Dear *

Dear DH's ex-boss

If I catch you once again trying to persuade DH that I'm having an affair with one of my closest friends just because he hugs me in church when I'm struggling (or just because he is my friend FFS) I will find a way of making a formal complaint. Because even in your line of business shit stirring in someone elses marriage is unacceptable. Thankfully my DH is stronger in his boots and has more backbone than you so he knows he can trust me. Even if he was very vulnerable with depression when you were pushing your point.

(phew that feels good....)

Dear Boss

Please give me something to do. I've got 3 and a half hours left at work today and nothing to do except MN. Although, of course, you won't catch me telling you that in real life.

Going to have a short nap now because I had less than 4 hours sleep last night.

BR
Quenelle

Dear Insomnia

What did I ever do to you?

Best
Quenelle

Dear Boss

Please can you extend my 12 month contract because I really like it here.

Glad you got the promotion

BBT

Dear Work

I am not that important - no, really, although I am flattered that you apparently think otherwise. There is no reason on the planet why you would need to contact me while I am on holiday. You pride yourself on hiring intelligent people. If said people can't deal with minor issues (or hell, even a full blown crisis) without trying to call/email/smoke signal me, there is clearly something wrong with your hiring practices.

BN

NoWayNoHow, you just said my other one! Word for word. Fucking viral tonsillitis :(

Dear bunny

Please stop being cute and fluffy so i can get on with some sewing instead of cuddling you all day

Sincerely

PurplerabbitofInle

Dear Doctor

Please hurry up with my blood test results, I don't want to have to wait til Tuesday to see if the BFNs when I POAS were right. Also, if ther were right, I would quite like to know what else is causing the lack of periods and water retention!

Sincerely Pissedoffrabbitof Inle

Dear World
I'm so happy my maternity leave starts tomorrow!

Dear Self
Next time PLEASE don't think it such a great idea to work up to 38 weeks :) especially when the following two weeks you have DD home FT and no time for nesting/cleaning/cooking which is what you really want to do

Dear tonsillitis

Why are you such a bastard? What did I ever do to you? The least you could have done is have the decency to be bacterial so I could kick your rotten arse to kingdom come with antibiotics.

So sod off already

NWNH

Dear DS

6am is NOT an acceptable time to wake in the morning. Equally, it is even less acceptable to throw a tantrum at 6am when I tell you it's not time to wake up. Let's face it, our day can't start with that and get any better from there, can it...

Mum

Dear OTheHugeManatee,

What you said. All of it.

Thanks,

Toby

Dear people who park on my road,

Could you kindly all fuck off please so I can park my car within a mile of my house every now and again?

Thanks so much,
Tired pregnant woman with toddler

P.S. Fuck off.

Dear Boss

Your clothes STINK of fags and cheap perfume. It makes morning sickness very difficult to deal with when you waft in and out of the office smelling like that. Oh! And do you think you could masticate more quietly? I don't want to talk to you when your gob is full, or while you are slurping yoghurt, or when you are sucking on a grape.

Finally, FFS, PLEASE sort that disgusting hacking cough you have got because you coughing up your guts every five minutes makes me HEAVE.

Thanks
TFF.

P.s Your breath stinks.

Dear Headache,

It's been three days, and tbh I'm sick of you. Fuck the very fuck off.

Regards, Tyzer2001

Dear Chocolate,

Where did you go? One minute you were there, then you were gone. Was it something I said?
Love, Tyzer2001

Dear colleague

If you don't know how to use Excel spreadsheets properly, just say so instead of just typing randomly over formulas that took ages to construct and actually give us the informstion we need. Also, you keeping a version of the master copy open on your desk top all day means that, when you save your daily workings to it at the ends of the day, you're not saving them to the latest version of the spreadsheet. You're saving them to the version you opened this morning. When you do an 'end of day' save on the version you've had open all day, it replaces the real master version and wipes out all the work we've done.
So stop it, OK?

Dear Everyone

My office door is closed because I'm eating my lunch. Respect that.

Love

C

Dear DC'S,
Why do you ignore me when i'm busy doing housework and do nothing but harrass me when i sit down to have a coffee? I can't keep tidying up JUST to get some peace and quiet. Is it the fear of getting roped in to help that sends you scuttling off to play nicely, not fight and stop whingeing???

Dear IT department

Do I look like a technical wizard? I don't care why you can't do something, yes it does have to look that way, no I can't understand the reasons why and more to the point I don't give a damn.

Make it happen

Regards

Marketing Department

Dear DS

Why can you go down for a nap no bother but at bed time put up a massive fight? Especially when you are clearly tired! And why start this behaviour after brilliant bed times only 10 days before dc2 arrives?