tell me about your oddest colleague?

Yes, I nominated this for Classics and am not sure what it's done to deserve being moved to Other Subjects.

Can this be moved back to Chat please, it's going to die a sad and lonely death in here. And it really doesn't deserve that. It should go in Classics when it's full.

Please and thank you. :)

Oh I have remembered some more...

The seat sniffer. Came back from lunch and caught him on his knees sniffing my chair. He said to me "I think you're ovulating."

I used to work for someone who was very disorganised and used to sit on papers which needed a quick turnaround. One of my colleagues said one day, "I've had enough, I'm going to sort him out once and for all." Said colleague was slightly unhinged, so we thought this would be interesting and followed him down the corridor. He burst into boss's office shouting "If you don't sign off that pile of papers I'm going to fuck you up the arse, good and hard, right here over your posh desk." The office was full of some Arab businessmen who had come for a meeting. But we got all the papers back signed, within half an hour of them leaving.

DH used to work somewhere which had squash courts and a gym in the basement, with the men's and women's showers and changing rooms next door to each other. A memo went round to all staff, saying it had been discovered that "someone" had drilled a hole in the wall between the two, and had been caught watching women in the shower. But not to worry, the hole had now been blocked up.

DH had a phantom crapper in his last office too! There is someone in mine who seems to manage to smear the back of the seat with poo. I don't think it's deliberate, I just think she is a bit lax in the wiping department.

mckenzie the 2 in my office are doing loud sneezes for attention seeking, it is very obvious! A friend of mine is pals with one of them and I think one time her she must have sneezed and we were talking about it. My friend said 'oh that's just how she sneezes....' but I then pointed out that you 'teach' yourself to sneeze differently. My OH one time made a funny noise after a big sneeze, and kept doing it......he doesn't do it any more.

My friend has a dog that doesn't like her sneezing, goes a bit daft and starts barking, so now when she sneezes she puts a cough at the end of it. So now even when she isn't with the dog, she does her sneeze/cough thing that she has taught herself

Oh and do lecturers count? As in an enforced debate at uni about the morality of having sex with a froxen (specifically frozen) chicken? (Thanks fagashlil for reminding me of that one!)

Just remembered one- I benefitted from this one though.

Director of a company I temped at who was compiling a list of swear words with definitions, woudl bring me piles of apper with pretty much 567 permutaions of the word fuck adn expect me to photovopy.

After a while it got annoying so I mentioend it to the lady in the next office who amongst other things (small business really) was HR bod; within 12 hours I had been sent on early maternity leave on full pay (I was about 15 weeks) whilst they quietly disposed of him- a sort of coup from what DH who worked there told me.

He was quite elderly and just listed it as his hobby but it seemed so.... odd.

This is from my job years ago - open plan office so you could see other people's weirdness quirks. One bloke who would go for his extended lunch break and then sleep bolt upright at his desk for the next couple of hours.

The guy who played with his balls when speaking to anyone....most distracting as even though you tried not to look your eyes were drawn to it.

The man with egg on his beard....every day. Could possibly have been the same egg.

(was a scientific establishment, so much scope for odd behaviour)

I've had the mild ones, like the loud sneezer and the sneezer who would spray snot all over the computer screen (even my boss didnt tell me off for taking 1/2 hour to clean the keyboard and desk when I had to move to his desk).

Exp on the other had had a blinder for a boss, we actually nicknamed him Bullshit Bob. The stories he would come out with were so unreal it was almost funny. Everything ranging from Body Guard to Kiera Knightly to working with the SAS on secrect government operations. The best bit was though was this....

One day they had to have a morning meeting. They all went into the container which they used as an office on site and Bob had to run to his car for some paperwork and go to the loo.

Bob made the very stupid mistake of leaving is laptop, not only in the office but turned on. One bloke had a nosey around it (as you do) and came across and open file. He clicked on it then shouted at the top of his voice "The dirty bastard". Well, as you can imagine, a room full of tradesmen and a reaction like that you know its got to be good. Ex was expecting porn as most people were...and indeed it WAS porn, but with chickens and other farm animals and not a woman in sight. Just blokes with animals.
Bob was spotted coming back to the office so they'd out everything back as it was before he left and all tried to keep a straight face for the duration of the meeting. That was until someone started clucking at the end of every sentance Bob said. Someone then joined in with a baaaaa, then a mooooo until they couldnt do anymore but sit there and nearly wet themselves laughing as you could apparently acutally SEE the penny dropping in Bobs face.

Now I am normally a nice person, but even I couldnt resist getting in on this one. So I gave ex a box of eggs and printed off a fake CSA order with letterhead, stating that Chicken Licken was entitled to be paid so much of his wages in child support and that he owed £40 in back payments. Apparently I then decleared a Godess by the rest of team for that prank and I still hear about the time when Bob threw all 6 eggs behind him without looking...straight into the site managers convertable.

It should be in classics?

The man who used to ring in sick and then tell you he had diarrhoea and was phoning you on his mobile from the toilet. And then say "Listen..." and make a farting noise to prove it.

The man who used to randomly accuse people of stealing his cat.

I have lots, all from my last job. We seemed to attract oddballs.

The gravy drinker - used to drink Bisto every day. It was always really thick and made the office stink.

The psycho one - told us all that the best time to shoot someone would be bonfire night so we better 'watch out'. Also that he knew how to create the perfect crime. We used a tracing service in our job and we had to ban it from it because he used to look up people who he thought had 'wronged' him.

