tell me about your oddest colleague?

OMG I am loving this thread.

I used to work as an employment lawyer and came across some seriously strange people at work (by which I mean they worked for my clients).

It never ceased to amaze me what people thought they would get away with at work. There was one couple that used to exchange really filthy emails at work, so detailed that they could literally have spent all day at it (I used to have to warn IT that the client was forwarding me emails saying stuff like "OMG I've just cum in my pants" so they didn't think I was doing something suspect).

There was one employee who had such a fiery hatred of a gay colleague that he refused to touch anything (paper, a chair, anything) the colleague had touched because he didn't want "to get AIDs". He used to wear a tape recorder to work and made detailed diaries of the "evidence" he had amassed against the gay colleague (one entry told of how the gay colleague had wished him a good morning with a tone that suggested he was going to rape him in the toilets). He was seriously unpleasant.

One young lady claimed sexual harassment against a colleague and produced a number of fairly graphic letters from him explaining what he'd like to do with her. Unfortunately she omitted to mention her enthusiastic replies (including a classic post it note she left on his phone that said "come feel the warmth of my silken beaver".

There were hundreds of others, many quite sad like the alcoholic receptionist who left a water bottle filled with vodka on her desk (which was taken by mistake into a meeting and swigged by a manager - whoops). It was really common to find men accessing hard core porn at work, and not unheard of to find child porn either - not a pleasant issue to have to deal with.

MrsS, especially the goal story. The bastards. Do you work in the City by any chance? I hated the majority of the arsehole blokes who worked in the city. The strange thing was, get them on their own and they were normal, but with a pack of blokes they were awful.

I used to work with a lady who was very tight (she had money, she just chose to spend it on odd things). She didn't have central heating at home so she would bring her wet washing in in plastic bags and hope the clothes would dry in the bag under her desk. It took weeks of me hearing her rustling plastic bags to realise what she was doing. Surely her washing must of stank.

She also would bring in frozen bottles of milk so they would defrost by the time she took them home. It was so cold in her house that they wouldn't thaw.

When it got extra cold at home, her and her dp would hop into the car, turn the engine on and put the heating on full blast.

I did feel sorry for her until she announced that that had bought a brand new kayak, which was the same sort of price as getting central heating installed.

at the man covering everything in jizz

I was going to tell you about the bloke who would regularly rummage down the back of his pants then sniff his finger...

But that doesn't even come close to the wierdos the rest of you have worked with

Oh the oddities on this thread are great but jumpjockey's 15 to 1 fan sounds like a prize catch!

My favourite strange colleague nearly drove me to resign. We had to work on a team of 5, he was a long term temp/contractor in a supporting role but seemed to think he was MD. He was very dim but covered up for it by using a LOT of management speak. I had to mentally translate everything he said. He was utterly incapable of having anything like normal conversation - like the bloke off Brittas Empire x 100! We were trying to arrange a team meeting venue and instead of "what does everyone think?" he said "What's the cohesive consensus?" ARGHH! Talk normally! He was unable to moderate his delivery regardless of who he was presenting to (we were in sales) and if a presentation had 200 slides, every audience got all 200, rather than picking out what he needed. He had a 10 min slot at a conference and had to be forcibly removed from the stage as he was still crapping on 40 mins later, regardless of the audience bleeding from their eyes. Ugh. And he announced that all meetings with him should start after 11 as he had a "toilet motion" at 10:50 every day and if he missed it then it would "go back up."

OMG MrsS. It makes my lot sound almost normal.

Oh god there are so many. Some of which I've posted on MN about before, but here are my top 5.

1. The bloke who got fired for running a porn website during work hours piggybacking on the network. He wasn't vile in person, but the website was and anyone with that amount of chutzpah deserves a mention.

1. The one who cuts his toenails in the office, smells like an ashtray, and only eats food that can be rehydrated. His desk has around 8 different varieties of soup-in-a cup and his drawers full of noodles with random pot noodles shoved everywhere making it look more like a kitchen cupboard than a work area. He surprisingly has a girlfriend. No, we don't understand it either.

1. The one who stored a variety of breakfast cereals in the kitchen and munch coco pops and shreddies at his desk all day. It wasn't 'presentee-ism' as he was never in on time either.

1. The one who had had serious food issues. He only ate about 3 things and had to do it in secret, in the loo.

1. The woman who I fired - I can't tell you all of the things she did as it would out me to anyone who knew her, but you, you dirty cow, I'm talking about you.

Mrs S

I work with physicists and software engineers, so the odd level is pretty high anyway tbh.

But my first 'proper job' boss used to call us into his office individually on christmas eve for a talk about the real meaning of christmas, how it wasn't a time for celebration, and to give us each a bunch of evangelistic leaflets.

English sense of fanny.

You would be shocked if I told you, Count Bap.

some right whoppers there!

MrsS! OMG at wanking man!

