Overheard in a change room yesterday

Discussing the inappropriate use of language by her son with a mother in school.
'Yeah, well, we do swear a bit, like 'get up them stairs you little fucker' But I never thought he'd be fucking swearing in school the little sod'

Ummm

Another swimming pool one, when DS was about 20 months and in the playpen of the cubical "Mummy why do you have fluff there" in a very loud voice! Hmmm, I wonder why I now hide flabby belly, fluffy fanjo and other things that could cause great embarrassment from a loud DS. [hgrin]

lol at 'Sorry I'm late for my interview, but I've had rather a lot to drink'."- how did the receptionist react?

And Kate sounds like she got out of bed the wrong side that morning :o

Swimming pool changing rooms bring out the best in children don't they?
When we moved to Switzerland, I took DD swimming. Afterwards we had a shower in the big communal type one. DD looked around and said, in a pre grommet big loud voice, Mum, those ladies are different to you. They don't have any fur on their banjos.

swimming pool changing rooms, mum with v. young baby and approx 4 year old DS came in and went into a family cubicle to change.
"Mummy?"
"yes"
"your tummy is all floppy now that you haven't got the baby in there keeping it up"
"oh"
you could have heard a pin drop.

Poor Keith!

Similar sympathy needed for Lawrence in Sainsburys yesterday:

Lawrence: I thought I'd do that pizza with the basil on tonight, Kate
Kate: God, you're fucking stupid.
Lawrence: What have I done now?
Kate: I told you that made you fart! And if you don't want me to be rude to you, don't make me come fucking shopping on fucking Saturday.
Lawrence: Sorry.

I nearly suggested she stop swearing in front of my DD!

In the waiting room of a recruitment consultant.

A woman flies in the door and calls over to the reception desk, 'Sorry I'm late for my interview, but I've had rather a lot to drink'.

Let her explain, sorry

On the train going past some wind turbines
Small boy : Daddy, what's THAT?!
Dad: Erm,....they're, um, special machines
Boy : what do they DO?
Dad: They make power
Boy : How?
(whole train falls silent as we wait to learn how they work)
Dad : Well, um, your mum understands much better, so why don't we wait until we get home and you can let her? She'd be sad if I told you.

Was in the toilets at a club years ago, and a "hen" came out of the cubicle, with daft hat, badge etc and a load of helium balloons tied to the top of her hat. She was very pretty, small and slim. She was washing her hands, when a largish, quite hard-looking woman went up to her and whispered (v loudly) "Can I have a suck on that helium?"
The terrified bride ripped the balloons off her hat, gave them to the woman and said "You can have anything as long as you don't mark my face" :)

to which the woman replied "You can keep your face, love, unless it's made of helium, beer or cock"
What the actual fuck!!?
Brilliant

In the supermarket behind a woman and her little girl who must have been around 5, the little girl asks quite loudly

'mummy, why do you wear those pants with no bottoms?'

The poor mum looked like this while me and about 10 others tried not to laugh (or check out her pantyline )

Earlier today MIL and I were congratulating 6 yo DNiece for her stoical tolerance of some pretty rambunctious behaviour from her 3 yo cousin, my DS. MIL says, "Just think of it as good practice for some day when you might have your own little boy." DNiece fixes her with a steely eye and says, "I'm not having a little boy. I'm having a little girl."

On a bus sat in front of 2 young girls.

Its not fair how comes she gets child tax credits. I'm gonna complain I should get it as well I mean just cause she has a kid and I dont its discrimating agains me!

I snorted so hard I had to pretend to have a coughing fit

My DS told everyone at school his step dad is a "specific islander"....

(he's a pacific islander)

My elderly fil on explaining the behaviour of 'yobs' said I dont know why they behave like this its almost as if theyre psychedelic Psychotic dont you mean? asks I - No he said i dont think its voices they hear theyre just bad uns ......

Tom (5) has a pack of Maltesers every sunday from FIL for his journey home. Last sunday, granded had forgotten and we were just about to pull away when Tom pipes up, "I need something, and it's called Maltesers!".

friend told me this one:
Pregnant woman on the bus, obviously explaining the upcoming event.
'So which do you want - a brother or a sister?'
4 year old: No mummy, I want a hedgehog.

Overheard in A & E in the next cubicle:
Nurse: Who's your next of kin?
Patient: Michael
Nurse: What relation is he?
Patient: Catholic

Overheard in Bromley by Bow Tesco about 20 years ago:
Monique, you're reelly gittin' on mah nerves!

poor keith [hsad]

Dad - ' Manners Jake! Say fucking please'

You couldn't make it up

I was in a hospital cubicle at A&E with DS3 who was waiting silently to get his tiny wound under his chin glued, the room actually had 2 cubicles divided by a curtain - why is it this is meant to mean you cant HEAR as well as see

Doctor came back and said he would only be a few minutes, went round the curtain. Straight to the point to the unseen patient "right so youve been stung on the buttocks - turn over and tell me what happened?" Queue a garbled story from man there. Doctor "and youve been using dettol on it??" And so it went on, me and DH could hardly keep a straight face!

Overheard at funfair on Tuesday
Small boy (about 4) ' Dad, I want to go on the fucking dodgems'
Dad - ' Manners Jake! Say fucking please'

Customer in the shop I used to work in, discussing her holidays with the manager: 'Last year I went to see the Blackpool hallucinations but I think I'll try somewhere different this year.'

I bet Keith isn't allowed bananas because they sotto voce bung him up...