The Woo one - She used to see orbs all the time. We would be sitting in the office and she would just shout 'Orb' like some kind of odd golfer. When she started doing it in important meetings I had to fire her and she told me that bad karma would make my teeth fall out.

The Smelly One - didnt wash as all and he stunk. We had to have the windows open and it was bloody freezing in winter, but the cheesy smell was too much.

We also had a temp who would take a 'natural break' every day at 12.30. You could set your clock by him.

purpleknittingmum - I sneeze very loudly sometimes. i certainly don't do it for attention. I can't control it.

We had someone who used to go to the loo after lunch and leave it covered in skid marks. I discovered who it was and shocked it was her.
Another one does stuff like join all the paper clips together to piss people off.

The girl who, on her very first day, got up from her desk at lunchtime, turned to the rest of the office and said "And you bastards can fuck off" before walking out for good, leaving her shoes under her desk. We have no idea why, she seemed quite happy up to that point.

The person who used to send one piece of blank paper to our manager, every single week, in a typed envelope without a stamp on it, requiring me to walk to post office to pay the postage, plus a £1 fee. We think this was because the manager accidentally sent an email to everyone in our office, instead of to colleagues at another branch, saying "can anyone send me some paper, I've run out" when our stationary order didn't come on time. It was genius, but very odd. It drove the manager mad.

I've just reread the thread and noticed the huge number of phantom shitters! Maybe we should start another thread just about Covert Crapping. There seems to be a lot of it about.

DH has been reading this. He wishes to add in the fantasist at his work. This man claims to have been the secret long-term boyfriend of Samantha Fox, who is of course gay. He also claims to own two companies offering prestigious car-related services to the rich and famous, even though he works in a fairly ordinary job full-time.

DH's boss also wears platform boots to work, and apparently looks like "that creepy little fucker who played Eugene Tooms in The X Files."

PS: Forgot to add that when I was filing, H-F S told me not to look at the papers closely because they were 'confidential'. When I asked how I could file them properly if I didn't LOOK at them, she told me off for being 'cheeky' !

God I love this thread!

I was a temp for two weeks at Railtrack working for this man who bore an unfortunate resemblance to Butch the Dog from Tom and Jerry. He had a hatchet-faced secretary with a face like boiled ham who called herself the Office Manager. When I arrived H-F S spent half an hour lecturing me on the importance of discretion in the job before telling me about the woman on the floor above who was 'still a virgin at 65.'

Two days later we were supposed to have a visit from Princess Anne which meant us staff were not allowed to use the toilets on the second floor - the whole second floor! On the day of Princess Anne's visit, someone sneaked into the second floor toilets and left a large steaming turd on the gleaming floor.

H-F S actually sent round a memo saying the 'building would be locked until the culprit confessed.' !

There was also a nice man who worked in the Post Room who every single morning said to me: 'Never mind it's nearly Friday.'

I worked with a total fantasist. She was, she told us, a qualified pilot, and regularly flew sick children on charity trips. One weekend she took children horseriding with William Shatner in America and another time she went to Switzerland. She brought us Swiss chocolate back from that one, Swiss chocolate that was also coincidentally sold in the shop next to the office. She lived a fair bit away from the office but was occasionally allowed to fly her plane from her local military airfield to the city airport nearest our office. That really cut down her commute.

There were so many bonkers folk, we never had a dull moment in that office. The CEO who constantly had a paperclip in his ear, cleaning. The co secretary who took lunchtime naps in one of the meeting rooms. The exec who treated us all to a daily rendition of Andrew Lloyd Webbers finest. Happy days!

on of my colleagues who finding out i was pregnant asked if he could have my placenta so he could eat it

In the early 90s I worked for a now-defunct stationery company, it was very much like Wernham Hogg in The Office.

I was in the accounts department and our boss, Roy, was a bit peculiar.

He had many quirks but his favourite trick was asking us to fetch him a particular invoice from the filing cabinet. Unbeknown to us, he'd already removed the invoice he wanted, so in the end everyone in the department would have hunted through the filing cabinet to no purpose. Then we'd tell him we couldn't find it, so he would go into the cabinet himself (sneakily returning the missing invoice) and then announce "You lot are hopeless, it's been here all along." He was thwarted in the end because eventually we caught him at it.

He once asked me to sort out his desk drawer and I found a pair of pants and a load of glossy black and white photos of Japanese rope bondage. I always wondered if I he'd forgotten they were in there, or if I was meant to find them.

We had a phantom shitter a while back where I work now. But it was one of the customers...

One of the Partners of the company I worked for was a real perv. He could not have a conversation with a female member of staff without being salacious. He would email totally "wrong" jokes (and I consider myself pretty open minded ). He looked at porn on the internet and had magazines in his desk. He was the only one who has his door closed to his office and had his secretary ring through before anyone was allowed in.

When he was finally sacked left, there were some very dubious spunk stains all over the carpet under his desk. He was a wanker in every sense of the word

We were all looking at a colleagues new baby pics in an album,i turned the page to be greeted with a pic of his naked wife legs akimbo baby at her massive swinging breast and umbilical cord protruding from her bleeding fanjo ugh,we hardly knew him and had never met her.He showed everyone even the students and patients.To this day ive never known how i kept a straight face.

oh yuk at a bum scratcher/sniffer!

know of 2 people that do the most ridiucously loud sneezes, no way is that natural. Attention seeking sods!