Overheard in a change room yesterday

@ when will I get my periods

We're in the middle of a clearance sale as we're closing down. On Thursday morning I was greeted by a knobend standing in our arcade telling his friend all about what a scam these sales are and how the "sale" will just run and run and run for months to try and get people through the door and we'll never actually close.

You might want to tell that to all the staff who are losing their jobs in August mate!

I get quite a few though in my job, the two most spectacular are actually from a colleague.

"White Gold doesn't actually exist you know, it's yellow gold that's been plated." (she's half right, it doesn't exist in nature, it's an alloy of yellow gold and white metal and some companies then plate it with Rhodium to make it sparkle)

"No, that company doesn't use Sterling Silver, their silver comes from Mexico." (when I later pointed out to her that Sterling is a fineness mark, like 9ct gold she told me I was wrong. We have a sign up on the wall explaining this)

DS is nearly two and calls his bits his "diggle". Whenever his nappy comes off we're treated to him singing the diggle song, this basically consists of him warbling "diggle diggle diggle diiiiiiiiigle" in various tones at top volume while giggling. Coming out of the baby change in town he grinned at an old lady who stopped to chat to him, he pointed to the baby change behind us and started jabbering "my diggle ... in there ... diggle!". I cringed and pretended I had no idea what he was talking about.

I overheard two ladies on the bus, one telling the other that her daughter's friend "likes men and women, she's one of those bio's".

My 10yo brother to my mum: "when will I get my periods?"

DP heard a dickhead on the coach trying to chat up a Polish girl "we are driving through the New forest now, it's called the New forest because it was only built in the 2nd World war, i'm not a naturist or nuffink luv, but I hate fake forests"

On a train with DS who was studying the route map on the wall.
DS "I didnt know you could get a train to Scotland"
Me" How did you think you got there?"
DS " I dunno, a boat?"
Me" Noooo, you do know where Scotland is don't you?"
DS" OF COURSE" (indignant)

Man next to us starts pissing self laughing

Further conversation between DS and friend.
Friend "He lives on one of those boats"
DS " Oh yeah, a canoe"

Man def pissing self laughing

Me"Jaysus" I swear he is intelligent, honest.

i love this thread! :o

My mum and dad once went with my grandma to a coffee morning at grandma's church. My dad received the traditional cup of milky Mellow Birds with a disappointing biscuit on the side, took a mouthful, and gloomily observed to my mother, "This is the worst coffee I've ever tasted."

The serving lady then came round to have a chat to my grandma and ask her how she was. My grandma smiled confidingly at serving-lady and said, "D'you know, my son says this is the worst coffee he's ever tasted."

This story tells you absolutely everything you need to know about my dad's relationship with his mother.

Poor Keith

In town today with DD. She refused to use the lifts because she wanted to go up the alligator (escalator)

I heart "no Keith you can't have any bananas".

Glorious suburban tragedy.

Not me, my sis.

Heard the following convo between M&S assistant and a customer who was trying on a strapless bra with the dress she was going to wear for a wedding:

Assistant : Ooh, that looks lovely. Where's your wedding at?

Customer: Oh, I'm not wearing an 'at, I'm wearing a fascinator.

Can't stop laughing panzee!

Not me (honest!) but a friend of mine on the bus with his mum as a young boy:

"MUMMY, WHY HAS THAT DONKEY GOT FIVE LEGS?"

Mum dragged son off at the next stop. "mummy, this isn't our stop!" "Yes it is, now come on!!"

:o

Me, changing for swimming

DS: Ooo, Mummy, why do you have HUGE nipples?

I don't! In fact, the midwife at the hospital said they were quite small... I don't know why people feel the need to comment on my nipples.

I took DD into a busy shopping centre toilet when she was about 3, and we had to wait for a cubicle to become free. So a woman comes out and we go in and DD's first words were "mummy I think that lady did a poo in here." Loud enough for the woman who'd been in before us to hear, as she would still have been washing her hands at that point.

Took my DD2 who is 3 to her swimming lesson last night, she had to go to the toilet first though, we are in there and as she is going all you can hear next door is some rather alarming wind, thunder sounds, DD promptly asks what's that noise mummy, is it farties! Me: hmm did not hear it sweetie, quietly chuckling, DD, why are are laughing mummy, then we have the smell, err mummy that smell is just 'disgusting', I could not get out quick enough, poor woman probably stayed in there for a while to hide, my 3 year old was not quiet in her thought at all.

At the zoo last month....

A twenty something couple are watching a leopard patrolling the perimeter of his enclosure. The woman turns to the man and says, "Look at the tiger!"

The man looks at the animal, looks at his partner and looks back at the animal before replying, "Tigers have stripes, don't they?"

"Do they? Are you sure?" was her response.

at 12% wine.

On the way back from the shower block whilst camping last year, walking past lots of families eating their breakfasts, DD announced "I know the difference between men and ladies mummy, shall I tell you?" "Er, maybe when we get back to the tent..."

Also took her to Tate Modern last year. Sat outside having an ice cream before going in and a middle aged bloke walks past, head to toe in black leather biker gear, bald as coot with just a patch of hair over either ear dyed scarlet and gelled into completely upright triangles. She just pointed and shrieked with laughter.

Naturally we ended up virtually following him round the entire bloody gallery and she still talks about 'Mr Pointy Head' a year later.

PMSL at the woman in the cubicle saying "what she said" and the extinct eagle who hadn't been told :o

Was in the chemist and a smartly dressed woman came in and whsipered 'Have you got any YK Jelly?' she had to repeat herself several times as the assistant didnt know what she wanted (or just wanted to humiliate her more) and them boomed at her 'OH I THINK YOU MEAN KY JELLY...AS IN THE LUBE?' the poor womal looked mortified, didnt stop half the shop sniggering though! :)

Lady to her Husband in the Supermarket: "No Keith, you can't have any bananas"! Poor Keith (quite rightly) looked mortified.
DP and I kept seeing them all round the shop and could not stop giggling...childish but very funny

ha mataland i hear that all the time [hgrin] makes me smile [hsmile]

Swimming pool last week, lovely little girl hopping in and out of the shower. Mum says "Alfresco, you do that again I'll smack your bum!" Alfresco!

And I always have a secret giggle at little old ladies who say "I was in Mataland last week...

on the train to london from south wales. a young couple sitting opposite me. he had just gone to the bar and brought her back a small bottle of wine (the 250ml type from the bar). she say 'fuck me. this is only a really small bottle and it's 12%. a full bottle is only 13%'.

yes, dear - because erm, that's NOT how it works...