You know you have a toddler when...

You sing nursery rhymes to the trolley the one time you go food shopping alone.

The most prominent features of your mental map of your home town are the building sites, fire stations and the soft play centre.

Your much-loved trendy handbag languishes in a cupboard while you tote assorted toys, books, snacks and nappies around in a backpack.

You do a superman-style change of clothes in the work toilets every day as you get reay to pick up said small person.

You automatically sit of the floor in any gathering of people.

You spend every evening after DS's bedtime exhausted watching crap TV and being online, sometimes trying to remember what life was like before DS and you spent the evenings on the many hobbies you're now too tired for.

You get really excited when the new Peppa Pig DVD comes come. (Next one is coming out in March according to Amazon.)

DS is watching Justin's House while guests are present and you embarrass yourself by squealing, "Ooo! Mr Bloom! Mr Bloom's in Justin House! I love Mr Bloom!" And then you have to explain, "Mr Bloom is a guy on CBeebies whose friends are vegetables."

You whistfully reminisce about the days when you could just put them in a push chair/ car seat/ high chair without bribery or force.

-you will clean a dummy from practically any surface by putting it in your own mouth.

-you've gone from sheer panic everytime they bang their head to expecting it at the smallest perceived slight, including flinging themselves backwards onto concrete.

-NOTHING at work can wind you up, you're in a serene bubble well past the state of having any nerves.

-you kno that 'ba' 'buh' 'beebees' 'bee' and 'ba-be' are all wods in their own right, and understand them. (book, bus, ceebeebies, bottle, baby)

you slow down long before the level crossing hoping that the lights will come on so you can stop and see the trains

(previously used to road through unless barrier was actually down...)

You definitely can't poo in peace :) and when you've finished you can't wipe in peace either for a little one repeating "look at mummy's poo......errrr mummies poo stinks" then running off and leaving the door open!

Your washing up consists of half a dozen sippy cups, a couple of toy plastic kitchen utensils, an ibruprofen syringe thing and a plastic biro covered doll

On the rare occasions you are child free for the day, you find yourself pottering around the house 'just in case she wakes up in a minute'

You point out moo cos, baa lambs and tractor when you're giving your boss a lift to the station and ds is still at nursery.....and she's not even remotely surprised!

You hope that your posh handbag makes you look vaugely stylish seeing as the rest of your outfit has snot/biscuit goo/both stuck to the front of it....

You've finally started to 'get' abney and teal and quite like that one of the characters is a turnip!

you receive a text with a pic of a poo in a potty...

you no longer carry a handbag, but take a Thomas The Tank back pack with you everywhere.

On the rare occasion that you go to a supermarket without them, you find yourself rocking the trolley back and forth every time you stop to look at something for a minute.

You think nothing of finding a poo flung over the stairgate

You experience the emotions of frustration, anger, fear, total love, sympathy and joy in the space of about one minute. I've never felt so Jekyll & Hyde emotionally.

when you see a tractor/digger/police car without dc you feel like it is a real waste

when dc fall over and scream, you check for blood and then sort of lose interest if there isn't any

the same thing that you found quite amusing at about 11 o'clock in the morning, reduces you to quivering wreck by about 7. nice consistent parenting for the dc there then.

You drive for thirty minutes with the action songs cd on before realizing you're child-free and the CD has just imprinted on your sub conscious to the point you dont even notice its on! (really high pitched rendition three blind mice)
You talk in a shrill voice to work colleagues

DC are in bed and you are still watching cbeebies

you put your hand in your coat pocket and pull out soggy monster munch

You can tell any of about 30 favourite books without looking at them any more
The bin men wave at you, even when you're on your own.
You've spent so many hours standing watching the diggers that a builder gives your child a toy digger he brought from home
You know the difference between a bulldozer, a backhoe loader, and several different types of crane and tell adults about them
Someone points out that you have snot on your shoulder and you have no desire to change into a clean top.

You walk into the posh Farrow and Ball shop with your posh handbag to order some posh paint - and have to pull a manky stinky cow toy out of your bag to get to your purse to pay!

You can cook quite complicated meals with someone hanging onto your leg and screaming at you.

Having initially been charmed by Tinga Tinga Tales, you secretly wish that Lion would just fucking well get on with eating all the other animals, and that horrible things would also happen to Abney and bloody Teal. And that Captain Barnacles would suddenly remember he's a polar bear and therefore a terrifying carnivore.

The DVD cabinet is sellotaped shut, also the top of the fish tank too!

Most of your chocolate consumption is done after the kids are in bed, so you can feel like less of a hypocrite for rationing chocolate buttons and for eating entire box of Lindor in one sitting with DH

Your rare, weekend bath is interrupted by a toddler who comes in to tell you "I'm going to chat nicely, tell you a story and do a poo-poo" and you don't even mind :o

You reach in your bag for your purse and pull out Emily the Tank Engine instead.

You unself-consciously tell a story featuring the Toy Story cast, complete with voices, as you make your way around Asda. Anything for a scream-free shopping trip!