Dear *

Dear body,
What are you playing at. Noone can possibly need that much sleep and waking up nauseous? Seriously? This is only the first month of trying we've only had sex about 4 times and it's day 12 or 13 - there is no way in hell you can be pregnant already, so stop acting like it. It's silly.
love
The sensible part of my brain.

Dear headache,

You have been here for over a week. Also I feel sick all the time.

Please fuck the fuck off.

Thx,
Toby

----

Dear boobs,

When did you get so bloody enormous?

B cup to C cup during period week is painful but bearable.

B cup to D cup and not going away a week post-period is neither fun nor funny.

People are starting to stare and I only have one bra that fits me.

Please deflate.

Thanks. I'd be ever so grateful.

TobyLeBoobs

Dear You

Last night I had a great time, you made me laugh and I got butterflies.
I meant it when I said I want to see you again, you made me weak at the knees when we kissed. And No you are not the first lady I have kissed, but you are one of the best. I didn't expect us to end the night kissing but no, I don't regret it. Surely the fact I text you today tells you that?

I meant it, it was great to get talking to you last night and I can't wait to see you again

xx

Peachy

Dear dd,I KNOW you are "non-verbal" but screeching at the top of your lungs when I tell you off for hitting your db contravenes the environmental health noise nuisance guidelines and I already had a headache.Also clamping your mouth shut when I try to brush your teeth is not helpful
Love mummy

Dear Fil
the reason I go to bed when early when you are here is because you snore like a trooper making the alls vibrate and I have to be asleep before you come to bed otherwise I don't sleep at all.
Please don't take the piss out of me going to bed early otherwise I may have to shout at you.
Greyksull

(stop it LOL! you amde me laugh, ta X)

Dear Peachy,

You sound a million times stronger than I am. Thank you

Exo

Dear Supreme Being, whichever mould you might fit.

When you sent me a chidl with AS I dealt with it; when you sent me another with more severe Autism I delat with that, and when I was told ds2 had SEN I kept the tears hidden. When Dh developed health isues I kept his head up and sorted it.

But giving my last child autism on top again is a piss take and I will never forgive you.

Cheers for that.

Dear God

I pray every night and still you ignore me.

Please just give me breathing space before pulling the rug from under me. Everytime I think things are on the up there you go again. I can no longer believe that during the hard times you carry me. I carry me I pull myself up time and time again and to be honest i'm jsy sick of it. I 'm losing faith. Sorry but, there it is. Please give me a sign or a break I'm at breaking point

Exo

Dear DD

You are my reason for living. Never forget that. I hope things get easier for you. The world must be a scary place for you not fitting in to what society thinks is the norm. I will do all I can, I'm sorry I know it's not my fault but I still feel guilty. You are perfect in my eyes.

My love to the end of the world and back

Mama xx

Dear Shabba

. You write so beautifully about your boys and I really hope Brian is listening to you and can spare mums (parents) like you further heartbreak by listening in the future. (I know its too late with this storyline - mores the pity)

Helium

Dear Birds

Stop shitting on my car just because I've parked under "your" tree.

If you do have to shit, please aim away from the spot at the very centre of my windscreen; this will obscure my vision and may cause me to have a most horrible accident.

Then you'll be sorry, won't you.

Love

Marlinspike XX

Dear cats,

Whichever one of you sinned in the litter tray about half an hour ago should be ashamed of themselves. Seriously.

.

Dear Eastenders,

I have forgotten the last name of the bloke who is in charge there, but I know his first name is Brian. Well Brian - your storyline about Kat & Alfies baby has reduced me to a sobbing wreck tonight. I wanted to tell you that this has never happened in this country before. It was a very far fetched story line and it has saddened me and many of my 'bereaved mums' MN friends. I know that you will never read this and, if you do, my note to you would not make any difference. I just want you to know that I wish someone had swopped my Gareth and Matthew and then, a little while later, given them back.

You have made my heart hurt tonight...and, yes I know its just a soap and not real.

