Please remove your book from my knickers DS

Take your foot out of your mouth - stop chewing your toenails!

Think our DS does yoga - he's so bendy!

No that lady hasn't got a baby in her tummy

New one today. "No dd, I do not want to see the bruise on your bum". She's nearly 11.

No darling, that's not a winkle at the back of my throat, it's called a uvula.

No darling, those aren't winkles on the moo-cow, those are udders.

That's right, darling, I don't have a winkle, do I?

Yes, daddy HAS got a winkle, hasn't he?

Daddy is not playdough.

Please stop licking your hand and then cleaning the wall with it.

No darling, I'm relatively confident that a crocodile didn't just bite you.

FREEZE! Give the scissors to Mummy. Daddy doesn't like being chased around with you brandishing them and screaming. It scares him.

She's not a horsey, she a dog. Please stop riding her.

DD! Don't put the puppy in the toy box and put all your toys on top of him! He doesn't enjoy it. (Puppy is now thankfully too big for carrying so is safe).

Fabulous thread

No, we're not going to the doctor.
No, we're not going see the doctor.
No, you can't go to the doctor because it's time for us to go home and all the doctors have gone home.
No, you can't go to the doctor's when there's no doctors there.
No, we can't go to the doctor's tomorrow. You only go to the doctor when you're sick or need medicine.
...
Yes, OK, I was wrong and we are going to the doctors. Did you get chicken pox on purpose???

the pirate eye patch is not a posing pouch!
i just wanna have a wee on my own
what is this? the spanish inquisition?
leave the bloody door alone, u r not a bloody doorman
no they are not mummys nappies!

I'm sorry your biscuit is broken, but I can't mend it. It'll taste just as good.

No, I don't have a willy. No, you can't see where my wee comes from.

Yes, I use a cup when I have my period. No, you can't watch me put it in.

You're seven, you don't have to choose who you're going to marry just yet.

I'm glad you enjoyed learning about how babies are made, but no, you can't watch Mummy and Daddy having sex. It's a private thing for grown-ups.

"No, Princess Leia is friends with the Ewoks - she doesn't want to shoot them with her gun"

"Yes, Jar Jar is very funny, isn't he"

from DD's Star Wars phase

"No darling, because it would be 100 metres tall, and you don't have that much Lego, and it wouldn't fit in your bedroom" - too many different proposed scale models to mention.

"No the cats don't want to go with us to the park/Zoo/Science Museum/cinema/beach. Yes the park/zoo/Science Museum/cinema/beach is lots of fun, but they're happier at home; cats are funny like that."thos

"DON'T OPEN THE DOOR! Those people don't want to see me doing a poo"

When I'm queen, all public toilet doors will have to have an extra bolt at the very top, for mothers to use when they're in there with their toddlers.

We get lots of chicken related ones too. Latest was "actually dd, I don't think chickens need coats"

No, my arm is NOT a seesaw!

please don't aim your trump at me, aim it at your father

yes, i'm sure it WAS funny when you sat on daddy's face and trumped

yes of course you can marry the dog

"Get Ariel out the butter"

"No I don't want to show the bin men my nipples". (DD has recently learnt what nipples are and likes to ask me if I'm going to show random people them)

These are brilliant. The two that stick in my mind are:

"QUICK hold my boob up" (said to DH after my first c-section when I was trying to sit up during an early breastfeed - needed about 5 hands for that job and I thought DD was getting suffocated - DH and I were clueless bless us)

and very angrily - "Don't you ever, ever, EVER throw Goofy at the steering wheel again!" (was lucky to survive that crossroads I tell you)

TSAM, that made me snort with laughter! I remember one of my brothers getting his first sex education lesson, he came home and told me "girls are disgusting, you bleed every month and have to put white sticks up your bum to make it stop".

DS has been very well-behaved today but my mum had to tell my 10yo brother "No I don't have wet dreams ... Well yes, I do get periods or you wouldn't be here ... No, I don't think you'll get a period ... Can you just be quiet now?"

For goodness sake why did you post an entire loaf of bread out the catflap?

Well it's nice to feed the birds but now how am I going to make the packed lunches.

DD enquiring as to what my mooncup was when she couldn't bear to give me 2 mins peace to wee and sort myself out.

"It's for mummies to use".

"Do I put it up my bum? No, well...yes (sigh), yes, I put it up my bum"

Giving her a fuller explanation would have been worse I think.

No, you cannot look at my poo.

DD pleads to have a sneaky peak at the contents of the loo every time I'm using it.

"DD stop bouncing on DS's head"

"no we don't eat caterpillars on toast. Why? Because they don't taste nice"

"Mummy does not have boy bits. Now stop telling your friends that I do"

"DS there are no aliens in the wall, you are not Dr Who, we are not using the tarsus, now just put your bloody clothes on". Said every morning at 8am.

Have to say there was a rumour whilst I was in high school that I was a test tube baby from Sweden . My mum was mightily unimpressed when her colleague tried to broach the issue of my mums fertility problems....

stop praying

Yes you will have boobs when you're a lady. No you can't look at mine to see what they will look like (said by 5yo DD on the train).

I will tell you what a vagina is when we get home. Please keep your voice down, other people don't want to hear you. (said by then 8yo DS walking though the very busy local park...)

'they're out dogging'

said by my granny regularly about my aunt and uncle who do dog agility every week end. I think she honestly has no idea what she's saying and I have to hold back the giggles whenever she says it

"Why have you coloured your willy in green?"
"yes, it does look like a snake"