tell me about your oddest colleague?

OMFG - some, actually most, of these are seriously weird. I used to work in an industry where eccentricity wasn't frowned upon, in fact it was almost encouraged ... but you lot ... I'm almost lost for words.

The only one I can think of was an ex-boss (and owner) of the company, who was normally a nice guy, albeit he could be a bit of a hard task-master at times. But on the odd occasion when he was working late, after we'd all gone home and probably in a bit of a bad mood, used to stalk round the office with a pad of Post-It Notes leaving notes on people's desks/computers which said things like : "if you don't tidy up your desk in the next 48 hours I'm going to throw it all away", or "where's X document I asked for?", or "have you remembered to X?", or "SEE ME".

We finally got used to arriving in the morning seeing the entire office absolutely festooned with yellow Post-It Notes - and used to compare notes on our 'Mark-O-Grams' (not his real name)

"you can pick the peanuts out of my shit"

Nice!!

I am a redhead. Very normal looking, I promise, but a redhead nevertheless. A college asked me if I was a celebrity in my home town because of my hair colour. They were being serious. They genuinely believed that red hair = celebrity status.

(PS can I just point out that the palce I mentioned ceased to exist the year after which is when I left so if you still work for them it's not you I promise )

Oh and the boss at aforementioned Governmental dept (was circa 1995) who called in and got a day off with the following excuse:

'I can't come in becuase I have been cleaning the goldfish's bowl and put him in the bath so now I can't have a shower'.

Nobody even mentioned it as a problem!

DH had a colleague who used to leave a trail- slimey fluid, all over seats and everything else. We assume she had something permanently leaking in the handbag she always carried (NOT an inco bag, was checked each day by security who confirmed it) as there were never any marks from her clothes. It smelled foul though and she did really hate everyone so quite possibly deliberate, goodness knows what it was! She's now in the hospitality industry, wish i knew where to avoid it.

When I worked in the filing vaults of HMRC- yep you cam imagine my joy at THAT one- I was on my own with a bloke who'd make your blood run cold for no reason, he was about 40 and I was about 22; on my birthday handed me a birthday card then said (memorably) 'Some days I like to wake my girlfrioend up with oral sex becuase she says it makes her clitoris tingle'- then walked off.

I was like ----> but also

MNHQ can we put this thread in classics please?!

I've nearly finished my masters in HR and I have to say at no point during the course did we cover shit smearing. Not ever. I'm now thinking, based on this thread, that there should have been at least one lecture on it if not a whole module.

Still chortling over:

Also told us the reason he was hungry was because he suffered from a rare condition whereby if he didnt eat every 4-5 hours he'd get hungry and weak. We said yes, it's called hunger.

Priceless!

ooh ledkr you've reminded me of the incredibly coarse woman i used to work with during my student days (bar job in floating pub on the Thames). i'm no fading flower but she was unbelievably rough: smoked fifty Royals a day (while serving up sandwiches to the wanky cityboy clientele), looked and sounded exactly like Waynetta Slob, and once responded to a request from another colleague with the immortal words "you can pick the peanuts out of my shit".

everyone who worked there was bizarre in some way, tbh. jeff brazier worked there for a while, he was probably the most normal person i met there!

Had a colleague who used to come to work in safari suits or crumpled shorts. Had a picture of his wife giving birth naked, legs wide open, baby's head halfway out pinned up next to his desk in the staffroom. You'd watch students noticing it while they were discussing their essays with him and doing double takes. Another 2 members of the same department (sociologists both) hated each other so much - which we all knew and encouraged - they had a fist fight in front of the whole staffroom. FE used to be a great place for eccentrics. Not any more. Sigh

Decaying flesh and unwashed fanjo smell omfg?Ugh.

The spoon licker used to go for a crap in the mornings down in the offices cos they werent in untill 9 and we started at 7am.One morning after her constitutional the office staff called out the plumber cos they thought the drains were block cos the smell was so bad.

Gosh-ive been a mental health nurse and a social worker so ive met some very odd ones.A very posh pyschiatrist who used to see our vry unposh drug clients and spek to them as if they were also from knightsbridge,they were already fairly unwell and him using terms such as "have you shat your duvet?" made them even worse.He advised them to "have a chat" the scary dealers who were after them with guns cos they owed them so much money

Another on whom i worked with in a residential setting used to cook dinner for staff and clients and repeatedly suck the spoon she was stirring it with-openly-she smoked about fifty fags a shift so i never did eat when i was on shift with her

or menstrual even.

Seems poo and wee are quite "normal" at my last job someone smeared the toilet seat, floor and walls of a cubicle in menstural blood!

