tell me about your oddest colleague?

You'd think in publishing you'd meet loads of weirdos but alas nothing like as good as some of these. But in terms of PSers, I did work with a women (who I'm pretty sure was an alcoholic, she smelled of booze most mornings) who would not touch anything in the bathroom as she would 'get germs from everyone else".

This meant she would piss all over the seat as she wouldn't sit down - but not wipe it up, shit (mostly) in the loo but not flush or clean it, put tampax down but again not flush it, and after washing her hands she'd leave the (non-automatic) taps on so they would run until next person came in. Her poos stank of alcohol as well, just vile. She was totally unapologetic about her behaviour and expected us lot, who were 'less sensitive to germs' to clear up after her.

She was also one of the most senior members of the company, single and in her 50s, and at the office party she got roaringly drunk and hit on one of the junior sales team. He was a big bluff rugby guy (but still only 22 or so) and was horrified as she physically attacked him - grabbing at his nipples, zip, sitting on his lap, rubbing up against him like a cat on heat. It was serious sexual harrassment but because he was a guy no-one did anything about it.

To be fair to the CEO, her days were marked after that.

Not nearly as odd as some on here, but one (IT of course) guy would buy wine gums from the vending machine every day and chart the colours in excel to see if he could prove black ones weren't as prevalent

@Fru@ - Yeah, that outrageous sense of entitlement is an issue all of its own! As to whether she did it at home, who knows, but the original "phantom shitter" concept reminded me of a previous MN string starting with somebody AIBUing to expect cleaners, at £14/hr, to not have a "no toilets" policy.

I have another colleague - from ages ago. He was a columnist in a weekly newspaper, all kinds of issues: thought he was god's gift, constantly sexually harrassing, frequently drunk. When he eventually got sacked, he stormed about the place proclaiming that the [ethnic] community [that the paper served] will be rocked to its foundations!". (It wasn't, and it took him a while to get another job at a lesser paper).

OK, still not odder than most of the people I've read about here, but I'm rather proud of this next bit: one day he was showing off how much money he had in his wallet. Fortunately he took a while going around the room so I had time to think up a stinger.

"Look, I'll bet you never saw 1,500 in a wallet before".
"No, Mike, not in somebody else's wallet".

I got a lift home from one colleague after a night shift. Another car started tail-gating and flashing their headlights, swerved around behind us, tried to overtake on the shoulder of the road. A bit scary, they were being really dangerous.

When we stopped at a red light and they were behind us, still flashing their lights (btw, colleague had been driving normally the whole time), colleague popped the boot, got out of the car. I turned around to see what she was going to do and she had a baseball bat! God knows why she had it. She smashed their windscreen, put the bat back in the boot, got in the car and said "that should stop them bothering us."

I didn't know what to say, so we didn't ever mention it again. She was v normal, we became friends, went out to the pub etc. Never saw her act in anyway similar ever again. And never found out why she kept a baseball bat in her boot.

I am rubbish at doing links but I really want to link this thread to another in AIBU asking "why on earth do some women want to be SAHM's?".

After reading all this I want to resign on Monday and NEVER NEVER NEVER work again!

Just remembered another. Went on a work trip overseas for 4 or 5 days with 3 colleagues. One had serious gum disease. He told us he had been to the dentist but his gums would just bleed (so he had blood pouring down his front top teeth) and he couldn't tell. Myself and another colleague used to fight to sit next to him at meals (rather than opposite) so we couldn't see. We also often had to tell him (subtly) in front of clients he was bleeding. In fact the words most echoed on the trip were 'xxxx you're bleeding'. Urghh.

Also there was a lot of driving (in a car) involved so we used to constantly pass round smints to try and get him to have one. I hope he got it sorted.

