The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

Do not make 4yr old DS 'just keep walking like a big boy' for the mile hame from preschool if he is saying he has a cut on his foot. When you inspect the cut you might find that one of his toes is almost hanging off and you need to carry him the rest of the way to casualty..... Lots of guilt.... buckets full....

Do not play crazy golf with DS and DH when new baby is only weeks old and everyone is slightly crazy from lack of sleep. Someone will get hit on the head with a golf club and need to go to casualty.

Do not ignore 3yr DS's best friend when she is playing quietly in the lounge. She will be scooping up handfuls of kitty litter and playing weddings, as your lounge gets covered in cat poo confetti. (which will later heat up in the vents at the back of the TV and smell like poo fritters).

Do not let same dear best friend be alone with new kitten which she is v. jealous of. She will be a. throwing it out the window 'wants to be freeeeeee'.... or smuggling it out the door and 'bathing' (=drowning) it in a puddle.
(disclaimer... no kittens were harmed in the making.... blah blah blah).

Don't let Daddy swing them round the bedroom with them shrieking in delight - and then fright as their head cracks off a glass ceiling light shade, shattering everywhere

(disclaimer - he was fine - not even a mark on his head, whereas Mummy's nerves were shattered)

Toddlers and silence =

sitting in the cot and pulling out each babywipe from the BIG packet, licking/sooking each one on the way

all the upstairs rooms decorated at toddler height with the coloured markers from the easel set (thankfully wiped clean quite easily)

Do not ever let your child see you put a plug in, especially if she's already learnt to climb on the stool by the basin and to turn on the taps.

oh I so second the 'never ever get moonsand' one. We were gifted some and it's now banned from everywhere without a tiled floor, and even then, DS has to get brushed down if he wants to leave the room...

DS has also lost the tip skin off his finger in the front door.

Never let a child go on a climbing frame if they like sticking their tongue out. When they slip and bang their chin they will bite almost through with their front teeth, there is nothing the A&E can do and it will take over a year to almost heal properly (I'm still waiting...)

Oddly DS doesn't stick his tongue out any more... least not unless he's trying to be rude!

Cauldron of poo!

I hope you can all laugh about it now...

OO - same goes for playing words with friends

weeping at boiling cauldron of poo!

I've said it before and I'll say it again: during night feeds DO NOT mn on your iPhone whilst holding it over your pfb's head. Or if you do, ensure you have an iron grip on the phone at all times.

Boiling cauldron of poo! Fantastic

Oh and MrsCP i snorted my cuppa when I read yours.

Do not become smug and over-confident with your pfb. It will cause you to recklessly multitask whilst holding 12 week old pfb in the crook of your arm. Said pfb will then roll away from your arm and hurtle towards the floor. The only thing you can now do is to reach out and flip them mid-air so at least they land on their nappy-padded bottom and not straight onto their head.

3 yrs on and I still feel guilty!

When enjoying a pleasant summer's day in the garden, do not attempt to multitask manufacturing your own elderflower 'champagne' whilst potty training your toddler. The bucket of elderflower champagne may acquire a unique and distinctive flavour and aroma resulting from the contribution of the toddler. (This was my brother).

ohsored - I hate to break it to you but if your "mouse" has eaten an entire packet of poison, I'd say your problem was more likely to be "mice".

MrsCP - BLEUGH!!

Do not put a 1 yr old in a jacuzzi bath with his 2 yr old sister, then turn it on. He will be so scared his bowels will open and then both children will be screaming in an apparently boiling cauldron of poo.

If you do do this, do not do it whilst staying at a B & B.

Do not yell shit loudly when you drop a whole load of crockery and smash it. Your 6yo DS will fail to notice the plates and give a lecture on the use of your language.

These are also good - and childproof.

ohsored

Old fashioned mouse traps - not pleasant but they do the trick.

Don't scream 'shit' loudly when you go to put the Cheerios back and a mouse runs out from behind the Bran Flakes, and then slam the cupboard door in panic, as it will start a lively debate with DS about whether it's socially acceptable to let a mouse die in your cupboard.

Poor old DS is blithely unaware that the 'medicine' I've been putting down for the mouse is actually poison. It's eaten a whole packet. It's not going to go well with Bran Flakes, is it?!!

Now what do I do?!

Don't, in a moment of ill-advised girly bonding with your 7yo DD, let skip the words 'bangers' or 'norks'.

You will never hear the end of it...

He's only five! There's no hope, is there?!

At 6:30 this morning I learned that you shouldn't tell a kid that you'll take him to the park before work if he gets up early...and then stay up til gone 1AM waiting for a cake to cool. I'm so tired it hurts!!

ohsored - how old is your DS? He sounds like trouble!

Oh, and if caught in the half-light in flagrante by said ds, don't explain it away in a blind panic as 'mummy and dp were silly tickling' as everytime ds says he's going to 'tickle' someone, your heart stops. Especially, if he threatens to tickle you in your 'favourite place'. In Asda.