The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

Don't let your DD (then 1.8 yrs) crawl into the downstairs loo unsupervised - she came out sucking the loo brush and looking v smug!

Oh & another definate no-no is never leave your new shoes still in the box on floor with bags of silica gel in as this will = trip to A&E with urgent calls to poisons unit (would not have been so bad but middle ds had been to same A&E 7 times with head bumps/cuts ect & they had already asked HV if I was a fit parent :o )

NEVER let your toddler play on his trike at the top of the stairs without a closed stairgate .....

do not assume that your dh, walking several yards ahead, has remembered that he has your lovely 3 yo ds up on his shoulders as he approaches the bus shelter with the overhang plastic roof ....

the bang was heard as far as the village square and ds had an egg the size of a pteranadon's on his forehead .... he still talks about it 2 year later ...

gave me useful ammo in any arguments with dh however...
" you forgot to phone the garage"
" not as bad as bashing our son off a bus shelter is it???"
end of argument

It's not just Toddler + Silence = Bad News. Potty-training toddler + sound of potty scraping across bathroom floor = Very Bad News. Act immediately. Do not sit back and finish your cup of tea. If you wait, you may find that toddler has taken potty into his bedroom (more light, couldn't reach light switch in bathroom), done a big poo (partly in the potty but mostly not), then gone back to the bathroom for loo paper and then run some of his brio trains through the resulting mess.

I needed more than tea after cleaning that lot up!

Don't snigger when your DD comes out of the toilet all ready for school with some white rockets (tampons) hooked over her ears.
When she asks do I look beautiful, taking photo's of her whilst guffawing is not good mothering.

huffy - i sympathise

never buy your 10yo box set dvds of tv shows that you don't like because they will watch them over and over and over again.

i know all the words to all three seasons of Merlin and the first 6 series of Spongebob Arseface Squarepants

Don't let your 9yo go on YouTube to play Forget you by CeeLo Green. She will find the uncensored version, called Fuck you. The verse is repeated c20,000 times during the song. While her 4yo sister is watching with interest.

This thread has me silently crying with suppressed laughter, trying desperately not to wake DS (who will, no doubt, be providing me with similar scenarios when he gets a bit bigger!)

Don't change a full-of-poo nappy while toddler is standing up in the lobby area of the service station loo, even if there is no baby change facility.

The nappy will fall on the floor with a thump, spraying poo everywhere. You will find that the packet of babywipes only has two wipes left - just enough for wiping the toddler's bum. While you are trying frantically to stop toddler from sliding around in the sprayed poo ("Weeeheeee!!") whilst wiping toddler's legs, your hands, the floor, the walls and underside of the basin with bits of loo roll, a snooty middle-aged woman will come in and literally turn green.

Actually that last bit was fun.

Don't be in such a rush to force intransigent shopping trolley into bay of others in order to retrieve £1 deposit.

Especially with toddler still in shopping trolley.

i know, never have moved so fast in my life

he did fall out with me because i did say that he could drive my car. only forgave me when i drove him to the shops to get some chocolate

Do not give toddlers toy wooden hammers if you value your eyes.

Do not assume that because your child can't walk it means he can't climb up to where you keep the washing powder.
After discovering your child's acrobatic talents, always remember to check the washing powder for buried treasure. Failing to do so will result in large washing machine repair bills.

3

when your DN asks if he can drive your car, don't say yes course you can. because you can bet that he will have found your keys, walked to the car and you only know because you can hear your car starting

oh yeah! D'oh! - didn't see that, I was sniggering too hard.

I'd guess she was the DD Thumbwitch

PMSL Honey! (Which one were you, the older or the younger one? )

AAAanddddd we're in Classics! YAY!

Do not repeatedly tell your 3yo DS to stop standing around like a lemon when he's drifted off into another toddler daydream - he WILL choose to repeat it to you at the most inopportune/maximum embarrassment moment possible.

Don't buy a sippy cup that's the same shape and colour scheme as the bottle of PVA glue. You may think DC is drinking his juice when you look over at him but he isn't ...

Do not, whatever you do, succumb to buying the amazing-looking Lego kits. Christmas morning, spent assembling various parts of Hogwarts School out of fiddly plastic, with cryptic instructions, and diagrams drawn by someone with their eyes shut, will Drive You To Drink - or to the verge of insanity, whichever is closer.

Do not buy sticklebricks - or if you must buy them, never walk around barefoot.

The sound of a crying baby outside cannot be ignored on the basis that you know your baby is indoors. Half of him is indoors - the other half is outside, and he is stuck in the cat flap, head first.

When your toddler, who has been tantrumming for nearly an hour, stops suddenly (whilst you are on the phone to your dh in tears because you can't take any more), do check what he is doing. He may be eating left-over tortilla chips from the kitchen bin. However, in this circumstance, and bearing in mind that he'd had a huge, 1.5 hour tantrum the day before, and had only just stopped screaming, I did decide not to stop him eating said tortilla chips. It did him no harm though - he turned 18 last week, and is a fine, strapping lad (and still likes tortilla chips).