Reality in the adverts Vs real life

Holiday and tourist board adverts always make me larf:

'Where will Ireland take you?'

Advert answer - to chat to kindly fisherman in Guernsey sweaters as they cheerfully mend their nets, whistling a merry jig all the while. Then off to the pub for a ceilidh and a glass of the black stuff. To be sure.

Real answer - down a seven mile single-track lane, supported in places by oil drums, ending up at a slightly sinister empty farm. Cos funnily enough, 'turn left where Jamsie used to live' is not the best beginning to detailed directions. Eventually find the pub but gradually realise all the songs are rebel or famine songs and feel obliged to drunkenly sob apologies on behalf of your country.

'Visit Scotland - Surprise yourself'

Advert picture: Oh look! There are those fishermen again - only this time they're whistling a Scottish jig. Watch as two good-looking yet impossibly bland actors, at least one wearing a sweater over their shoulders, stroll romantically around the loch, row across laughing and point at old castles.

Real Picture - Midges make walking round the loch into a screaming itch-fest and nothing says romance like angry weals. The only surprise is that new shade of corned-beef blue your legs have turned in the wind. You take to drink, leading to an awkward scene at the Whisky Still Tour.

That every scratch card is a winner and they explode ticker tape all over the place but no one is all that interested.

That your heat damaged, split ended, lank, lifeless hair will instantly be cured and look beautiful, voluminous and swishy in just 60 seconds after using a tiny amount of conditioner (that will cover your whole head and give you an orgasm at the same time!)

That after having a boob job the only thing people will notice about you is your smile

Nobody who has magnetic plastic letters on their fridge ever writes "bum", "poo" or "tits" with them.

The dog leaves dirty footprints on the kitchen floor, so you whip out yer mop and it's sparkly clean again.

This ignores:

A) You have a muddy footed dog in your hall/living room etc, so have a lot more rooms left to clean.
B) The dog will come to see what you're doing, leaving fresh footprints on the bit you've cleaned, and try to drink your mop water/lick the squirty cleaner.
C) When you've removed the dog and are done mopping a child will appear and demand a drink/food only accessible over wet flooring.
D) Once it's all dry, the dog will want to go outside again. Where it will get muddy feet.

Buying one product will magically get rid of the months worth of laundry, screaming kids, dirty dishes and your money problems. It also turns your world from a slightly grey hue to lovely bright normality.

Facial scrubs can be washed off with a playful splash. The water will not run down your sleeves and you will not end up with little bits in your hair.

oh yes the bloody teeth one!

That advert with me in it:

"Have you cleaned your teeth this morning?"

"Yes"

"Are you sure?"

"I beg your pardon? Are you trying to tell me my teeth are dirty? How bloody dare you, you little shit. Let me tell you something right now . . . "

Unseen voice "Cut!"

mushypeas

The ones that annoy me are the Moneylending/credit institutions pretending that they will help sort out your financial problems if your money has run out before payday. The reality is that they charge around 2-4,000% interest to their unsuspecting victims.

Also, if a man stopped me and asked to check the bacteria levels on my teeth for a toothpaste ad I'd tell him to get lost . . .

I love Psammead's ads and am jumping on the bandwagon!

Mumsnet Advert ? Sanitary Protection

A confident, unconventionally attractive women of indeterminate age (somewhere between teen and menopausal) is pushing a shopping trolley down the toiletries aisle of her closest supermarket. She?s not wearing white linen trousers, because face it ? who does the weekly shop in those even when they're not leaking blood from a bodily orifice? She strides purposefully past the shelves, groaning under the weight of packets of sanitary pads. She strides on further, past the multi-coloured boxes of tampons and takes not a second glance. Her head is held high and she doesn?t pause for a second as she pushes the trolley off-screen.

The screen cuts to the smiling women holding a Mooncup box.

Slogan: Don?t wrap your money up in a few sheets of toilet paper and chuck it in the bathroom bin; get over the fear of sticking your fingers in your fanjo and just buy a bloody Mooncup!

MadameDeathstare.... thankfully the child who wandered over to see why my laptop was screaming wasn't the one who can read as explaining condoms to a 5 year old was not on my list of things to do today

Same darling child found the ad very amusing...... he's personally adopted the practice of shouting 'Mommy, don't hurt me' at the top of his voice when he knows he's in trouble in public. He's lucky he made it home today tbh

Madam I bloody love that ad

When teenagers get spots on the morning of a big party, they don't shout or swear and lock themselves in their room and rip up their new outfit in anger, they just go "oh no!" and giggle with their friends, before putting on something that actually doesn't make it go away entirely (because that would be false advertising) but just makes it shrink enough so that they can forget alllll about it and don't ruin the party anyway by dashing to the bathroom every ten minutes to redo their concealer.

MadamDeathstare, that's amazing!

That really smug smuggy McSmug bunch of Smugheads on the Voyage Privee advert are just like you.
I'm sure there should be an accent over the 'e' but I don't know how to do it care.
Everyone but everyone has a big house. Which even if amusingly untidied for our benefit actually bears no resemblance to the real thing.

Does anyone remember this ??

Well it it had been a bit more honest, it would have said this:

This can of coke
oh its taking the piss
Cos its sugary high
Is just too good to miss
Like a break in your teeth
Where the rot has begun
And the several large tyres
Round your portly large tum
And we?re taking control
Of your money and mind
When you drink this brown sugary crap
For the very first time
For the very first time....

I just feel sorry for any advertiser due to come on after the 'gocompare' fat-twat-in-a-mustache ad,cos I've turned it off before the first bellowed note.
Also the similar one for direct line with the gorm who lets people toot the car horn/move the sofa etc.

Slogan - Mumsnet Car. Because From All The Cars You Could Afford In The Second-hand Dealership, You Liked The Colour Of This One Best.

hahahahahahahaha

You can glide down the pavement wearing 6 inch heels when 38 weeks pregnant and still look smug.

(I'm looking at YOU Ms Isabella Bloody Oliver Model)

This is much more fun than actually watching television for the ads, not to mention the crappy linky bits the programmes themselves: aren't they rubbish?.

What about The Economist, with its incredibly aspirational (print only) advertising? Reading The Economist will make you incredibly successful and, moreover, earn you the extra time to read the whole thing, from cover to cover.
.... rather than:
leaving you £££ poorer for buying it every week and leaving it in a pile (still in cellophane wrappers, if you're a subscriber);
taking up piles of extra time managing to read any of it at all (thereby making you a less effective person) and wondering how to parlay their incredibly random subject matter and subjective world-view into "success."

Their advertising also ignores the fact that all the people I have ever met who worked for The Economist were smug weirdos, who didn't seem to have any deadlines!

Psammead

twit that brings back sooo many memories.