Ive got a few. Firstly the bloke who was on his third time lucky after sufferring from throat cancer, still on 50 a day! He stunk of cigs too. He'd smoke them that quick that when he came back in the office we might aswell have shared it with him. Anyway, like I say he stunk and it wasn't just cigarette smell. He was foul. He'd live down south but work up north, he told us he stayed in a hotel but we saw him regularly sleeping in his car. I was at a Westlife concert once (yes Westlife) front row and swooning, when a picture message came through. One of the lads had found his tooth, an actual tooth, on the office floor, took a picture and sent it to me. Put me right off my concert. On his night shifts he'd take the opportunity to cut his toe nails and leave the clippings all over the floor. This guy was seriously revolting. Oh yeah and he was crusty. I know its a medical thing but he constantly itched and flaked EVERYWHERE!
Another in the same office would pick his nose and ears and just taste to see if everything was ok. He would come in with his porridge spilt down his jumper every day. When he sneezed he wouldn't cover his mouth/nose because "it wasn't germs it was hayfever". He would brew up and hand you the cuppa, half way though something would hit your lips. It was the teabag! On the rare occasion he removed the teabag he would leave it in the sink even though the bin was closer?? I can't do this guys wierdness justice I don't think, its something you have to see. Loveable but truly odd. Oh and he has the same holiday to Thailand every January and by paying the "ladies" he was contributing to their familys well being and of course the economy. Disgusting.

MarinaIvy. "She seemed to think it was her right to do what she liked and the cleaners' - ahem - duties to clean it up"

That's seriously weird, isn't it? I mean it sounds as though your friend's PSer had quite logically thought it out (well, apart from the fact it's a disgusting thing to do and a disgusting thing for other people to see/clear up). But who goes into the loo at work and thinks "hmm, now where am I going to 'deposit' today?"

I bet she didn't do it in her own home.

our boss is a serious 'i've done one better than you' his stories are hilarious, gives us something to talk about for hours.....eg if you say I've been to Tenerife he'll have been to Elevenarife!!!!!

I've a few, nothing as odd as some though. :-)

The temp who was on his third chance for randomly taking sick days, doing crappy work and falling asleep at his desk who came in on casual Friday wearing a t-shirt saying "Fuck you".

The schizophrenic lady who went off her meds regularly and when she did would:

• bang her keyboard when typing so hard that it had to be replaced about once a month
• complain to the manager that the other staff were dancing on their desks, making passes at her (eh, no), singing too loudly while they worked etc
• write letters to the wives of male colleagues telling them that she was in love with their husband and that they were having an affair and that he was going to leave the wife for her
• show up on the doorstep of above wives/ male colleagues ranting and crying and trying to attack the wife

The delusional porter who believed that he was some kind of secret agent and when we made a point of asking him what he got up to at the weekend would say stuff like:

• I was trying out a new supercar for the British government, drove to Spain and back just to give it a good run
• I got married to a pilot and we flew to Marrakech for the weekend
• its top secret I can't talk about it

A variation on the theme of colleagues bringing dogs into work - I work with a woman who brings her deceased dog's ashes to work in a little wooden box kept in a supermarket carrier bag.

And I was the weird colleague who collected everyone else's rubbish so I could take it home & recycle it. And went round switching off all the electrics at the end of the day. When I started the job my colleagues mocked me, but by the time I left, even the most entrenched thrower-outer had started recycling things even at home.

A pleasantly eccentric colleague used to pace the office saying 'I'm tired and weary of this world' and making various animal noises. We used to egg him on. He was quizmaster for the Friday BBC quiz, and people who were on holiday or off sick would often ring in so they could participate.

One woman never wore a bra - unfortunately she was quite old and had very saggy breasts which ended somewhere around her navel. She dressed in dreadful baggy sacks of clothes and never wore makeup or made herself look nice. Her boss was a very glam woman who bought her suits from John Lewis lines and wore loads of makeup. I was interviewed by the two together and was really confused as to what the dress standard of the organisation was.

A dear old Oxbridge gentleman held some public meetings in a rough area where the school kids shot at the council officers' car wheels with air rifles. He said how refreshing it was that the art of catapult shooting was still in use amongst the young.

One temp drew pictures and doodles all over consultation responses which she was photocopying to give to senior councillors.

Another temp explained at length that she thought that the world should be more understanding towards paedophiles as they probably inherited a taste for young children from the middle ages when everyone got married in their teen years.

Another temp would huff and puff and get cross whenever she had to answer the phone and would be really rude to the caller. It was an admin / receptionist type post.

We finally got a very normal, competent, diligent student temp to fill the job and one day she rang in to say she'd had to go to the police station to give a statement about an incident for which she'd been a witness. She never returned. The agency never managed to trace her and she never contacted them either. She ignored or un-friended all the colleagues who were friends with her on facebook.

One headteacher was lovely and very over-worked, but had to water all the pot plants in the school and change all the printer cartridges himself.

