You know you have a toddler when...

I found a lovely clean potato in my washing machine the other day. And one in a cupboard. The child has a weird obsession with the bloody things!

Reading LO's favourite books for the umpteenth time sends you to sleep not your LO, even more worryingly if you can read the book without looking at the words... if anyone wants a personal rendition of Rainbow Rob?

I second that lost keys, phone etc are probably in LO's toy box.

Also to finding toys in the washing machine, usually staring out at you from a soapy abyss.

Reprimanding your LO before he/she has even done anything usually because its either been too long or the 'silence'.

You start to sound like your own mother.

Having to buy random loose fruit/veg from the supermarket because LO has taken a bite out of it. Feeling slightly red-faced when young probably childless cashier puts a cucumber with a bite out of it through with look that says, 'wtf?'.

You look back at pics of when they were 6 months, 12 months 18 months old and start crying because they were so sweet then and by contrast they have spent the whole of today saying "no", refusing to join in with any games/activities you try, chucking the food you have made for them all over the floor without even trying it and refusing to let you even read them a story at bedtime

To be fair to DD (2.6) she has got a really rotten cold, her voice is really hoarse, she cant sleep properly as she can't breathe and she has got a one month old baby brother who has turned her little world upside down ...

And breathe - tomorrow is another day and my sweet little girl will come back ... one day!

When your male patients sit forward for you to listen to the back of their chest you say 'Good BOY'.

You know that quietness, means you're about to lose your head when you find out why toddler is quiet!!!! (drawing on wall, car roof etc with crayons!!)

You find yourself building mega bloks even when the toddler doesn't want to just because you find it fun

You spend hours of your life on amazon, looking for the disney little pigs and various lego duplo!!

You now hate shopping, as it's an embarrassing act with a 2yr old, especially when lying on the floor and repeating swear words he's heard somewhere?!

Or your driving you and DH to a night out, and DH suddenly asks why you've pressed the lock doors button on the car!

When you talk about doggy at your friend grown up dinner party.
When you forget what it like to go to the toilet on your own.
When you spend ages looking for your keys, bags, wallet and the content of your wallet.
And when you have to check all the rubbish bags before throwing them out...

Mama I got sick of the wet floor so now every time I have a shower said little person gets plonked in the "shallow end" with some toys

Your child-less friends get used to you taking their hand to cross the road.

You turn on the gas fire just to find a flame coming out and melted wax dripping down (darn you wax crayons!).

You cherish the moments you can have a poo in peace as they are a very rare occasion.

You are used to having a shower while a little person constantly pulls open the curtain and shouts 'peepo'.

Your DH farts and you shout out 'dada pom-pom, dada stinky stinky'.

Because you find yourself drawn back to this thread threads like this several times and still recognise everything the other posters say. And then find yourself wondering why it isn't in classics yet.

The longer you watch outnumbered on tv you realise it is not a funny comedy but an accurate documentary on the state of your life now and a warning as to what the future is set to hold.

You sit down with a mug of coffee while their in nursery and find yourself engrossed in CBeebies that you left on.

these are brilliant & so true!!

when you don't mind being stuck behind a truck delivering a skip for 20 minutes on the way to ikea!

when you spend hours and hours recording your toddler singing incy wincy on your iphone!
"was da spidaaaa OUT!!!!"

When you talk 'Toddler' in your sleep. DH sleeptalks and has been known to wake me by asking if I need a Wee wee. :)

every apple in th efruit bowl has on etiny little bote out of it

Blue I need coffee, but he's asleep on my arm and has been such a miserable little boy today, I don't want to chance waking him by moving

I was sniggering so much at this I had to share it with the rest of the office!

You know when you have a toddler when ... tea is a medical necessity

You could cry in sleep-deprived desperation and at the same time think it is adorable when you are woken at 5am on a Saturday morning by a small voice 5cm from your ear joyously singing "Stop! In the name of love, before you bwake my heart..."

You are aware that it is in fact possible to have crumbs from carrot after cleaning a stack of carrot crumbs off the carpet after toddler has been eating carrot sticks.

The hole in the middle of speakers is an obvious place to keep duplo.

When you catch yourself addressing DH as Dadda, and your toddler isn't in the room.

You check the toilet first before every time you use it for keys/bricks/toothbrushes/the bath plug

You have stopped calling DH by his name, even when DS isnt there he is daddy.

I also found myself playing "peepo" with DH last night

You have 'artwork' drawn in crayons on your walls

You answer the same question more times than you care to mention

Sleep is a dim and distant memory...

you don't even notice the fact you have done the school run with snot covering most of your right shoulder.

you have been up since 5AM and yet nothing constructive has been acheived.

That was this morning's revelations

You spend 20 minutes in the freezing cold unable to complete the short walk home as there is a digger to be watched.

Repeat several times daily for the three months it took them to replace the gas pipes in our road last winter

your road rage is necessarily reduced to "oh what a silly man!" follwing DD's too accurate imitation of the usual turn of phrase

you just can't cope with the Why's any more and are reduced to "Because i said so" Even though you faithfully promised never ever to utter those words

complex and detailed lies are constructed to cover up the fact that her favourite Dora the explorer dish was broken by Nana whilst of course maitining we must never tell lies

you can't have along hot soak in the tub because a) you like it too hot for toddler skin and b)toddler has eczema and doesn't respond well to lovely smelling grown up lotions and potions and you both know the toddler will need a bath very urgently the minute you sink into bath so it should a) be cool enough and b)smell like baby bath stuff. And none of this matters because just before toddler needs this urgent bath she will (very grown up like) use the toilet for the smelliest poo she can create.

You have snail trails of snot on your shoulder (and have given up caring!) and your groin area of your trousers have biscuit smears from when they come and 'hide' between your legs...

You no longer consider the andrex puppy to be cute.

You find toothpaste all over your iphone because your toddler has decided to clean 'Talking Toms' teeth.