The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

Another poo related one.

When changing a nappy full of poo, be sure to dispose of said nappy immediately. If for any reason you choose to leave it on top of a radiator instead, be sure not to turn the heating on. The aroma of sweet baked poo will permeate the air for days afterwards.

One from a friend of mine.

When your children are having haircuts at home and your dw has left you in charge, do not let your 3 year old dd1 (who is going to be a bridesmaid in just 3 days time, hence the haircut) take the hairdresser's bag of equipment to play with in the hall, out of sight, whilst you have your hair cut. Your dd1 will cut a chunk out of her hair that will neccessitate some clever pinning with a hair clip (that will have to be specially made by the bride and the bridesmaids on the morning of the wedding) to disguise it!

I was the bride in this story.

Make sure your razor is out of reach, as your DN WILL come downstairs after a trip to the toilet with a bleeding lip as she was "trying to copy Daddy and Uncle Hedley".

Make sure you shut the back door properly when going to check on home brew in the shed, as your toddler will pry it open and zoom out in his babywalker, bounce down two steps and land on his face, requiring yet another trip to A&E.

Fast forward two years. When outside having a smoke don't move more than 5 yards from the door if you have a ruptured thigh muscle, meaning you cannot run, as your 3 yo DS will run from the living room to the kitchen and lock you out. Little sod.

DD thought nappy salad was hilarious, I was losing the joy when the little blighters were still turning up after every damp spell for over a month though

that's classic, inmysparetime! love the idea of cress in the spare nappies!

Do not leave vapour rub on the side of the nappy table overnight, your child will spread it up their nose, in their ears and in all the tiny corners of the room while you sleep. Not only is it very aromatic, it takes really hot water to melt the wax base, and you can't use hot water on babies, so for weeks people will be asking if you have a cold.
Also, never put a pack of cress seeds in the main section of the changing bag to take to a friends house. Those packets aren't always sealed properly, contain around 12000 tiny seeds (I retrieved about 10k of them) and it is really disconcerting finding cress growing in the seams of both the bag and the spare nappies after a rainstorm

One from my sister - when DD aged 4 complains that she can't get her shoe on, don't ram it forcefully onto her little foot and make her walk home from nanna's house. Next day, when nanna realises she is still saying her foot hurts and takes her to A&E they will XRay and discover two broken toes and you will be blamed, by your mother, forever for What You Did The Time You Broke the Baby's Foot you rotten cow

Two stellar examples from my mother as a first timer:

Don't have the heating turned on full blast with all windows and doors closed in June... in the summer's hottest heatwave for 10 years... with a newborn and then have the HV come round.

Never give a 6 month old baby with no teeth bacon fat to chew on... your MIL will never let you live it down.

Good news is, I now can survive any heat and love bacon :o

oh dear thought of another one,never let your dc see you flossing your teeth or else they will try to copy only they will do it with sellotape not floss & the tape will become wedged in their teeth in various places & you will have to take them to a&e to have it removed

& do not feel very proud that your 2yr old ds can ride a bike without stabilisers near a neighbours newly erected fence,this will result in said small child (he did have a helmet on) going over the handle bars & in an attempt to save themselves will end up with 16 splinters in hands that they will not let you remove only the doctor at local surgery will be allowed.....lots of sniggers from all staff that day

ooooo, ouchy! poor DS, JM!

Do not allow your naked 3 1/2 year old to play with a rubber band.
Especially, do not allow your naked 3 1/2 year old to loop the rubber band around a drawer pull situated exactly crotch height, and further do not allow him to twang the rubber band looped around said drawer pull.
When, inevitably, the rubber band sproiiiiinnnggggs off the drawer pull, and snaps your 3 1/2 year old directly on his tiny scrotum, do not then piss yourself laughing as you're cradling your hysterically sobbing little boy who is trying to hug you and cup his poor little red scrotum at the same time.
Further, do not look at your DH who looks like he can't decide if he's going to piss himself laughing or cry in sympathy with your poor little DS.

Drinks were needed all around after that.

ho yes! Exactly like that!

Owwww!! - like this?

SDTG - I used something like Deep Heat on my bruised coccyx once, except it was a liquid not a cream and ran down the crack... ring of fire pretty much sums up the experience

Well thank the fuck she prescribed something else entirely then. Not sure I could have gone through that again.

youarekidding, I'm quite surprised she meant to suggest surgical spirit as well! I remember having that applied to open wounds on my knees and the pain was knicker-wetting! On your mouth, I'm sure it would have been just as bad. But possibly not as bad as white spirit. Who knows.

Have to say the poor Dr was mortified - kept apologising about the mistake - I still wonde rto this day if she ever dared decorate again.

Youarekidding - that reminds me of one from my DM. If your teenage daughter is being driven mad by thrush, do not suggest she applies a cream that will burn like fire (can't remember the name, but remember the sensation VERY clearly). It was like applying Deep Heat there!

Do investigate when you hear your 2-year-old saying 'I can't get it open' from the small front bedroom. You will find him up on the side, trying to push open the old-fashioned casement window, that he has managed to unlatch. It is only the fact that the window is elderly, and has stuck quite firmly that has stopped said toddler from plunging out of the window.

And when you investigate why he was trying to climb out of an upstairs window, you will find out that his older brother has told him to do so, whilst he is trying to break out of the front door. The aim of this double escape attempt? To retrieve from the bin bags awaiting the bin lorry, the tatty railway magazines that you and No1 son agreed were too tatty to keep any more and binned the previous day.

Dh works for the railway, and it is his passion as well as his job, so he often buys 'Rail' and 'Modern Railway' magazines (fascinating publications - I bet you are all jealous), and as a little boy, ds1 adored everything to do with trains, and used to spend hours looking at these magazines, until they literally fell apart. The ones we had thrown out (in consultation with ds1) were the rattiest, tattiest assemblages of paper you have ever seen - beyond even my skill at resurrecting train magazines with the help of sellotape!

NEVER listen to the Dr when they suggest using white spirit on your 9yo DD's angula-stomas. Said Dr may have been decorating and actually meant surgical spirit.

And the metal scars may be worse than the physical ones 20 + years later.

Thanks Mum.

BTW this >>>>> looks like my mouth did.

ensure child hands are fully inside van before slamming van door shut