Reality in the adverts Vs real life

Also, in adverts, people communicate. Verbally. No gazing at a screen (whether computer, gameboy, mobile or TV) in an adult version of parallel play. Time spent at home alone, abandoned by DH and DCs is always exciting/blissful, instead of sometimes lonely and boring.

Love the blood-covered children!

My pet hate is how people in adverts only ever have one issue. Either the floor is dirty or the fridge stinks. The countertops are never piled with bills, bits of paper you've got to recycle, two half-done lists (one of them lost in the rubble), things you can't recycle but there's no room for them in the bin, documents you've got to send someone recorded so can't just pop them in the post, receipts which need to be saved to claim expenses, laptop in sleep mode so MNing can be resumed immediately the family piss off. Only in Ikeaworld are storage and clutter matters addressed, but in such a way as to still have an organised life with no issues.

The work that is still required by labour-saving devices is not acknowledged, either. I love having a dishwasher, and use it too much, but I hate the bastard job of emptying it. Ditto the washing machine. Ready meals come in packaging that can't be recycled, so it goes in the bin - oops, bin is full.

I am currently missing our vehicle registration form (again) and a stack of bills that I need to do things with before filing them. (not pay them, thank goodness).

I menstruate blue liquid. My baby also wee's blue liquid.

You go out to lunch with your friends (in a scene channelling Sex and The City) and the only topic of conversation is the constipation one of you is suffering from.

Yes I have been known to talk utter shit while with my mates but not you know, literally. I don't think I have ever discussed my bowel habits with anyone other than MWs.

Everyones garden looks perfect apart from the grass?
Or it's just the weeds,

Lw

Carol Vorderman is likable, credible and trustworthy......

I also detest the smug Emirates adverts on Sky before the weather, but noticed they dropped the sugar/snow one. (maybe because it looked suspiciously like cocaine, not that I'm suggesting that anyone who could afford to fly First-Class with Emirates would ever entertain titivating their nostrils whilst cruising at 30,00-ft...)

and if you aren't using said Denture fix stuff, whilst on the big wheel together, your Dentures could fall right out of your mouth and clamp themselves onto the head of an innocent passer by.

You will spend £5 on a whitener that doesn't work to use on your DCs school polo shirts when they are £3 for 3 in the shops.

You need to understand advertese

"bloating" means farting

"slow digestive transit" means constipation

So if you can't shit but fart all the time, Martine McCutcheon is what you need.

• if you spill 2L of liquid over the floor, you will only try to mop it up using one square of kitchen roll (actually this is true of my DH but not for normal people). You may also be in drag.

• if a shop assistant is sneering at you for wearing a ridiculous woolly hat and daring to aspire to a pair of fuck-me shoes, removing said hat and swishing a frankly alarmingly unnatural red dye job at her will show the bitch who's queen.

Groups of friends pour over perfectly average looking stones, demanding to hear yet another holiday story. Imagine the mirth when one of those stones turns out to be full of stinky poison airfreshener! Good times.

Old fashioned stinky poison air fresheners just do not fit with the mass-produced vases you bought from the Next Directory. They like, totally clash with your twigs'n'pebbly shit "look". Best buy the new stinky poison airfreshener, cunningly hidden in a She-Wee - it'll blend right in.

One of you is wearing dentures

It takes two hands to lift a BigMac as it soooo enormous.

Sky news always put the Emirates ad on every break with the air stewardess with the most hauntingly beautiful face having hot coffee over Hong Kong. It really gets on your nerves being on so much. But I would rather have an experienced older one looking after me on a flight.

When going to your friend's new immaculate, pristine house, you for some inexplicable reason take an air freshener with you. Instead of shouting "WTF? Are you saying my gaff stinks?", your friend smiles beatifically, plugs it in and the pair of you spend the rest of the day smelling the room in silence.

That the DFS sale must end on Monday. And then start again on Tuesday, but they don't say that obviously...

We all eat Dolmio once a week. On a specific day.

Your dh is using the latest one-click computer technology to hide history, and he's using it to find the perfect present for you.

Yeah right.

Once you get past a certain age, every single time you cough or laugh you will leak a little bit of pee onto your tight trousers.

Macdonalds burgers are made in a rural idyll by happy cows grazing freely in fields.

As well as talking about aforementioned bloating, we all chat about insurance quotes with our friends until an annoying little man with an eccentric mustache bursts in on us. We stare at him wryly, rather than get up and leave in a huff.

we all mop our ridiculously manky floors by doing a big diagonal swipe across the scum, thereby allowing us to compare the dirt vs. the gleam.

(this one gets me the most) we all lie down to nap on our beds which have no linen on.......I know they are advertising matresses but how idotic!!

I apologise for using the dreaded !! but am

Having limescale on your toilet is a crime akin to giving meth to toddlers at softplay.

Beautiful models eat chocolate. Slightly plump women eat yoghurt.

Non fat women with body issues eat Special K to fit into garish bright red dress, achieving this is orgasmic.

No one punches Cheryl Baker but I can hope

The best way to clean your very dirty cooker/sink/bath is to spray with cleaning product and wipe veeeeeery gently. Don't rub hard, just skim over the surface with your beautifully clean cloth and marvel at the stripe of gleaming surface that appears!