Overheard in a change room yesterday

In the pound shop quite close to christmas, Young couple out shopping with thier baby boy.
He'd seen a babys santa outfit and was quite keen to buy it for the baby.
He asks, "I wonder how much that is?"
She replies, "It's the pound shop"
He says, "Yes i know but i wonder how much they want for this"
She again replies " it's the pound shop"
He says " But theres no price on it, why dont they put a price on things?"
She replies again " Because it's the pound shop"

Still not getting it the young is guy starting to get annoyed.

She then puts him out of his misery and declares "it's the pound shop...everythings a pound!!!!"
She turned to me seeing me and gave me a look like this

He was very when the penny finally dropped

I love the pixies in the camera. So that's how cameras work!

DS1 was about three, in a toilet cubicle " Mummy, why are you putting that fruit stick up your bottom", it was a tampax - yet another red faced mum in a public loo!!

I have literally cried reading this!

'Rehearsal' dinner the night before my wedding a couple of seats down from me and my dad says to my bridesmaid - 'what are you having?', to which she replies 'oh, I'm having dick', quick as ever my dad says ' I'm sure you are but what are you having for dinner?'. She has never lived this down, there is no such thing as duck on any menu when we're together and my dad still refers to her as 'the dick one' when we discuss the wedding!!

Mine all seem to be bus-related

Anyway, my friend and her mum were getting a bus into town, just after bus conductors had been axed.

The mum said to the driver "1 and a child to town please"

The driver indicated the new coin slot machine to her and said "In there, love".

She bent down and said into the machine "1 and a child to town please"

Le Murs reminds me - my dad must have started when I was very young because I don't remember it, but for most of my childhood anywhere there was a certain sign I was convinced that there was a northern hemisphere version of kangaroos somewhere in the area which was out of bounds.

The word on the sign was dangerous. Dang-er-ooos, you see? Probably why I never trusted my dad's pronunciation advice in later years.

Just remembered an exchange I heard at a supermarket customer services counter a few years ago in my home town in West Yorkshire... me and mother were stood waiting to buy lottery tickets and were treated to this scene:

Man: I want to return this, love. I want me money back.
Customer Services woman: What seems to be the problem?
Man: It's got egg in it.
CSW: Yes...it's a quiche.
Man: I don't like egg. It don't say owt abaht eggs on t'front o' t'packet.
CSW:...well, it's a quiche. They're made with eggs.
Man: But it don't say owt on t'front o' box, love. I can't eat eggs, they repeat on me summat chronic.

When DS was toilet training we were at a fair and had to use those cabin-porta loos (about 8 loos separated by thin cardboard)

DS: they're very pretty pants mummy
me: thanks...now shhhhh
DS: they've got flowers on
me: yes...shhhhhh now
DS: that's a very long wee you're doing
me: yes...do you need to go?
DS: no.
(me reaching for loo roll)
DS: well done...you've wiped yourself
me:

we left cubicle and stood washing our hands aware of sniggering row of ladies.

I was in the photographers trying to print some pictures of my phone .....'which machine is this I asked?'
'look in the top right luv it will tell you' said the assistant (a very very orange fake tanned short woman) 'what does it say?' she went on

Errrrmmmmmmm ................umpa lumpa I whispered .......I neednt have whispered it cos she was already thumping her assistant who I presume had renamed the machine

In a camera shop

Customer - so how many pixies does this camera have?
Assistant - Pardon?
C - How many pixies?
Assistant - Um... [flounders a bit]... oh! Do you mean megapixels?
C - Yes, that's right, megapixies.

Am just checking in to see if any of the mortifying things said by either DS or myself in our post-lunch squabble have been added.

Especially the cafe toilet part.

I think I got away with it.

Amazing thread - going to read some to DH later.

Reminds me of when my half sister was about 3 or 4 and in the loo with my mum. Annouced at the top of her voice "mummy, I can smell prawns in your pants". My poor mum (who really is very hygienic!) was utterly mortified.

Also a lovely one about my geriatric granny who's cornish. They're from proper cornwall meaning that you cannot really understand what her of grandad say if you live north of Truro. Had us in stitches though when granny starting telling the hairdresser near my mum's (in Hampshire) about what a lovely time she'd had at the "cunt-cert, down chapel". Poor girl didn't know what to say, until I translated...

We all still talk about going to cunt-certs - I ought to watch it now I have LO.

Pantomime in Tunbridge Wells, circa 1970.

Being rather stage struck, I had elbowed my way up on to the stage to be one of the children "assisting" with some magic or similar. The magic was dull, so I started wandering off into the wings, which looked much more interesting. The actor presiding tried to draw me back with "What's your name? that is a pretty dress!" and held out a microphone for my reply:

"Thank you. My Granny got it from the jumble".

