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tell me about your oddest colleague?

359 replies

StealthPolarBear · 19/09/2011 21:59

Past or present.
We used to have one who would pick his ears and then make the coffee, it used to have bits floating in the top.

OP posts:
Ilovedaintynuts · 20/09/2011 14:38

When I was much younger I worked with a woman with terrible psoriasis. Obviously can be an awful affliction. However she would scratch and scratch and scratch all day until her whole desk/computer/keyboard/ floor was 3 inches deep in skin scales. On the occasion you had to go to her desk you knew you would come away with a coating. Poor woman.

FloydieDoydie · 20/09/2011 14:30

I'm sure they aren't Abs Smile, I've met some lovely ones too

AbsDuWolef · 20/09/2011 14:27

FYI, not all South Africans are as barking as the ones mentioned on this thread.

Thank you for your time

filibear · 20/09/2011 14:25

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

FloydieDoydie · 20/09/2011 14:21

We had a temp to do filing, he was in his 50s and had been top level manager in the city before having a nervous breakdown. He stank of BO (proper raw onion smell - vom) and carried a briefcase to work every day with his sandwiches in....until one day we spotted he also had a hunting knife in there. We mentioned this to our manager and thankfully he never retuned.

A bloke who insisted on wearing his camoflage kilt on dress down Fridays, with sandals (no socks) - even in the depths of winter. On normal days, he would change from trousers and shoes into his kilt and sandals to walk home in. A colleague told me she couldn't look him in the eye after he put his foot up on the edge of the desk opposite her to do up his sandals one evening, and got an eyeful of bare testicles

A lady who insists on singing showtunes and high-kicking her way around the office, but thinks nothing of shushing everyone else in a very rude way.

God - the KFC bones thing reminded me of a South African colleague and (thankfully ex)housemate of mine; she was VILE. She cooked all her meat and fish on a George Foreman grill, but despite using it twice a day never cleaned it. It stank to high heaven - it was caked in grease and chunks of meat and fish. She used to use it before work to cook her lunch on and she smell used to make me vomit in the mornings. I started working an earlier shift to avoid it! She had no sense of food hygiene and would defrost meat straight onto the counter - but she imagined she was really clean; she used manky dishcloths over and over again for weeks on end (until me or our other housemate would throw them away) so we always had to re-clean the counters etc. She just used to wipe the stuff onto the floor, and we had to clean that up. The real shocker was the eggs....she always bought those massive trays of cheap value eggs, as she ate eggs with everything (fried usually). Anyway, me and our other housemate noticed once that these eggs were over a week out of date - and she was still eating them. She then went home to South Africa for 6 weeks, leaving the eggs in the cupboard. When she came home, we expected her to throw them out - but she didn't...she ate three more of them first. And she wondered why she had bad guts?! She also had quite bad BO, probably because all her clothes were polyester and only ever washed on a quick wash at a low temperature. Most people at work would be very shocked if I revealed the full truth about her George Forman habits etc....!

Smile
Justfeckingdoit · 20/09/2011 14:03

So so many!

We also had a phantom shitter in one of our offices. Not so phantom and after a spectacular poo-gate where a cock and balls were drawn on the wall they were transferred to the head office. Why? So we could share in the joy?

Hence poo-gate 2 with a perfect turd in front of the entrance to one of the floors. The cleaners put a bucket over it and csi type "danger" tape around it.

Half the office had their photo taken next to the crime scene.

The perpetrator did eventually get fired. But for fiddling their expenses, not the shitting.

Gotta love my company :)

CalatalieSisters · 20/09/2011 14:00

Blimey. I came on to post about the man who always wore shorts and sandals even in midwinter. I see now that that is pretty tame, and I vow never to give up my home-alone freelancer status.

IrmaMuthafucker · 20/09/2011 13:49

The woman who's interpretation of smart business attire was a grubby hot pink sateen suit with matching jacket. Her head was not unlike one of those trolls you used to get in Clinton Cards. That coupled with the "Barbie on crack" look was an arresting sight in a sea of muted pinstripe.

