Dear *

Dear Zit

You are enormous and have situated yourself in a very awkward position. Why must you appear across the entirety of my eyebrow the day before I am due to go out on a night out for the first time in ages ?. You have made me look ridiculous and you are extremely painful. Kindly fuck off

Thanks

TSM

Dear Chocolate Nesquik

Please redesign your packaging to be more appropriate for a 31-year-old-without-children so that said 31-year-old doesn't feel like an idiot buying it at the supermarket.

With fondest regards,

Imps

Dear Bad Tooth
You have made my life a misery for years. It is like you know how scared I am of the dentist.
You have 3.5 days left. Consider this your eviction notice.
G

Dear Dentist
Appologies in advance, but I will be high as fuck when I see you on Monday. I know you are a nice man who will take the pain away. I know that. Fear isn't logical Without a handful of Valium, there is no way I can cross the thresshold into your office.
G

Dear Sister
Thank you for making my appointment for me. Thank you for agreeing to drive me, and hold my hand. I really couldn't do this without you.
Sometimes you drive me batty. Then time like this show me why I love you so much.
G

Dear Mum

You're a selfish, stubborn stupid cow who has cut her nose off to spite her face and now have a very distant realtionship with your daughter and grandchildren rather than doing the right thing.

Fuck off you bore the shit out of me.

Linda

Dear DH

I know that you and the DC are already on the way home from MiL's, but could you consider a long trip to the zoo before you get here? Meal out? Maybe a trip to a nightclub until 3am?

Just some way of extending my two days of blissful peace and the comfort of having a place for everything and everything it its place.

Love

Waltons

Dear R,
I am so sorry. I see it now.
Please call me, or answer your phone.
Love you always
x

Dear Ds ,

sorry i shouted mommy just in pain, I love you though x

Dear dinner,

Please cook yourself,

Love,

Alistron.

Dear car,

Please stop falling apart, it would be nice to have a week where one of the tyres didn't need replacing,

Love

Alistron.

Dear DD,

Please draw breath.

Dear DS,

You can be off my knee, or on my knee, but please stop the constant climbing and descending. Your elbows are quite sharp and my bosoms can't handle it.

Dear attractive, smiling, floppy-haired young man who just served me in shop,

You made me feel 19 again.

Dear DH,

You are going to get lucky tonight (see above)

Dear 5 o'clock,

Please stop making me want to drink beer.

Ta.

MrsK

Dear bloke at work,

All you have to do is tick the fucking chart when you have fed the fucking fish, no big deal......

Thank you

hoops

Dear small bit of trapped wind in my lower bowel,

Please move a long now, I don't mind if you cause a stink but you're really getting on my wick.

Many thanks in advance for your co-operation in this matter.

Headfairy

Dear Readers of this thread,

I apologise for writing such terribly boring drivel about farts and parking when you're all writing such touchingly poignant things about your children and loved ones.

Headfairy x

Dear Children,

Could you please get a move on with the growing up and leaving home, so that the house is tidier, I don't have to spend my entire life in a deathly dull cycle of Sainsburys/cooking/clearing up, and I have much more money to spend on myself.

Thank you.

Dear ds

please answer your mobile

Love mum

Dear audience

Please be kind to me.
I'm very nervous.
I've done as many rehearsals as I can.
Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeease clap loudly.

Best wishes
Littlefish x

Dear jackstarb,

Thanks for reminding me that I should be making tea,

munky

Dear mum,

I love you lots and I'm very glad I have you in my life. But I don't know how many different ways of saying "Grandma will carry on treating you badly until you stop letting her" I can come up with any more. Either call her on her bad behaviour or ignore it.

Dear ex,

Yes it's great that you've finally managed to spend a few months sober for the first time in decades. Welcome back to the real world. No, that does not mean I am going to instantly forget everything that's happened in the past or that I am now convinced that you'll now be sober forever more. I don't trust you and for very good reasons. Live with it. Oh, and stop trying to use our DCs as your mouthpiece. Ta.

Dear DCs,

You're bloody fantastic you are. I am so incredibly proud of both of you. Hopefully you already know this. Love you lots!

Dear All on this thread,

Some of you have made me laugh, some of you have made me cry. All of you have stopped me cooking tea - but thank you.

JSB

Dear Mumsnet HQ,

This thread so deserves to be a classic.

Pretty please,

JSB

Dear DS

Please eat. You are losing weight and I am worried. I know its a sensory issue and you cant tell me about it, but smoothies and babybels is not going to give you enought to help you grow.

Worried Mummy

Dear cats,

Please don't be utter bastards awkward in the morning when I have to get the two of you into separate cat carriers by myself. In fact, if you could just jump nicely in while I'm brushing my teeth or something, so much the better.

Thanks,

She-who-pays-the-vets-bills

Dear old employer
PLEASE, PLEASE employ me again in the autumn. I really need to know I am more than just a washer/child taxi service/food provider. I miss the children and I miss being part of the staff.
Best Wishes
JacksSnoryStory

Dear Cats
Please stop killing baby rabbits and leaving bits of them in my kitchen.
love
JacksSnoryStory

Dear Publishers/Literary agents
Please like the manuscript I am going to send you in the next few weeks. I'm really pleased with it but nervous as hell about sending it to you.
Kind regards
JacksSnoryStory

Dear C
If you see a heavily pregnant lady at Peter Kay tonight don't sit beside her cos she is off Mumsnet and due to go into labour very soon.
YS Jbck

Dear dinner

Could you make yourself so I can read all of this thread, plus DD2 might stop annoying me to make you & kill 2 birds with one stone.

YS Jbck