Hmmmm? If there was an MNtrance exam, what would the questions be?

A man in a garage just called me 'dear'?

Should I get him arrested?

Beaten up?

Post a thread on MNs?

Smile at him then wink and pout?

Say thanks, pay and walk away because you really don't really give a monkey's chuff?

Love love love this thread.

Your husband wishes to go away for a weekend. What is your response to this?
a) Let him go and make sure he pays for you to have a spa weekend sometime.
b) Huh, he can do like, whatever, we're not attached at the hip you know. I'm not one of those pathetic women who needs a man around all the time.
c) Tell him no. Weekends are FAMILY TIME!
d) Sob hysterically until he changes his mind.

Child-free weddings are:
a) joyless
b) impossible for me to attend
c) held by people who will realise how awful they have been once they have their own children
d) The absolute right of the couple to do whatever they want

Which of the following are appropriate behaviours for a PIL*? (tick as many as relevant)

1. Buying too many presents.
2. Not buying any presents.
3. Buying Disney presents.
4. Cutting grandchild's hair.
5. Putting grandchild to sleep in too many clothes.
6. Not putting grandchild to sleep at all.
7. Moving house next door without asking
8. Telling racist jokes
9. Comparing grandchild to it's cousins.

*The term PIL can be replaced by ExH.

brag and gag
youve mentioned russell grope degree,salubrious home
and no one asked you that
but oh so casually you blurted it out.along with hatred of media degrees

Question 347.

You have joined a thread discussing the most effective and environmentally-friendly way to remove limescale from bath taps. How many times can you mention that you and all your friends went to Russell Group universities and your DH got a double first from Cambridge?

My SIL is getting married and my DDs' are bridemaids. SIL has chosen a colour for their shoes I disagree with should I;

Beat her up and boycott the wedding whilst breaking my DDs' hearts?

Boycott the wedding and break DDs' hearts?

Get the whole family to boycott the wedding and they all beat her up?

Accept the shoes and attend the wedding and smile with pride at DDs looking beautiful?

Attend the wedding but wear jeans in protest and glower all day?

WWYD?

My DD is an indigo child and speaks to angels. I am home schooling her.

Should I follow the Kundalina school of teaching?

Zen philosophy?

Tantric hippy woo and knitted yoghurt school of thought?

She hates maths and science so I will omit those. She is special and will save the earth doncha know.

She has grown her own garlic from the age of 2 months.

You have a bit of a whiffy fanjo, do you?

a) Remove the mooncup you had forgotten you inserted three weeks ago, anyway all fanjo smell is natural & lovely.

b) Blast immediately with all fanjo products known to woman, autoclave for good measure.

c) I have no fanjo, I am a male troll you bunch of repulsive harpies.

You find an empty fruitshoot bottle in your child's bag after school you ;

a) Remove child from school immediately, call OFSTED, ensure school is placed in special measures.

b) Bloody well should have, you put the full one there this morning along with his cheese string & Gregg's sausage roll.

c) Think, ah well, one won't hurt him.

Explain your understanding of the following icon, giving examples of its appropriate use:

Geography:
The location of MN island is?

Ethics:
The most humane way to kill a Zombie is?

Language:
Getorf has a massive crush on which 'fit bloke from work' nationality?

You two year old correctly identifies a dog, do you;

a) Immediately enrol them on a G & T programme, arrange for MENSA testing.

b) Say, 'well done dear, it's actually a horse'.

c) Call a home tutor without delay, their peers would have named it by its Latin name, quietly suspect developmental issues.

Where do you normally keep your garlic?
a) in a pot on the kitchen worktop
b) in the fridge
c) ready minced from Waitrose, in the freezer
d) up your arse

Using fewer than 100 words, explain what a mouldie is. Then burn the answer, and Never Speak Of It Again.

Economics
Which of the below would NOT be considered a useful purchase?
A) A weaning net
B) A Lakeland steam mop
C) Dior nude foundation

Mumsnet law.
The use of which word will incur you a fine and potentially imprisonment in netmums:
A) Manshape
B) Lol
C) Hugz
D) All of the above

Art and Design section:

Design a home suitable for the average MN'er.

You must include at least three of the following:

Laminate flooring/brown leather sofa/'Billy' bookcase/twig-lights/Cath Kidson mugs.

You may refer to IKEA or John Lewis catalogues but marks will be deducted for excessive use of the Argos book.

It's wine O'clock you are;

a) Outraged, disgusted & outraged. Don't you know this country is awash with alcohol & you lot sit there with your idiotic wineglass smileys, your bad language & your florid complexions. It's all one big bloody jokes isn't it. You won't be laughing when you keel over & your liver explodes. You mark my words etc etc etc.

b) Jut waiting 'til all is quiet on the Western front then going to pour myself a nice large glass of gin/wine/cough mixture.

c) Hic.

When does the annual Official Shoe Boot Season start ?

a)Feb
b)Aug
c)May

Name 10 products you are currently boycotting.

List these shopping experiences in order of desirability and give your reasons:

Greggs
Waitrose
Lidl
Asda
M&S Per Una
M&S Food
Ocado
Boden
Aldi

List 10 holiday companies or theme parks where you can spend your Tesco Clubcard Points

Write 200 words on why you only shop in Waitrose and wouldn't set foot in Tesco if your life depended upon it.

Do you call your DD's visible genitals her:

a) Flower
2) Tuppence
iii) Fanjo
d) Fanny
fw) We only use the correct technical term for every body part so of course we say vagina
vjj) it's LABIA then you twunt

the answer to - 'how many meals for 4 people can you make out of a standard sized chicken' is 'more then 3'

TRUE or FALSE

Art and Design: make a red rug, or other design from Smileys.