Bearskinwoolies · 20/09/2011 13:44

Worked with a guy in the BTP who managed to get to the rank of Inspector. Was a proper nut job, constant sexual harrassment, used to try and feel you up, wanted to know if you were wearing stockings under your uniform skirt etc. Had a lovely habit of sneaking up behind you and sticking a pre-licked finger in your ear, or trying to pull up your skirt.

He resigned (before he could be sacked) after two seperate incidents with two wpcs on the same night.

LaWeasel · 20/09/2011 13:34

Thankfully I haven't worked with nearly as many strange strange people as you lot have!

The oddest I think was a manager who, as an example of his outstanding moral character REHIRED a guy he'd fired for phoning sex lines at work! Later when one of the women decided to leave the company he started sexually harrassing her in a really blatant way, including sending her naked photographs of himself. He was truly vile. (The woman won her tribunal against him btw!)

KenDoddsDadsDog · 20/09/2011 13:32

Toxic thinster, drinks protein shakes. Has to leave work last as thinks it makes her more important. Only holidays in America as somehow thinks it's common to go to Europe. Head to toe polyester suits - only buys clothes in the next sale. I could go on but I'm boring myself ...

ChunkyMonkeyMother · 20/09/2011 13:30

Oh dear - These are HILARIOUS, I love the Dorothy whore one and WHO gets off on smearing poop all over the walls? Apart from my potty training DS ...

I once worked in an electric goods shop, a small shop in a big chain - We used to have a massive stock room with big TVs and Fridgefreezer boxes so lots of cubby holes and hidey spaces, used to have a lad who was a few years older than I was (16) who used to shout me and tell me he needed help to move such and such - I'd get upstairs and he'd be wanking - Once he actually stripped down to his birthday suit - I had a few flutterings with him but generally used to walk away - 6 years later he is the manager at a brand new mega-store of the same chain, I belly laughed when one of the saturday girls was telling me all about the size of his stock room ... Not that impressive if I remember correctly!

But its always the quiet ones, another guy I worked with has been arrested for being part of a pedophile ring - Now if you'd have told me it was the first guy I'd have said "Yes, I fully believe it" but not this guy - really shook me up!

stepawayfromtheecclescakes · 20/09/2011 13:22

my gay work colleague used to announce he was going to 'drop the kids off' when he went to the loo i was Confused until he explained it was a reference to the days before safe sex...

JetLi · 20/09/2011 13:19

The shift manager who developed a lazy lob whenever we had a particularly difficult IT problem in the data centre. He would stand behind you with his half-erection at the level of your shoulder. Didn't mess with it or owt, but you could spot it a mile off.
Otherwise he was a really smashing chap Grin

Planetofthegrapes · 20/09/2011 13:18

One colleague used to regale us with the trials and tribulations of his step-daughter who had run away from home and hooked up with a crack-dealer in South London.

You could have heard a pin drop when he shouted out "So she's got syphillis", when he was on the phone.

Bearskinwoolies · 20/09/2011 13:17

Babyheave I wish! I currently work for a public transport company, so only posted the weirdos from there. I'll have a think about the ones I used to work with in pharmacy, and also in the police service.

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2011 13:14

more more!

OP posts:
IrmaMuthafucker · 20/09/2011 13:05

"The whore Dorothy scaring the kids"

thatgirlsevil · 20/09/2011 12:59

I worked with a girl who was well into LARP (live action role play)...basically dressing up as a sexy unicorn or some shit and fannying about in a field for a weekend. She invited myself and a few other colleagues to her birthday party in a pub where she took us up to see her 'living quarters'. The whole room was just covered in stacks of fetish wear, crockery and piles and PILES of cat shit. It stank to the high heavens and gave me the dry boak.

She was dressed as a sort of medieval wench with the tightest corset imaginable so her areola were actually on show...her cake was actually based on her breasts and at one point she shoved them in it and allowed fellow LARPERS to lick the frosting off as her Husband fucked her with his eyes...it was seriously creepy. Her presents were, um...interesting. I was most impressed by the fact that she received about 6 bottles of authentic Mead, all from different friends.

