The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

When asked 'why don't you marry dp, mummy?' flippantly reply, 'because he hasn't asked me' as ds will immediately turn to relatively new dp and say, in a weary tone, 'can you please ask mummy', as if you've been moaning about the lack of a proposal for weeks on end. Still, at least dp didn't respond with 'because mummy's still married to your daddy' as that could have been a whole lot worse.

If dp has a deaf side, sit your children on it, so he doesn't hear such gems as 'mummy has a baby in her tummy, and we're really pleased' over lunch. Luckily, ds cracked immediately and admitted he'd made it up, but not before dp aged visibly before my eyes.

When your 2 year old daughter shouts to let you know that her 17 year old sister's bedrooms is 'a bit messy mummy' please do check it, as it is likely to mean that DD1's entire newly refilled expensive bag of make-up has, indeed, contributed to the shit pit, smashed bronzer and lipglosses included.

Please then make sure you cover said 2 year old's ears properly, unless you're happy for her to walk around saying 'fucksake'. Repeatedly.

If spilled, pick up every piece of lego as kneeling on one later will be a pain like no other you've experienced

at Fruitloafrocks DCs 'wearing stickers instead'.

Refrain from even the most whispered character assessment of anyone if your DC are within 500 feet. They will tell the wife/gf of said character that "daddy says he is a tightwad fukky wanner"

Do not assume that just because their plate is clear of all veg that they have eaten them. Do check under plates, on floors and in the folds of clothes and other garments

Don't think for one moment that you will be able to 'skip' pages of night time stories for any DC over the age of one. You will be challenged and charged.

Star charts are a lie. Your DC will enjoy being 'positively rewarded for about two days. You will then find yourself entering into rows and negotiations regarding the lack of stars awarded that day. Eventually you will be worn down and will find yourself issuing Stars to your DC for tasks including 'waking up nicely' and 'not wriggling on the loo'. It is futile.

Do not give, or receive (how ever well intentioned the gift) Moonsand.

Don't leave your 6 year old unsupervised with his 2 year old chickenpox-suffering sister and a packet of felt pens.

Poor little mite had to endure joined-up dotty skin for several days.

(Not mine, a friend's).

do not let your toddler witness his dad repairing plugs, as when you are in the shower said toddler will get his tools and some how manage to hammer off a wall plug socket and cause a minor fire.

:o

Poor DH has never heard the end of it!

Oh that's made me shudder Oldestcat!

oldestcat, i can imagine the pitch of that scream was bat-like...

One from MIL on DH's babyhood:

Giving your baby a hammer & peg set to play with while he is sat on the potty will result in a loud bang, a louder scream and a family anecdote for years to come.

Another: if you choose to over-indulge on the , for your toddler's benefit, pass off the resulting incapacity as lassa fever / beri-beri / whatever illness of choice. If you do not, you risk them bouncing joyously into nursery and announcing to all and sundry that Mummy had too much grape juice last night.

Disclaimer: a friend, not me.

If you decide to ignore the silence and finish drinking your tea in peace the mess you have to subsequently sort out is completely disproportionate to those few moments of calm.

I know it's been said a few times now but felt it is quite an important message that was worthy of repeating.

I continue to do it though.

When your two little boys announce they are not going to get dressed today but want to wear stickers instead, it is worth suggesting they avoid certain sensitive areas of their bodies instead of saying 'what a great idea' and laying in bed drinking tea. Obviously, they covered their penis's, scrotum's, nipples, eyelids, nose, ears, and belly buttons with them. Could not get stickers off (silver shiney round foil type ones) even with Sticky-Stuff Remover in the bath. To peel up edge of each one had to pinch a bit of skin and scratch at it with a fingernail. We agreed to 'do' 2 stickers every half hour... we finally got the last one off at 4.30pm.

Needless to say we didn't go swimming, as planned, the next day as they were covered in 'pinch' marks and penny-sized red spots.

The morning they decided to 'colour in' the dog with the felt tip pens was much funnier.

Have nearly done that LimburgseVlaai, very horrible.

Also, was very, very tired and LO (2yrs 3months) would not get out of the bath - so off the cuff said if you don't get out you'll get sucked down the plughole with the water. Well scared the poor LO quick smart out of the bath - then he wouldn't get in the bath by himself for over a week, I had to get in with him. Serves me right, felt an aweful mother.

Never allow your toddler to suck the top of Daddy's Grecian 2000 bottle.

As you express your concern about said toddler possibly ingesting a toxic chemical, the nurse on the phone from A&E will splutter with laughter, then attempt to turn it into a cough as she pretends she has dropped her glasses.

Bet she had fun with that in the staff room later

No harm done to ds, thankfully.

keep pantyliners away from small children other wise they will think they are plasters and cover their sore knees with them. They will show you their sore knees just as the door bell rings and your vicar turn up! (Not me, twas a friend)

I love this thread!!

Am a bit to admit I have done quite a few of these

I've thought of another...

After spending a whole day baking and beautifully icing a Christmas cake, do not presume that because your DS is only crawling and has never been able to stand or pull himself up before, that he won't decide that today would be a good day to do that very thing. Cue, cake on floor, in mouth, spread around kitchen.

Also, when child stands at kitchen door and shouts through house to "Come and look Mummy", please go and look right now or risk dirt and worms in a very messy heap all over floor. Then child will say, "It's OK, I'll clear it up" but this is another ploy...do not fall for it. Dustpan and brush + sticky wet mud and worms = lots more mess over a bigger area.

You have been warned!

Another. Don't take your DD through a carwash while she's asleep. The rotating brushes will wake her up and the foam will put her in mind of a monster.
I've not got a good record with those. I once took my car through one accompanied by my dog.
He was so scared he shat himself.

One from dh. If you and your brother have taken your small children to the park, and want to play piggy in the middle, but have forgotten to take a ball with you a lump of ice from a puddle is not a sensible substitute!! Ds2 came home from that outing with a lovely cut above his eye.

openerofjars when I was a wee tot (many many years ago) that's just what my DM did,myself & a male friend went into my DF garage & found a pot of paint (white emulsion) & a brush so we decided to paint each other from head to foot DM took pictures,she also took them of the time that me & same said friend got the bottle of baby shampoo out & decided to wash ourselves with it again from head to toe,we were only about 4 BUT.......DM kept getting the pictures out to show all potential suitors,still DH found it hysterical when he saw them :o

I haven't done this yet, by the way - DS isn't 3 yet. But it's all part of the plan.

If, despite all the advice you have gleaned over the years on Mumsnet, you still manage to end up with a toddler covered from head to toe in sudocrem, puréed spinach, chocolate sauce, paint etc, TAKE COPIOUS PHOTOS before you start the cleanup operation.

Revenge is a dish served cold, preferably about 12-15 years after the event, possibly in the 18th birthday announcements section of the local paper. Mwahahahaha. [evil]

(Poor DS)

ROFL @ "it's better than bashing our son off the bus shelter", that made me snort out loud!!

Child proof safety caps/lid are a LIE. They are adult proof, a child will be able to open a tin of paint and tip it down the stairs whilst you're in the bathroom.

Don't have sex in the same house as a child. They will mention details, including how naked your partner was in the morning & how horrible a big mole on his butt was to your friends (sorry Mum).

Don't buy your children annoying electronic toys, then take the batteries out & pretend you have no idea why they're not working, children have magic screwdriver fingers and can get the battery cover off.

If you are going to donate your childrens old toys to the charity shop, make sure they don't keep all their important famous autographs & money in the Barbie Dream House (thanks to my Mum I lost the autograph of Lightning AND Rhino from Gladitors, and £40)!