I don't think I have ever worked with anyone as weird as any of this lot, just mildly irritating to me!

MrsS, where on earth did you work?

When you say 'fanny', do you mean in the English or the American sense?

Ooooh, where do I start?

There was the one who used to wank on the desks of the girls he fancied (he was caught in the act of, err, depositing, when another colleague came in early). Amazingly he didn't get sacked. Oh no. He did it to three more women before they sacked him (he wanked into the desk drawer of one of them and covered all of her stuff in jizz). He also (apparently) used to talk to his cock in the loo, according to a male colleague.

There was the one who used to walk round the window ledges, round a quadrangle, three floors up. He also used to hide in the basement, sitting on one of the large pipes near the ceiling, jump down and go "waaaaah!" and run off whenever the maintenance man appeared.

Another who used to vault over everyone's desk to get to his, at the back of an open plan office. If you got in before him, you had to duck or would get kicked in the face.

I also used to work with two men who used to try and poke me in the fanny when I was leaning over a desk (a common occurrence as there weren't enough chairs or desks for everyone). They used to shout "Gooooaaaal!" if they thought they got it in.

Oh and the one who always, always used to comment on my tits. I had had enough of him one day, was wearing a lowish top, grabbed his head and stuffed it into my cleavage, shouting, "Have a closer look, why don't you?" He didn't make any more comments...

I don't think I have worked with any really strange women.

Interesting thread! Marking to come back later.

This was about 10 years ago, before most people had fast internet at home.

The office manager was looking for something on the server, when she came across a file labelled something innocuous like 'accounts'. She opened it up and found loads of pictures of semi-clad ladies in, er, compromising positions The folder was in an area of the server only accessed by a particular team of two blokes, and the 'last modified' dates showed they had all been downloaded at 8:30/9pm, when the office was usually empty, so somebody had clearly been spanking the monkey after hours.

The culprit eventually turned out to be the MD's son

Though for a while, suspicion had fallen on his colleague, who afterwards protested hotly, "I can't believe they thought it was me. Surely everyone knows I prefer hardcore!"

My boss's father aged 93 - known as the Chairman- comes into our office every day and sits at a desk reading the paper before either going to his club for lunch or taking over the tea room for the afternoon. He is actually quite sweet and makes me laugh because he is too old to be politically correct. I have seen him in the street berating young women for smoking. He told me that having 2 DC's wasn't enough to be a "proper family". ( He has 5 sons). I don't always feel like being in the tea room with him as he sucks his sandwich very slowly and loudly.

Mythical - maybe your colleague has a stutter? Most people who do stutter find that they don't when they sing. Just a thought. Not saying it's not a little odd though! :)

Hmmmm

The one who begged and pleaded not to be sacked this morning (for not turning up for his shift over the weekend), only to quit halfway through his shift today, apparently because as a boss, I make him do the bits of his job that he doesn't want to do, like turn up at the proper time.

The one who told me that he had a condom in his wallet with my name on it

The one who insisted that all the staff turn up for work on xmas eve wearing short red nighties, so we could be Mrs Santas!

The one who turned up to work pissed as a fart, and expected NOT to be sacked.

The other one who turned up high on coke...two days after the one above got sacked.

The one who crashed a vehicle, attempted to cover up what he'd done, and tried to blame everyone else.

The one that wouldn't wash...either himself or his clothes

There's loads!

My colleague has put every test print and activity report from the fax/printer, for the last 10 years in my intray/handbag/lunchbox etc - apart from the ones I've put in his helmet and under his seat that is.

The woman who turned up high as a kite after an all nighter with a 'famous man', got on all fours on the md's desk and asked him to please fuck her now! All before morning tea.

The man, who after large business dinner in very posh restaurant, flossed at the table. While clients were still eating.

I have one who permanently wears a black beret because his hair is thinning. He sometimes arrives a full hour before he is supposed to start work. I asked him why and gather it is to save on heating etc but he even does it in the Summer.

At works Do's in the past he rushes up at the end and takes everything away from the Buffet in plastic bags without asking.

He hates throwing anything away and takes no notice of sell by dates. I've seen him actually get stuff out of the bin someone has chucked out for being past the sell by date, shouting in horror. He is obsessed with Martin Lewis price savers website and moans if he has to spend any money.
One Christmas he bought his relatives a MAGAZINE each.

Despite having a car he carries a rucksack and several bags into work as if he is going on a weekend break every day.

I actually get on quite well with him on the whole! Worrying.

The custard-drinker wins! And I thought I worked with weirdos.

The guy who carried a briefcase containing nothing except a silver-framed A4 photograph of Gillian Anderson (the redhead from X-Files). The picture went up on whichever desk he was working at. He also chatted to it. Quite sweet really ...

I have one who drinks custard every day, instead of tea or coffee. But that's just the tip of the iceberg tbh. She's as mad as a hatter!