Shabbs

Dear DH
Please just admit that your back is especially painful today after you jarred it by sneezing in the shower . We know from long experience if you rest it and take medication it will probably improve.
Insisting on coming shopping while you are obviously in pain is just foolish. Seeing you wince your way around the supermarket was painful and annoying for me.
I'm glad I have ordered you to rest you are resting now. Please continue to do so until you are recovered.
IL

PS I'll bring you up a cup of tea in a minute when I've finished Mumsnetting

Dear Hamster,

Thanks for returning. And sorry for putting olive oil on your wheel... I know you kept slipping off all night...

She who feeds you x

Dear dd2,

Well done. It can't have been easy but you have done the right thing and he will see that soon. Am very proud of you.

Mum x

Dear XH,

I don't hate anyone, but you're the closest I've ever come to it.

It's been 7 1/2 years now. One might think that that is quite enough time to calm yourself and take some responsibility for what happened. You and I both know you lied, and I have never told anyone we know what really happened throughout our marriage. I have allowed them to think for all this time that I am the baddie and you're the saint and I am happy to continue to do so. I'm fine with the fact that that lost me a lot of 'friends' (all of whom were my friends first, because you never had any).

But seriously, stop it. Stop the blatant rudeness, bitterness and ridiculous passive-aggression. It doesn't make you look good to anyone, except maybe your simpering behemoth of a fiancée. And quite frankly, anyone who is impressed by your behaviour has to be some kind of moron. The children are starting to notice, and you'll lose them if you carry on. I don't want that. I never say anything bad about you within their earshot. You slag me off all the time around them. Yet they seem to be coming down on my side. Funny that. They're smart. Really smart. Luckily they got my brains and your eyes.

Just be civil. That's all I have ever asked of you.

Regards,
That bitch.

PS That new beard makes you look like your fat head is on upside-down.

-------

Dear K,

I'm glad you're bigger than him.

It means that hopefully he won't use his hands to get what he wants.

Don't marry him. RUN!

Regards,
That bitch.

Dear ds

I know I left you howling at nursery. And I hated it. but I'm quite sure you'll be ok in a bit and have a lovely day today. Please calm down for the lovely nursery girls so that they can reassure me when I ring back!
You did have a great time there last week!

X

Dear DCs

After your 'let's keep Mummy up all night' tag-team efforts, please sleep in till at least 8am.

Mummy xx

Dear DS:

At the swimming party today, I think I died for a second when you jumped into the deep end without your life jacket. Even though you were only on the other side of the pool it seemed to take an eternity to get out of my chair and get to you, and your little head was going down and you were choking and splashing. When I yanked you out of the water and shrieked "you can't do that!" I didn't mean to shout, I was just so worried. You were crying and I hugged your teeny sopping-wet self and I could feel your heart like a jackhammer. You were so scared.

Most of the parents hadn't stayed for the party, and I almost left too. Would you have done the same thing if I hadn't been there, and would anyone have noticed in time? Things like that scare me to no end.

I love you so much.

Your Mama

Dear DM
I know I haven't seen you since July and we are all really looking forward to your visit but if you tell DS off like you did on Skype last week there willl be words.....!
Your Daughter

Dear DS,
I love you more than the world, and I am looking forward to spending lots of time off with you over the next few weeks. You will be sleeping in our room - this does not mean we all need to be up at 6am
Mummy

Dear DH,
You are the best dad and husband ever. You are an amazing SAHD, much better than I could ever be (SAHM!) I love you lots and we will get out sexlife back on track soon ;)
Me

Dear Boss,
I know I am your personal assistant and this is my job. I know you don't have a wife or partner to do things for you(!) but please stop calling me on a Sunday to do random things for you. You can find out for yourself why you can't get in a First Class lounge when you are flying Business Class. You are also able to book a table at a restaurant by yourself. I know you have more money than sense and think that everything can be bought, but I need my weekends!
Also, please don't shout at me later when I tell you about the huge scratch down the side of my car that I did yesterday! And please make your mind up about your brother's birthday party - its really stressing me out!
PA

Dear OP,
I love this thread
LIO

Dear Plp

Yes, quite serious.

Yours ever

Bbh

Dear Bbh,

Are you serious?!?

Yours in anticipation,

PLP

It was guilt making me think it was me as I feel I am making a hash of things with my children. I still can't believe they are mine and still don't know what I am doing. It is all going so fast and I wish I could enjoy them more without worrying what they are going to think of their childhood.