The Mumsnet guide on how NOT to raise your children.....

If your DS is almost asleep on the sofa after wanting to play from 2.30am til 5am, do not tell yourself that can't be bothered are too tired to check what he is chewing. It's not the corner of his blanket. It's the dogs tail.

all their friends

Don't fish out the meccano in an attempt to occupy an extremely grumpy 7 year old. I'm as grumpy as he is, now and my hands hurt (it's flippin' fiddly)

Don't tell your DC that you 'work for the government.' They will tell all your friends, whose parents will assume you are a spy.

When older child is potty training, do not leave younger (immobile) child within weeing distance.

This is going to be another MN Classic, I can feel it. :o

If your 3-year-old asks "Mummy can I try your wine" , and you say no, don't go to the loo leaving your wine on the coffee table.

Don't assume that, just because they couldn't see their shoes (when they were standing right next to them), they won't spot the tiny corner of a Haribo packet at the back of a dark cupboard from 50 paces.

Don't assume that because they couldn't open that door last week, they won't be able to this week.

Do not store bottles of wine behind this door, particularly not when the HV is visiting. Do not laugh when toddler emerges mid-chat from area you thought baby-proofed with bottle of pink fizz .

If you are busy MNing working on the computer when your 2 year old goes for a poo, don't tell him you'll be along in a moment or you might find he'll try and wipe him own bum and poo might somehow end up on him, the toilet, the toilet roll holder, the floor, the walls, the sink, the soap, the towel, the door handle, the door, the hallway.........

At least he tried to wash his hands though

Never say 'I will NEVER do X'.

Because you will.

Make sure your toddler is fastened in the pram before you tip it forward.

Don't show your dc a funny picture of Matt Lucas dressed up as Beyonce and say "Look it's doris from over the road" because next time Doris pops over your child will find the picture and say "Mummy said this is you" awkward.

Don't ignore the silence.

I usually leave mine asleep on the floor if that's where they end up .

If you hear a bump in the middele of the night and then silence, you should still get up to investigate it. Otherwise in the morning you could find your child has fallen out of bed and slept on the floor since 4AM

There is a point where baby-wipes just don't hack it.

Putting your child in the shower/bath fully clothed is a perfectly acceptable alternative.

Dont chew gum when you kiss your toddlers head.

Dont leave the top off the whiskey bottle when the child is playing with it.

Another one, don't buy really cute but a little pricey pants when cheap ones will do, they all burn/melt just the same when left in the oven. Always check oven before turning on and remove toys, pants, balls etc.

Limburgse - I've done that, it was awful.

Never buy green toothpaste - the blobs on the bathroom ceiling are not easy to remove and don't blend in.

Keep the toothpaste locked with the sudocreme.

Lock the lollypops from party bags in the lockable first aid kit - there are times when lollypops are a really good thing to have to hand in a hurry.

If you give your normally healthy fed child any small piece of unhealthy food, they will tell absolutely everyone. Be prepared for the Year One 'What I did in the holidays sentence' of 'I had doughnuts.' - no mention will be made of any homegrown vegetables, salads, fresh fruit or even a smoothie, even the entire expensive holiday can be omitted.

If you take your young child around the world, to a festival, to Legoland, to an expensive resort etc, they will have as much fun as if you took them to the local park and will probably only focus on one piece of playground equipment played on during the time away. When anyone asks them about their round the world trip, they will tell them how much the loved the slide/swings/climbing frame and appear not to remember anything else. Said favourite piece of equipment may even be identical or even inferior to that found in local park.

Make up your own special word for farts so that when your small child says loudly on the bus that they can smell your 'fluffy puffs', no one else knows what they are talking about (except those that can smell it :o)!

If, on attempting to close a door, there seems to be some resistance, do not pull harder. The likely cause of the obstruction is your child's fingers. The sound effect may be delayed but it is shockingly loud.

When buying/receiving as a present a set of paints of whatever kind, remove the blue one. Blue paint cannot be removed by whatever means possible.

Remove mashed banana off clothing immediately. Otherwise it will turn black and and the stain cannot be removed.

Look on the bright side, you could have accidentally waxed your baby's head. That would have been worse

If you buy your DD a nice little pink cami (it goes perfectly with the Boden ruffle skirt), she will choose to wear it with the pair of fuschia shorts you bought her two years ago and which now resemble Kylie's hot pants in terms of skimpy fit to wear on the beach.

You will not able to wash or even remove this outfit for the entire summer holiday.

Never leave a large packet of Haribo on the table and tell two 6 year olds to 'help themselves' just before a school disco.

The subsequent intense (and quite scary) rise of energy, shortly followed by a sharp decline in their temper, is too much for anyone's nerves.

And it'll all be your fault.