I don't think that my mother has yet forgiven me

agg, beaten to it..

:)

No, they were obviously talking about Boycie.

"You know, the fit one out of Only Fools And Horses"

Quodlibet I used to work with an incredibly beautiful young woman who found tall thin men with long thin faces deeply attractive.

For her, the absolute, all-time, glorious zenith of sexiness was . . . Nicholas Lyndhurst.

"

Also took her to Tate Modern last year. Sat outside having an ice cream before going in and a middle aged bloke walks past, head to toe in black leather biker gear, bald as coot with just a patch of hair over either ear dyed scarlet and gelled into completely upright triangles. She just pointed and shrieked with laughter."

That'll be Simon Price then :)

Swimming pool changing room, the weekend before last, dd is 4.6
DD:"Why do your nipples stick out more than mine Mummy"
"Because when you grow up to be a grown up lady, you need to be able to make milk to feed a baby"
DD:"But you aren't having a baby now?"
"No, but grown up ladies bodies are ready, just in case (Panic: not doing very well here, need to make sure DD doesn't think that I need to be suddenly ready to receive a baby from thin air), that is, when you grow up your body starts to look different in lots of ways, and it changes that that you can grow a baby and feed it"
Pause
"Aunty J---- doesn't have sticking out nipples"
"Well, you don't see Aunty J---- without clothes on, do you?"

"I wish my nipples would stick out like yours..."

We left at speed after we were dressed.

I used to work in a chemist and a little old lady came up to the counter :
OL: hello. Can I have some cervix please?
Me (thinking I must have heard wrong): sorry?
OL: Can I have some cervix please?
Me: some cervix?
OL: Yes. Some cervix.
Me: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
OL: (looking exasperated) Some cervix. You know, for helping me to go to the toilet.
Me: oh! You mean syrup of figs!
OL: yes, that's it!

How I kept a straight face I'll never know. Particularly as the pharmacist was hiding behind the dispensary counter in fits of giggles.

I also once heard 2 old ladies on a bus discussing the upcoming solar eclipse. One of them remarked that 'of course, the sun was so much brighter when we were younger...' to which the other replies 'ohhh yes.'

In hospital waiting room waiting for a chest x-ray. Opposite me is a little frail old man in a wheel chair. Middle aged daughter is sitting next to him holding his hand.

Her: (sotto voce) Have you got a nappy on, Dad?
Him: (loudly) No, love. I had such a good turn out this morning, they said I wouldn't need one.

Me: Snort. (hastily disguised as a coughing fit).[hgrin]

^Also took her to Tate Modern last year. Sat outside having an ice cream before going in and a middle aged bloke walks past, head to toe in black leather biker gear, bald as coot with just a patch of hair over either ear dyed scarlet and gelled into completely upright triangles. She just pointed and shrieked with laughter.

Naturally we ended up virtually following him round the entire bloody gallery and she still talks about 'Mr Pointy Head' a year later.^

There were lots of punk hair styles around when I was little. I still remember saying to my mum aged about four or five, "When I grow up I'm not going to be a Pump Rocker, mummy."

Just marking to read properly later

Outside a changing room, I earwigged, 'I'm sorry, you can't come in here!'

'I'm sorry, are you a man or a woman?'

'I am a woman!'

'Oh that's ok then, cos men do try and come in here and they're not allowed.'

I was gobsmacked, had to look out the curtain. She had short brown hair, slim, every bit of clothing could have be mistook for mens. She was with a very nice man, I saw later in the shop.

I wonder how she felt?[hgrin]

why you so cheap!! haha haha that is brilliant i just chocked on my roll

:o Snorkmaiden. And Nickschick, you made me howl with your boob-distraction story...:o

Along the lines of Keith and the Forbidden Banana, a few years back I was wheeling my way around Sainsbury's when I heard a couple quietly arguing in the vodka aisle (I was in the next aisle buying squash. Honest). She let out a shriek suddenly and I peered around the corner of the aisle to see a tiny Asian lady who was wearing a pair of hotpants, high heels and a halter top (it was winter), shaking with rage at a middle-aged, crumpled-looking bloke in a jumper and cords.

TAL: Why you so cheap?
MACLB: I don't think we need the biggest bottle, dear.
TAL: You so cheap! I want this one! You buy!
MACLB: Erm...
TAL: Call yourself a man? Why you so cheap? Cheap! CHEAP!!!

She turned and staggered off, him following meekly in her wake clutching the vodka. Never seen them since.