Please remove your book from my knickers DS

Oh... Remembered a few more...

"Don't put it in the bin..."
Then, two minutes later
"NOOOO! You don't take it back out of the bin to eat it! You've got another one on your plate!"

"Why is there stew on the walls?"

(After finding DS had painted the walls with the contents of my make up bag)
"What's that?" DS..."Fireworks, Mummy. Pretty fireworks go BANG!"

"I cannot kiss your tongue better, sorry sweetheart"

"DS, why are my notes pink?"

"No, I'm not answering to Megamind anymore."

"Why is there shepherds pie in your juice?"

"How have you lost your socks at nursery?"

"Where did you poo?"

No, of course you didn't kill that fish. It jumped out the lake on its own and stopped breathing.

The dogs are only trying to lick your butt because they can smell the meatballs you had for dinner. It would help if you would just put your pjs on.

Have a boyfriend other than your Father?!!! OF COURSE NOT!!!!

Don't hit people with the Baby Jesus (from her wooden nativity scene).

(Courtesy of a friend) "Please don't pick your nose in public. Everyone likes to pick their nose and play with their bits but we don't do either in public."

Yes that's definately a lady. No really. Can we discuss this later.

The baby comes out of my tummy down a stretchy tunnel.

We only say 'bloody' and 'completely buggered' at home dear. Some people don't like it.

Please put some knickers on. We all wear them - honestly we do.

Funniest thing I've read all week - thanks TheSkiingGardener

"Please please pleeeease don't call your teacher a bossypants again!"

"DON'T LICK THE BIN!!!!"

"Yes love, that poo poo certainly does look like an ice cream."

"No, you dont have an adam's apple on your leg. It's your ankle."

"Why on earth are you eating that?!!! It's FROZEN broccolli!!"

DD: 2.10

'No, we don't put pennies in your foo foo they are very small and could get lost in side you'

''Take the 2p out out of your foo foo. We don't put ANYTHING in our foo foo'

'I don't care of your poo looks juicey you can't eat poo'

'I'm sure daddy doesn't eat poo'

Yes I did say you could have a chocolate button. Yes I did accidentally give you two buttons. I'm very sorry. I'll take those two away and give you a solitary button instead as promised. Two buttons was not what you were expecting, or indeed desiring, I can see.

LO is only 2 so haven't really said anything like this yet but this is something I never thought I'd hear being said. My brothers kids are teenagers now and this was a memorable family visit when they were about 5 and 7 years old. *Names have been changed.

Dniece (shouting downstairs): "Grandma! Jamie's stuck his toothbrush up the end of his willy and now he's putting toothpaste on it!"

Dmother (shouting upstairs): "Jamie! Take your toothbrush out of your willy and brush your teeth properly!"

"No darling, mummy does not have a beard in her bottom"

things i thought i would never say:

"but mummy doesn't WANT you to look at mummy's poos.... OK, at least let mummy finish making poos before you look"

"stop licking your shoes! give them to mummy if you won't stop licking them!"

"OK, OK, mummy take the stickers off, mummy take the stickers off." i never thought my dd would find a box of pantyliners and think they were "stickers"...

"Bare bum OFF the table, thank you"

"Hands out of your bum"

Hmm, yes, mainly bum-related it would seem!

"DON'T drop your lolly in your sister's sick bucket......NO! DON'T put it in your mou......ARGH"

Cue another child laid up with sickness bug.....

"DS don't pull your willy"
"it's not a big jobby"
"don't eat your bogies"
"stop throwing things over the fence/out the window"
"you don't put pencils in the toilet"
"the dog doesn't want to eat your bogie"
"DS,no you don't sit on my head to pump"

thats just from the last day!!!

"The cat does not need a haircut"

And said to 2yo DS trying to poke my nipples,
*Pleeease stop trying to press them, they are not buttons and they are not magic"
I have The Wiggles to thank for that one.

no your auntie does not have a baby in her tummy
no these are not pretty lines and they are your fault they are there.
no your itchy bit is not an acceptable show and tell (DD1 - 4)
what the hell is going on in here (DS1 - 12) after evening of "huh huh ahhh huh"
I don't care if it does hurt I will NOT kiss it better (DS2 after enlarging his boys bits)
No its a new toilet cleaner - red not green ...............
Daddy is nearly shorter than you but yes his wee wee is bigger than yours (giant DS1)
Do not sit on that cat - I don't care if it feels nice (DD1)
Put it away
Seriously it will fall off, look at mummy (said in desperation to DS's)
No Grandma does not want to see how big it gets!

am so so pleased I have boys in the family

No I don't want to see your bumhole

No the garden isn't for weeing the toilet is

Put your winkie in your pants

Vern wants you to eat all your food, show him how you eat nicely (vern is a toy car)

Penguins don't like milk on their cheerios.

That was a long morning and it was only about 7am...

Pirate ho ha and fred are being very well behaved DD1 - can you sit nicely like them?

Ho ha and Fred are DD1s immaginary friends and this was said on a packed bus! Did get me a seat tho as people moved away from the mad woman

"Stop pulling your brother's willie"

"Take your foot off your (baby) brother's head"

"No, poo does not come out of your willie"

"Yes, playing with your willie feels nice, but please only play with your own one" - recurring admonishment when DSs 1-4 are all in the bath together

Phatastic thread, thank you!

my friend to her DS - don't climb in the tumble dryer
to MY DS - don't closes the door when someone is in there

"Please don't use your winky as a stylus for the Ds."
"please take your winky out of your sandwich. No it isn't another sausage, it's a winky and wee comes out of it."
"Stop having poo competitions, you horrible children. New house rule - everyone must flush after their own poo."

This evening to DS

"No you can't sleep with the Wiggles...because DD is sleeping with them tonight thats why."

Get your head out of the toilet

Just remembered OH to DTS2 the other day:

'Get your finger out of your bumhole!'

My 2 year old dd "rode" her 7 month old cousin. He was ok. He's a little toughie. :o