I worked with another colleague who was a bona fide mentalist and when we had a fancy dress day she wore a costume that basically looked like a porno version of Dorothy from The Wizard of Oz (the tiniest gingham pinafore imaginable, push up bra turned all the way up to 11 and great big fuck-off glittery red stilletos, frilly white ankle socks and red lipstick!)

I should probably mention that I was the Manager at a certain childrens stuffed toy shop (truly unBEARable) and she spent the morning walking her Toto on rollerskates at the front of the store and literally screaching pleasantries at passers by until I had to break it to her that somebody had complained about "the whore Dorothy scaring the kids".

Miggsie · 20/09/2011 12:58

The one who would ring his wife during the day to check she'd loaded the dishwasher correctly....among other things. To this day I think he was an emotional abuser. He was definitely a bully.

The bloke who had very greasy long hair, a lot of stubble and very hairy legs who would wear a dress to work every day with Doc Martens and nothing on his legs, hence I know about the hairness. On Burns night/day he'd wear a kilt.

The one who was sacked for stuffing ladies' knickers down the tolilets and blocking them. All the knickers were stolen off washing lines. Not in my department, thank God.

The man who stared at your tits while talking to you, he was very short so basically was directly in line with most women's breasts, but even so...he also played pocket billiards a LOT.

AbsDuWolef · 20/09/2011 12:46

"hard cheese" woman also used to refer to everyone as "sweetie" and "honey" on conference calls. It was awful - we were in an open plan office and she'd be on these longs calls so for an hour you'd hear
"Hi, yes, this is the [blah blah serious work] call. I hi sweetie! How are things? That's so lovely dear" "Now honey, you can't do that, I don't think the system specifications are quite right. Now [this was my favourite], I'm going to stop talking for a minute so that you can all make comments or ask questions" "okay my lovelies, that is great".

This was not in a nursery school, it was in an investment bank.

StealthPolarBear · 20/09/2011 12:35

PMSL at these, especially the email ending "so hard cheese"
I really want to use that now in a formal letter

OP posts:
SnakeOnCrack · 20/09/2011 12:35

goats, is he Irish? That's just what we do, put "so" at the end of some sentences - ok so. Or maybe he's picked it up from visiting Ireland or something..

IrmaMuthafucker · 20/09/2011 12:23

One man worked for the company since school, in the same role and was rather set in his ways. When he was transferred to my office he arrived with a large cardboard box containing spare shoes (with shoe stretcher thingies), jacket (with hanger) and various homemade manuals which would occasionally be referred to with a weary flourish. At 10.30am on the dot he would go for his morning ablousions and lunch was at noon regardless of whether we were busy or quiet. He also kept his tea bags in a wash bag in the gents loo.

The woman who was 54 but told everyone she was early 30s who was going to have a baby. From Jesus. She also apparently had several postgraduate qualifications including in IT but she could not work the computer. She also claimed to be able to speak Spanish and once talked to a Portugeuse customer in this "Spanish" because "ees just necks door". She could not speak Spanish or even English (her native language was Italian). Apparently I was racist for insisting she speak English to our English speaking customers Hmm She also complained to HR because I "shows no concern for staff crossing the road". There was no road in the office or requirement to cross any roads at work. She got very upset when I had to invite her to a disciplinary meeting and wrote to her home address because "now you know where I live you can follow me home". I pointed out if I was going to follow her home I would just follow her home but that I wouldn't as a) I was not a nutter b) I had no interest in her what so ever out of work and why would I be arsed?

goatshavestrangeeyes · 20/09/2011 12:07

There is a man i work with bless him he's quite lovely really but he ALWAYS says the word 'so' at the end of a sentence. For example

Me; "Ian did you have a good weekend"
Him; "Yeah was really good thanks, so."

I'm like so what?? Secretly his name is so Ian hehe.

He also has a thai bride!

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