Had to get specialist cleaners in for that one.

my gay work colleague used to announce he was going to 'drop the kids off' when he went to the loo i was until he explained it was a reference to the days before safe sex...

That put me right off my mini Twirl Bites, I can tell you!

A woman I used to work with was given her own office because she smelt so bad. Not BO, but decaying flesh mixed with unwashed fanjo stink . She was alcoholic, and could be found each lunchtime nursing a pint glass of white wine in the local Wetherspoons (empty bottle next to her). I once threatened to resign as the smell from her in the office was making me gag and nobody would tackle her about it.

So come on, which one of you has registered come feel the warmth of my silken beaver as a namechange?

Amazed at the proliferation of phantom shitters. Someone I know on another forum had one at their work who started off smearing and progressed to writing POO on the walls, in poo. He said it looked like they had used the turd as a crayon.

None of my bizarre ex-colleagues can really compare to any of these thank fuck.

10 years ago, working in the media was fun. The whole company was staffed by raging alcoholics.

One guy used to sleep at his desk from 2-5 every day. We worked around him.

Mind you, not sure I can talk as I once hired someone because they were still lucid and eloquent after 3 large glasses of wine at lunchtime.

those were the days

Some of mine:
Bloke who was banned from ground floor loo for covering toilet, floor and walls in shit. Was allowed to use other loos though.
Same bloke used to stuff bits of loo roll up his arse, after going to the loo. How do we know this? They used to fall out of his trouser leg when he walked about and they'd have a shitty corner.
Same bloke had porn catalogues delivered to work which he used to show us. They were shemail mags, including hair removal cream and treatments for making men look more feminine.
Same bloke told a colleague, in his 20s, if you were 10 years younger I'd have you. "12 is the best age".
Why wasn't he sacked? Manager and HR, and I quote, "it's his culture" WTF!!

Bloke more recently asking us if we have our bluetooth on on our phones. We all check thinking it's clashing with something of his. Nope, nada. We ask why to be told...
"I have a massive headache. Bluetooth affects my thinking processes".
Also told us the reason he was hungry was because he suffered from a rare condition whereby if he didnt eat every 4-5 hours he'd get hungry and weak. We said yes, it's called hunger.
He also said the reason he was tired was because his brain worked much faster than ours so he got tired quicker.
He was shit at his job and couldn't do the most basic things, too busy "doing reverse psychology" on us all.

We have one woman who always shoves her hand down her top and adjusts her breasts when she is talking in meetings. Very distracting.

I once worked at a place where a guy took long term sick leave, about a month in I picked up the phone and his wife was on the other end asking if she could speak to him as there had been a family emergency. I had to break the news to her that he wasn't there and hadn't been in for some time, she kept insisting that he had left for work every morning. That was a little akward I can say.

We had a temp for a while who was refered to solely as 'The Temp' who used to insist on telling you about embarrassing details of her friends lives followed by the phrase '...but what really upset's my friend is the way everyone seems to know about it'. She also used to burst into tears at some amazingly random things all the time and then require about an hour of counselling before she could return to work.

Another woman took 4 days off work after her very elderly rabbit died. I have had pets all my life and I know it can be very upsetting but 4 days?!

There was a guy in one office I used to work at who would just go to sleep at his desk all afternoon. He was a bit crap in general so people would just leave him there

...don't you just love the public sector

We had a phantom shitter too. Seems there is an epidemic ...
It came to a head when one morer senior manager stood in a fresh specimen one morning
We had to swipe in and out of the toilets, so they managed to track down the culprit eventually. She later resigned not before suing a manager for sexual harassment!
This was in a building in the City, of we rented a floor from a firm of presitigous lawyers. Oh the shame, when we couldn't renew the contract thanks to the phantom shiiter.

Also, used to sit next to a guy who would eat constantly, mainly stinky curries or chinese takeaways, and regulalry belch outloud followed by a pathethic "scuse"

A colleague and former friend used to disappear every lunchtime, and come back regaling us with tales of debauched gay sex in the public toilets near our office and that of a busy City hospital. Fun times powered by gaydar ...

I am sure there are more

I had a paper-round when I was 13, and there was a man who was employed to help with getting the rounds together behind the newsagent. He had a wooden leg and a speech impediment, and I swear he was a paedophile.

He used to come right up behind me and whisper 'awight gorgeous' into my ear while I was trying to get my round together, until I rounded on him and started hurling abuse. Bizarrely in spite of the fact that he'd be sexually harassing me, he still didn't seem to understand why I was calling him a creepy fucking wanker and telling him everyone hated him.

Oh my south african colleague isn.t barking, she's a good friend, i really like her and she's quite clean and doesnt smell at all... her bone munching does turn my stomach though [vom]