The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

Whilst undertaking any car journey always be aware that the actual amount of time you have between a child saying "I feel sick mummy" to actually vomiting is 3.6 seconds.

welcome Becca! was that your first go with the clippers as well?

At least the immaced baby didn't have to go to school.......

When cutting 15 yo DS's hair with clippers, don't forget to put on the plastic comb thingy and start at his temple, giving him a large bald patch. 15 is just the right age to be cool about something like this.

First 'go' on this site! v exciting!

Do not assume that just because your 18 month old is in a cot and will have to negotiate 4 stair gates to get access to the back door that it is safe to leave the dog flap unlocked over night.

You may wake up at 6 am to an empty cot and after frantic searching, find a naked child trying to climb into a four foot deep paddling pool.

Rosemary&Thyme, I just laughed so much I had a coughing fit at you trying to close your pram with the toddler still in it!

Taffeta and TheSkiingGardener - you two as well.

Serin - can your DH not read??!

Don't empower your child by creating a delightful, playful space for its toys and crafts, delineating the space from the surrounding wood floors with a lovely whimsical carpet.

Because what you'll have done, there, is ensure that every single drop of poster paint and playdough lands on the soft carpeting rather than the much easier to clean floors.

Serin you have just made me cry with laughter with the self-tanning wipes. Priceless!

Most brilliant is surely "whatya doin Daddy, are you doin a poo or is it just a farty?" during communion. Well done, Bumps, if you can survive that you can probably survive anything.

Try to remember that it has been 20+ years since your MIL had to monitor a mischievous 14 month old.

She will leave said child in the hall for at least 5 minutes unobserved, during which time said child will find the red gloss paint your dh had finished painting the front door with 2 days previously (and still not put away) and bathe herself, hall walls, radiator, carpet and your favourite handbag (complete with keys and mobile phone) in it.

(not mine, but a friend's)

Do not stand DD2 on a lower chair than her sister, while you ice her birthday cake, thinking she'll be safer. She will lean over to get a better view and fall between the chairs. The violet bruised eye may have exactly matched her dress, but it did nothing for her birth day pictures.

Never take your eye of DD1, ever.
If it can be climbed it be climbed. If it shouldn't be fiddled with it will be.
You could leave her in a room full of toys and she'd be exploring the ornaments on the book case.
Turn your back and she'd be on the dining table or out of the trolly and on the checkout belt. Trees, ladders, walls, railings, swing frames, anything that isn't designed to be climbed by a small girl will be.

She's 13 and she still fiddles with things and she still scrambles onto walls and up trees.

Glitter and children.

Don't. Just...don't...

Don't repeatedly take your child to the GP because its bum and face are bright orange before checking that your DH is using real baby wipes and not self tanning wipes.

Don't allow DH to teach DC rude songs about their classroom assistant however horrid she is, it will be all around school in a jiffy,

"She's fat, She's round, her bum is on the ground, Mrs H, Mrs H"

Never leave bucket of dirty fishtank water in bath, mid tank clean, in direct falling path of toothbrushes & leave DC alone for even a second to their clean teeth - the news you hear a few days later may scar you for life (puke face)

Good MN name that Appalledladders.

at "I work for the government" and other parents thinking that you are a spy. I'm going to tell DS that. It will give credence and gravitas to my pissing about on Mumsnet frequent computer use.

LADDERS?!?!? WTF?

'Passers by', you stupid iPad

When you have a fancy-Dan car with a clicky button thingy and non-opening from the inside doors... do not leave a little DD inside whilst you nip into the shop for milk. The alarm WILL go off and DD will be traumatized (DH I am talking to you)

Do not, then repeat this feat of carelessness at regular intervals throughout their childhoods, resulting in twitchy passengers and appalled ladders by.
The latest was for poor DS (14) today who claims his hearing has been permanently affected and he can't hear me asking him to wash up.

DON'T be persuaded out shopping with a two week old baby after a botched birth and emergency surgery. DON'T then, in your sleep-deprived stupor, then attempt to fold up the pram with the baby still in it - it won't close, no matter how hard you kick it

Never, ever, refer to a cat as "pussy". Especially to a new talker. Suddenly everything will be called pussy - a lady's dog passing by, a squirrel, Daddy.

Never leave your laptop alone with an 18 month old. Young children enjoy the way the keys go "ping" when they flick them off.

Never leave a toddler alone in a room with dining chairs and little tiny chairs. Stacked, they reach the top shelf of the fridge where the chocolate is.

Don't let your children play under your dress (with you wearing it) as a sweet and harmless diversion. They will, one day (read: today) do it in front of visitors, and emerge to say, "Mum, your bum isn't as pretty as your face".

Umm this weekends happenstance- youngest is 12 and should know better lol

Don't let your 12 yr old sit with her leg under the raised foot support of your manually reclining chair. You, occupying said chair, may, having had 3 lovely children, no longer have a bladder that will withstand the hilarity of a whole pink panther movie. Therefore, when howling laughter of 2kids masks the howling cries of the 3rd you will attempt not once but twice to lower said foot rest before you have a tena moment!

And I can confirm it did bruise nicely despite the ice pack and moaning between laughter during the rest of the movie.

Baaaad mother!