear the hotch potch and the towelling beach dress.

And Johnnie saw this, and said, I will destroy Jack Wills. And behold, the hoodies and the gilets and the flowery skirts shall be made by me, and only by me, and they shall be marginally cheaper and less desirable.

And so came into being Johnnie B.

And the mothers did buy Johnnie B for their older daughters, and the older daughters did shun it because there's a difference between having JACK WILLS on the elastic of your knicker waistband and JOHNNIE B, the name of a middle-aged married man.

And when the people did not buy Johnnie B, Johnnie was angry, and it repented him that he had made Johnnie B, and it grieved him at his heart.

And Johnnie said, I will make the sizes confusing and the fabric disappointingly thin.

Why, why don't I preview? It would save much kicking of self.

But Johnnie did seeth the approach of the Nextites and he realised the true Bodenites needed a sign.

And lo he did emboiderith a small Jack Russell terrier upon all the smallest of the clothes so the wearer would know who was true.

And the Terrier of Russel,l the canine embodiment of the true spirit of Boden did come to be the sign among them.

And lo, there came a time of false prophets.
Many bore false witness and tempted the weak and those whose faith was befouled by the plague of credit crunch and a slightly more extensive mens were led into the halls of Next.
True believers watched afeared as small children taunted them with cheap knock off polyester tutus and welly combinations stolen from the very heart of The Sacred Book Of Boden.
'how will we know the true believers amidst this sea of Nextites?' they cried, for they were as lost souls in the night
Thus it became that they vowed from that time forth, when lost in the crowds of school gate, high street or local park they would cry 'darling, come to me for I bearest taramasalata and a smidgeon of spelt pitta' and each amongst them would know their sign.
And it was good.

Forsaken shall be those who do not strive with joy and with song toward the Boden SaleDay of Judgement.

Those who do lust after up to 60% off selected items would do well to be Ready for the Word (via email) of Johnnie and to not pay heed to the false gods of internet rumour who smite their breast and proclaim with black tongues that they are Prophets of the Day of Revelation and that lo, the Leather Biker shall be reduced to £50 from £350. They know not what they profess.

Remember ye with caution tho, that Lust is a Sin, as are Greed and Panic Purchasing. Choose ye with candour, fervour and Realistic Outfit Planning. Fall ye not into Temptation as the devil himself may be present in the form of Pilates Pull-ons in Charcoal Marl. Stretchy Material doth not mean that thou canst size down from a 16 to an 8. Thou shalt reap what thou hast sown and even if thy right butt cheek offend ye, cutting it off shall not better the fit.
Free Deliver ye from the Evil that are Chino Shorts and the Righteous and Meek shall truly acquire the bargains.

Amen Boden

And so it came to pass, at school gates across the land, His followers did deny their true nature, and with ric rac braiding and appliqué didst they torment their bodies attempting to deny their wanton and fecund state for this was offensive to the eyes of their Lord. And Johnnie looked upon his servants thus clothed in boring uniformity and declared it to be good.

For it is written: "I shall raise mine eyes to the Boden, from whence cometh mine shapeless moleskin trouser [sic] and give thanks. For whomsoever believeth shall receive 15% off, and even from those that believe not, yea, those who wallow in the mire of the Shop that is Top, Cos and verily ASOS, even from them shall any discount be taketh away. Rejoice then, ye faithful! For the season of ric rac braiding, jersey tops of meagre length and vain beading is upon us."

And it was so.

And so the gift from johnnie arrived one day, all wrapped in orange with cream bubbles or turquoise and cream or for the real followers beautifully encased in cardboard with tissue. The dreamt with anticipation for that day. But how johnnie had given them a false dawn with the gift for it was not really a gift that would bring them closer to him but a gift that would mean his flock would embark on a journey of great inconvenience and hassle and one that for the chosen few would cost them.
This is the day of the post office.

and so came Johnny's disciples and Lo the birth of the Boden party. And thus they went as missionary's to spread the word and anoint the lost and Bodenless with his blood in the form of Chablais and they would eat the body of Johnny in the form of Tapas.

The flock would take their money away from the lenders to ensure their worldy goods came only from their father Johnny. amen.

And the mothers of the middle of England did justify the exchanging of fifteen gold coins for the t shirt of an infant by proclaiming "It fetcheth a good price on eBay".
And lo! It did sell for a high price.