I've had some bad 'uns but nothing to match what I've been reading! So my main contribution is:

Over lunch today with a friend who's a facilities manager for a large law firm, I mentioned the Phantom Shitters I've been reading about. Apparently his place had one (a female), but it stopped when the most likely culprit was talked to sternly. Your mileage may vary with your own, but this seemed to be the issue with his PSer: she seemed to think it was her right to do what she liked and the cleaners' - ahem - duties to clean it up.

Simple as that. In theory. Oh, I'm sure there's something deeper to it, of course, but that was the base, as opposed to "whoops, missed" or being artistic, etc.

It was so awful the BBC (I think) made a documentary about it. It really got to me.

Yes, in Oswestry. Really, really horrible :(

Oh MarKettle that wasn't the guy who killed his daughter and wife and shot the dogs and horses too was it?

If so I remember it. Awful.

I've just remembered another one. Perv boss years ago. He used to entertain married ladies in his office every Friday afternoon, he would lock his door and tell us not to disturb him.
The colour scheme of his office was yellow and dark blue - it was the 90s!
when we had meetings in his office, if you sat on the sofa, it had white stains on it - boak.
We used to strech the yellow throw over them - urgh!!

His deputy manager used to look at porn sites while he was supposed to be training teenangers in job skills. If you went to speak to him he would hurriedly minimize the screen.

Ok. I have a few. Advertising in the 90s

The production temp who turned up having obviously hugely lied on her (fantastic) CV about her age and many other things. She was 60 odd yrs old and very frail physically but had a character of steel and some bizarre ways. She had this really screetchy loud voice that whistled through her false teeth and she would not do an ounce of work, just talked about her "sugar daddies" and stay on the phone calling friends, filling up her desk with toy chickens and she scared the clients so much we nearly lost so much business. We only kept her for as long as we did as we were seriously desperate and she was available immediately (wonder why). When she finally got the tin tac she spent the last day literally screaming on the phone about what a "shit cunting company" we were and how she may apply for a job as McDonalds next as she had been fired from so many jobs.

One of the company directors asked me to do some voiceover work. Being young, pretty and hugely gullable I didn't ask for payment for this but accepted his offer to take me to dinner instead (I know I know). I was 19 and fresh faced he was about 60 and looked like Mike Read. He took me to The Savoy and proceeded to get more and more horribly pissed at the American bar. I was so embarrassed and wanted to just leave. He told me his wife was taking medication that put her off sex and said he had booked a room. He got really forceful about it at one point and I ended up running away from him screaming down the back streets of covent garden.

The chairman's office was opposite my desk. He used to call me up and tell me he was imagining fucking me and watch me through the window and rub his cock. That man harassed me to the point it was unbearable. Every year his wife would bring a new baby in to the office.

I have lots more but it would blatantly out me. Most of them are of a sexual nature

BalloonSlayer That I can understand but my boss has never been pregnant. She has hinted at eating disorders though. :(

Great bloody thread. Marking my place to come back and share my contribution!

I worked with someone once who ate the same thing every day for the whole 4 years I was there. Boiled chicken breast, boiled spuds and iceburg lettuce.

She was late regularly because she didn't want her freshly boiled spuds to wilt her lettuce

Paws - !!!!!!

Oooh I forgot the partner at the firm of solicitors where I worked who kicked my office door in.

I worked in a specialist team of about 10-12 lawyers - one lunchtime it was some occasion or other and everyone bar me in the team had gone out to a lunch. I stayed behind because I had to get a witness statement exchanged by 2pm and was on the phone finalising it with the client.

I could hear phones ringing outside but obviously was on the phone and couldn't pick up. This particular colleague on a different floor was not known for courtesy and patience and became irate that no-one was picking up the phone to deal with his "urgent" query.

So he marched up to our floor, saw me sat at my desk behind a closed door ..... and literally kicked the door in. Only he kicked a little harder than even he intended and the whole thing swung off onto just one hinge. Then he just stood there boiling with rage, bright red and sweaty, staring at my broken door.

Being a fucking miracle worker quite efficient I was able to finish the statement, exchange it, then deal with Red Face's urgent query (which wasn't urgent at all). He was pretty chastened when he realised why I was the only one there and did mutter a quiet "sorry about the door" as he skulked out.